Obsessing about the patient's next emergency and death.

I can relate . It is the worst….waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I think it’s very common . Sorry for all of us in this situation .

I don't know how to STOP thoughts popping in 😕 so I try not to DWELL on them.

Yes, that worry again.
Hello worry: Today? Not today? Time will tell. Goodbye for now worry. See you tommorrow.

Cloud hanging over you head...
Yes I get that. I think what helped me was being as prepared as I could be. Plan what I could - let the rest go. Let Mother Nature (Fate or Faith) decide the rest.

Whenever & whatever happens, you will handle it.

When my mom began to fail I sat by her bed all day for days. She was still coherent but physically could not get out of bed. I kept watching to make sure she was breathing. She looked at me and said “why do you keep staring at me”. I had to laugh. We both laughed. She died three days later.

Try not to fret. Enjoy the moments you have. After they are gone you often wish for a few of those moments back.

I believe I was never so surprised as when I got the call after 1 AM that my mother had passed. She had defied so many odds. Of course I knew the end was coming but I had been told earlier of the previous day that she had a week to 10 days left. Her vitals were changing considerably and her bedsores were worsening and multiplying.

There are still times I silently ask myself if she is really gone. She was 92. As sick as she was becoming I can't imagine her lasting longer. I understand how you feel and I hope you will be at peace when the time comes.

Sometimes I think that caregivers should be the ones to lose their memories. It must be nice to be live in the moment and not have to stress about what happens next.

Yes. Normal. You are preparing yourself for what you know is inevitable, or trying to. No matter this, it comes as a surprise and shock.

I can tell you that at 81 I find MYSELF and my partner with a more "constant" knowledge that one of us will exit on the other, or become ill. There is more thought to holding on to the banister going down the stairs and such like. I think this is all a normal part of the aging process and seeing the aging of those we love.

Still remember the first time my now 61 year old daughter said "So, do you two have PLANS". Meaning thought about when we would move toward a more supportive environment.

So it's normal to think about this, and to do the checking. The same thing is done, after all, when you think about it, with a newborn. It is recognized that the infant can be taken with SIDS in a moment. Checking on things is what careful humans do it.

This is not "obsessing"
This is being a caregiver.
This is being a daughter of a parent that is failing.
First I have to ask
Do you have help?
You need some time for yourself.
Check with the Senior Services in your area to see if mom qualifies for any services that might help with a caregiver.
(If mom is a Veteran or was married to a Veteran the VA might be of help it would be worth it to check that out. Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission to see if there is any help there)
If mom qualifies for Hospice (don't get fixated on "6 months or less" as long as there is a continued decline a person can remain on Hospice) there may be a lot of help there. A Nurse comes 1 time a week, more often if needed. A CNA comes 2 to 3 times a week to help with bath and ordering supplies. And all the supplies, medications are delivered to your house. I could not have cared for my Husband at home the way I was able to if it were not for Hospice.
And with Hospice you can request a Volunteer that will come and sit with mom while you get out and get some "me time".

This does not sound like a problem; rather a realistic apprehension of the inevitable. Of course “something” will happen, sooner or later! What, exactly, do you think you can do to prevent or delay it? I, also, have a very aged parent, and I only hope this parent goes before the money does. This is going to be seen over and over again as our population ages…while “heroic measures” keep people living (if you can call it that) well over age 100.

After Chuck had his triple heart bypass surgery, I'd check on him repeatedly to see if he was breathing. Same thing after his liver transplant. After 3 major health incidents in 3 years, I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop or to find him dead in bed. It was very stressful, to say the least.

With my mother and her constant health issues, especially in the last year of her life (she was 95 when she died), every time the phone rang my heart skipped a beat. She lived in Memory Care Assisted Living and they'd call every time there was an issue. Sometimes I'd get 3 calls in a day. This was the woman who'd fallen 95x, I kid you not. So even though I didn't have to check her every morning to see that she was breathing, I still lived with constant dread and fear over The Next Call I'd Get that would be a crisis. I had hospice on board a little over 2 months before she passed.

Fortunately, mom did give us plenty of warning she was transitioning. Hospice called me one day and said she "had a status change." Mom had taken to her bed, gone into a semi comatose state, and passed 1 week later. So I was able to spend a (stressful) last week with her.

This is the hardest thing in the world to endure. I went thru it with dad, too. Sending you a hug of empathy and compassion, hoping you can muster the strength to endure what lies ahead for your mom. Without it ruining your life in the process.