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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Just a vent mostly. Dad back in hospital for another UTI and I had to close the room curtain because he has no filter commenting loudly on how everyone looks. How do I keep my sanity. 😓😥🤦🏻♀️🙏🏻
I’m sorry for your stress. I hope you’ll use dad’s hospitalization to meet with the doctors, social worker, and anyone else who will listen to strongly state dad is unsafe in his hoarded home without anyone to provide needed care and will be an unsafe discharge. Consider if it’s healthy for you to continue the current level of involvement, guard your wellbeing, for no one else will do it for you. I wish you rest and peace
Vent away anytime, and I'm sure the nurses are use to elders with no filter.
You only one person , can't keep doing this and not hit bottom, so when your dad's feeling better, you need to make a plan to get help or think about placing your parents. This is not sustainable, for your mental and physical health.
So come back , and see if we can help you figure out a plan. 💞
For now, go downstairs and get a coffee, for a time-out. Perhaps a doughnut 🍩 to go with it too. Every hospital has a cafe. When you are able to, come back here and we can make suggestions to make things easier.
Tina, KEEP that memory of sitting on that chair nearby, not right at the bedside. Your SAFE seat 🪑⛑️
You were close enough to be useful. To hear, to step in if really needed. But safe enough to relax (or at least breathe better).
To put another way, you were not ON the bus driven by a crazy driver at that moment. You were positioned at the roadside. If the bus broke down, crashed, caught fire, you were at a safe distance - free to seek help from others. Not consumed by the crush or flames.
Can you find more Safe Seats for other scenarios too?
I found it took practice, but getting OFF the crazy bus was the best thing I ever did.
I found myself back ON the crazy bus yesterday.. 🤪
But.. it was ME that decided to jump on, for a strict time-limited event, WITH boundaries. I had a clear plan to pull that cord & jump off. I even had a backup person to assist removing me if need be.
Guilt if I don't step in VS self-preservation. Sometimes it is worth the risk. Sometimes it works well, other times I am left kicking myself saying Oh Why Oh Why 🙄
But none of us are perfect!! We live & learn, right?
Tina, have you ever told him to stop with the vile comments? Have you tried telling him that you will walk away and not look back if he doesn't stop?
You would be amazed at how well my dad took being called out for being a vile, loud mouth. It was hard the 1st couple of times to take the roll of authority but, the results made it easier. He would pout and not talk, mission accomplished. Maybe your dad would shut up too?
No matter what else or who else is involved, you do NOT have to accept being subjected to abusive behavior, you can call it out, walk away and not respond.
Prayers that the hospital keeps him and this creates a path for him and your mom to get the added care they need.
Yes, I have told him many, many, many times about his comments but it goes in one ear and out the other. After I closed ER sliding door and curtain I told him if he can’t see anyone, he can’t make rude comments. But then, as we walked out into the hospital waiting room on the way to the car I nicely asked him to please stay quiet until we get to the car. Then, walking into the crowded waiting room full of sad looking sick people, he says loudly “are we having fun yet, is this a party?” I was mortified and told him to stop in front of everyone. Yes, they released him after giving him a powerful liquid antibiotic. He is an agitator and tris to act like a badass, but when he’s with my husband or anyone other than me, he’s well behaved. My therapist whom I don’t see anymore said that I am his safe space and he feels comfortable to be that way with me. Makes no sense. But it’s causing me to yell at him and be upset with him. I didn’t want this. I just wanted to be his daughter. Thank you for your kind advice!! Hope all is well with you and yours! ❣️🙏🏻
When something is no longer sustainable your mind and your body let you know that. You are being told in no uncertain terms that this cannot be sustained. You will throw yourself upon the slow burning funeral pyre here for no good reason and no one will thank you for that. Please see a good cognitive therapist or a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling service to help you take care of things you know cannot go on as they are.
My new mantra for dealing with difficult people is:
They won't change. I can.
You know your father well. He sounds impossible to manage. Time to re-strategize how you, yourself will deal with this. Your sister wants nothing to do with the situation. If you're on speaking terms with her, ask about her experiences and decision to walk away. Your father is an abuser. I hope you find a good therapist to help you out. There are a lot of good people on this site with lots of experience that comes with age. Keep us updated with how you're doing.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You only one person , can't keep doing this and not hit bottom, so when your dad's feeling better, you need to make a plan to get help or think about placing your parents. This is not sustainable, for your mental and physical health.
So come back , and see if we can help you figure out a plan. 💞
Where are the other 5 people who are supposed to be helping you?
Of course on return it was more "How much longer will it be?" (on repeat) but my refreshed self could handle it better.
You were close enough to be useful. To hear, to step in if really needed. But safe enough to relax (or at least breathe better).
To put another way, you were not ON the bus driven by a crazy driver at that moment. You were positioned at the roadside. If the bus broke down, crashed, caught fire, you were at a safe distance - free to seek help from others. Not consumed by the crush or flames.
Can you find more Safe Seats for other scenarios too?
I found it took practice, but getting OFF the crazy bus was the best thing I ever did.
But.. it was ME that decided to jump on, for a strict time-limited event, WITH boundaries. I had a clear plan to pull that cord & jump off. I even had a backup person to assist removing me if need be.
Guilt if I don't step in VS self-preservation. Sometimes it is worth the risk. Sometimes it works well, other times I am left kicking myself saying Oh Why Oh Why 🙄
But none of us are perfect!! We live & learn, right?
You would be amazed at how well my dad took being called out for being a vile, loud mouth. It was hard the 1st couple of times to take the roll of authority but, the results made it easier. He would pout and not talk, mission accomplished. Maybe your dad would shut up too?
No matter what else or who else is involved, you do NOT have to accept being subjected to abusive behavior, you can call it out, walk away and not respond.
Prayers that the hospital keeps him and this creates a path for him and your mom to get the added care they need.
Yes, I have told him many, many, many times about his comments but it goes in one ear and out the other. After I closed ER sliding door and curtain I told him if he can’t see anyone, he can’t make rude comments. But then, as we walked out into the hospital waiting room on the way to the car I nicely asked him to please stay quiet until we get to the car. Then, walking into the crowded waiting room full of sad looking sick people, he says loudly “are we having fun yet, is this a party?” I was mortified and told him to stop in front of everyone. Yes, they released him after giving him a powerful liquid antibiotic. He is an agitator and tris to act like a badass, but when he’s with my husband or anyone other than me, he’s well behaved. My therapist whom I don’t see anymore said that I am his safe space and he feels comfortable to be that way with me. Makes no sense. But it’s causing me to yell at him and be upset with him. I didn’t want this. I just wanted to be his daughter. Thank you for your kind advice!! Hope all is well with you and yours! ❣️🙏🏻
You are being told in no uncertain terms that this cannot be sustained.
You will throw yourself upon the slow burning funeral pyre here for no good reason and no one will thank you for that.
Please see a good cognitive therapist or a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling service to help you take care of things you know cannot go on as they are.
They won't change.
I can.
You know your father well. He sounds impossible to manage. Time to re-strategize how you, yourself will deal with this. Your sister wants nothing to do with the situation. If you're on speaking terms with her, ask about her experiences and decision to walk away. Your father is an abuser. I hope you find a good therapist to help you out.
There are a lot of good people on this site with lots of experience that comes with age. Keep us updated with how you're doing.