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When elderly people become 80 plus yrs old. Who gives these elderlies the free ticket to be hatefule towards others? Is there a rule somewhere that states once you reach 80 yrs old you can unleash your anger/hatefulness towards the people that feeds you? I'm talking about Dementia!
I hear people throwing the cause of hatefulness on the word Dementia. It's the dementia! It's a Sickness or illness people say. I beg to differ that reason of cause. Some people are just down right plan hateful! Can't use the word Dementia for every person's case. But, seems all do. Dementia is Memory loss as forgetting things and or tasks they say. I beg to differ. Does Dementia only effect one side of the brain or what? The reason I ask is, it seems elderly people forget how to be nice. And never forget how to be hateful. So, I take it that Dementia must only effect one side of the brain,
"The how to be kind side of the brain".
Some say this about most elderly people,
Oh,how sweat and kind she is or he is.Ya right! until you get to know their darkside.

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Nana made it to 96 and never complained. Dencie made 99 and only complained when they put in a pacemaker. Not all old people are bitter. Some let go of anger, some embrace it. Every one is unique.
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Lets not put ALL elders in the same boat! I looked after a very nice old lady in france she fought in the resistence was 93 when i left and was a lovely wise old lady.
My brothers neighbour is 87 fought in the burmese war nursed his wife until she died and is the nicest old fella you could meet.

The worst old person i ever met is my own mother? Never happy always bitter.and cynical. Not all old people age badly of course dementia is different but i have never met a bad old person. I think if they have had regrets in thier life they get nasty later on as its too late to change now.

I just hope i live to have no regrets and die a happy wise old woman!!!!!!! GULP!
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It is a good question, Jessie. I think if a person has been narcissistic, they are likely to continue to act that way once they get dementia, though not inevitably, as there have been a few on here who said their parent is now easier to deal with. When a person acts nicely towards some people and nastily towards others, I have to believe that they have some control and can be "called" on their behaviour.
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With the understanding kept in mind about many types of Dementia.
The most common issues with Dementia is forgetting or Memory loss.
Talking about that type of Dementia,
The wonder is how elderly people with Dementia seem to never forget how to hate.Dementia attacks the brain causing memory loss.Is why I wonder if Kindness & Hatefulness is on different sides of the brain?If that thinking wonder is thinking wrong?That would make the 8th wonder of the world.

I hear so many caregivers on this forum explaining,venting how their clients is abusing their caregivers when all they do is try to help.
You hear about children getting along with their parents all their life until the children becomes their parents caregivers.When children/family members become their loveone's caregiver it seems relationships go sour.
Same example,I liked my 88 yr old Aunt until I became her caregiver.Becoming a caregiver requires you to become closer to your loveone.At the same time your learning your loveone's darkside you never seen before.After that you regret ever learning thier darkside.Or regret ever becoming their caregiver.I never was a hateful person until my 88 yr old Aunt teached me how to hate.I never known what hate really was until I became my Aunt's caregiver.Hate causes another to hate.Hate is like a virus if you get too close.One of a Caregiver's requirements is to become close to learn about their clients.Becoming involved with caregiving for my 88 yr old Aunt.My feelings for her isn't the same as it was before I became involved with her.If I knew then what I learned now?I would of never became involved with this Aunt.Sad or harsh as this may sound but,it's the truth.I feel sorry for people having to take care of their parents.Avoid learning their darkside!That side we can all do without knowing about!I became a caregiver for my Aunt because,I cared.Do I care now?I careless.Why would anyone try to help someone who doesn't appreciate what you do for them?
Dementia is a very bad thing to have.Causes relationships to go sour and hatefulness.Don't attempt to become a caregiver for a parent if you enjoy your relationship prior.
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Some great responses....good thing I know you all don't mean this 80 year old crone...ha...oliveoyl
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The personality changes in someone with dementia. Like ba8alou said, the mental filter is lost between what they think and what comes out of their mouths. At certain stages of dementia a person is very capable of putting on a show, being nice and sweet to people in a social setting. Having a delightful personality! But that doesn't last, does it? We know it doesn't. As caregivers we see what's beneath the surface because we're with the person so much, they're used to us and don't feel the need to keep up what is probably a very difficult task of being sweet and nice and lovely when we're around.

And maybe once someone reaches a certain age and they know they're beginning to forget things, they realize that they're needing more help they get angry at life. My dad used to say, "Old age ain't for sissies" and he's right. Many elderly people have a daily sense of a loss of control over their life. They're scared. They resent needing extra help which results in resenting the person who is helping them. They're afraid of losing their home, of having to move to an assisted living or, God forbid, a nursing home. They feel themselves deteriorate a little more everyday and it must be very difficult for them.

If someone has dementia and is mean and nasty you really do have to blame the dementia. If someone doesn't have dementia and is mean and nasty maybe they were like that their whole life. How many times have we seen on this site posts about a parent having been a mean and spiteful person their whole life?

I think it must be very, very difficult to be elderly. To lose part of my eyesight, or my hearing, or my mind. To not feel well everyday. To have to wait around for someone to bring me some groceries or to worry if I'm going to outlast my money. To have to turn over simple tasks to someone else and depend upon that person to tend to me or shower me. The thought of all of this terrifies me. I can understand why some elderly people become mean. However! That doesn't mean I like it and just because I understand it doesn't mean that it's ok to be treated poorly by someone who's elderly.

We've all seen commercials or ads for home health aides such as grab bars or bathroom renovations, home health agencies and products such as adult diapers and they usually feature a little old lady with white hair and twinkling blue eyes who looks like she just finished up baking homemade chocolate chip cookies. We know that's not an accurate representation of most elderly people but unless one has been or is a caregiver one doesn't know that's not how it is in real life. I don't know about anyone else here but I was shocked at how caregiving affected me and what it all entailed but by the time I realized it it was too late, I was already in it.

I don't give a pass to everyone over 80 just because they have dementia but it absolutely has to be taken into consideration.
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A question I've always had is if it is the disease, why can people with dementia be so nice to others and so mean to caregivers. It seems that if filters are lost, they should be lost across the board. But often it is only the person closest that catches all the bad stuff.
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I think it's a mistake to label those of us doing caregivers as "good" and the elders as "hateful." While I understand it's too easy to excuse their behavior, it still doesn't make the rest of us "good."
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My narcissistic mother has been mean, manipulative and spiteful her whole life. Though she lived around the corner and didn't work she never lifted a finger to help her parents when they were old and sick - too busy having a good time - yet she expects everyone to run "Oh hail the queen" the minute she snaps her fingers. She'd put on a show for outsiders but she treated me and my father like dirt. She's in a NH now and I've changed my phone number so she can't get at me on a daily basis as her raging, fight picking phone calls were making me ill. I visit periodically and ensure she has all she needs but that's as far as I'll go now. After a lifetime of h*ll I'm taking my life back.
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most animals eat, crap , and squawk , and about the only emotions they exhibit are jealousy and hostility , maybe fear. i think humans only differ in that we have a much more complex brain and thought process. if something were to diminish the complexity of that human brain we wouldnt have far to go to be on a level with the lesser species. civility would be the first thing out the window.
i do think that dementia shows the ugly side of the same person you always knew tho. thats what makes it so hard to determine where selfish , hateful old man / woman ends and mentally ill person deserving of compassion begins.
so with that last sentence i hope every caregiver reading this forgives themselves if they went into this job a little short on patience or being reluctant to give all that they felt they could have been giving.
caregiver get judgement and worthless advice when they themselves need compassion and encouragement.
lol. the care recievers get what amounts to recreational drugs and the caregivers get pressure from family and authorities.
life aint fair sometimes..
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Dementia isn't just forgetfulness. Dementia also sometimes is losing the filter that keeps most people tactful, polite and "nice". But yes, some people are just NOT nice, they are toxic to be around. I'm sorry that you have to be around someone like that.
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