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Sorry if this sounds like a laundry list of complaints but I am at my wits end. My 102 year old grandmother has lived with us in a home we jointly own with my husband and mother (4 owners) for 9 years. My mother moved out last fall and is not capable or willing to care for her mother. Grandma has her mental faculties but is constantly stressed and anxious about everything under the sun, and mostly about her money and how much things cost and her "bills". I have two very active and loud little boys ages 8 and 9, both my husband and I work with significant commutes, and have a hard time keeping up this big house even with help. We must do her personal shopping every week, arrange for and take her to appointments, all while trying to reassure her when she obsesses over the smallest of things- including how everyone is overcharging her for everything. She obsesses over receipts and adds each item with the exact cents, but insists that she pay for every cent of her personal expenses. She then will tell everyone how much she pays for things or if she gave money to someone for something (with the innuendo that she is being taken advantage of of course...) She is a bit manipulative in that she tries to use her money to influence people (I want to give you xyz..) and then if you accept she turns it around as if you are victimizing or preying on her. She doesn't trust anyone except her in home helper, who she confides everything in and now has helping her with her money (inappropriate?). She pays toward the upkeep and expenses of the house, and thinks we are making money off of her or would collapse financially if she didn't. She has had several serious illnesses over the last 5 years, including a broken hip, C-diff, Pneumonia, severe bronchitis... and each bout takes a toll on us as well. She has a helper come in a few days a week, can get to the bathroom and kitchen herself with a walker. My mother has financial POA and I have the Healthcare POA. She refuses to go to live with her sister (who wants her to) or an assisted living or nursing home-- and believes since she is part owner she has a right to stay (and she does...) But... My question is this-- I have my own health issues and am worn out... am I obligated to stay in and run/pay for this home so that she can live here? If I leave/move out, could I be charged with abandonment? Am I a hostage at this point? If I left and my husband stayed, he could not support us and this house together-- no way. Thank you

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I'm with church mouse on this. Seems like a not age related situation, more like a "we're not good roommates for each other" scene. Go back through all the legalities of the portion of the home you each own, and figure out what's best for everyone. Sounds like she is meticulous with finances. Maybe she can buy out your portion and let you and your family seek a house better for your needs.
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I thought about the other things you said about your grandmother talking about her contributions. My mother does this. To listen to her you would think that she is paying everything and I am a mooch. The truth is that we each pay about half the living expenses each month. The house is paid for already, so she really doesn't have much to pay each month -- power, gas, her TV and phone, and water. I pay for my phone, computer, and all the car things. We both pay for food. I really believe that she believes she is supporting me in providing two rooms for me. I believe this is an ego-saving measure for her. If she didn't do it, she would have to acknowledge how much was being sacrificed for her. It is easier to see herself as the giver. It does grate on my nerves at times. I have corrected her thinking a couple of times, but the information didn't take root. So I remain her dependent daughter who she is helping so much. Does it hurt? Yes, kind of. I do have my pride. It's just one of those things I've learned to put up with.
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Mm. If your grandmother was 93, even, you might well leap enthusiastically into buying a house with her thinking 'hey, well, how long can it be..?'

And it would serve you right.

May your grandmother live forever. Just not with you. Find out where you stand, I should.
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My only thought is that you're grandmother is 102. I wouldn't make any rash changes on that one thing alone. I would instead take some respite time away from her.
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All things considered you the easiest things to do is hold out for your grandmother to pass. She is already 102. No one live much longer than that. With her out of the picture things will be different. Moving out now might only be a temporary illusion of "victory." Pull up those original documents and seek the advice of an attorney.
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The four of you own the house jointly. Well, it all depends: on what terms did you establish the ownership?

Cast your mind back the nine years and drag out any deeds of trust or similar documents for re-reading. I have zero idea of how this area of property law operates in the US; but presumably there must have been written down somewhere an agreed mechanism for dissolving the 'tenancy in common' or whatever it was called - i.e. the contract, essentially, that all four owners agreed to when you shared the acquisition of the house.

For illustration only: my mother, my (now ex) SO and I all bought a house together in 2009. We owned it as tenants-in-common, with an equity ratio of 45:30:25% - i.e. we had different-sized shares in the property. This is different from joint ownership, where the shares would be exactly equal - 25% apiece, in your family's case. Governing the purchase of the house was a Declaration of Trust, a legally binding document which set out who owned what, who was responsible for what, and what would happen in the event that: one of us died; one of us wanted to sell and the others didn't; we all wanted to sell; we all died (in a catastrophic house fire, presumably?); and any other significant hypothetical circumstance we could think of. So when exSO threw in the towel and said he wanted out, mother and I had the option of buying his share or agreeing to sell, and we agreed to sell - we just didn't realise how long it would take.

Anyway. The reason you need clarity on this is that you need to know whether or not you can force a sale. You certainly can't force her to move out and carry on living there yourself, but you might be able to sell the house from under her - for example, if she can't afford to buy your husband's, your and your mother's shares. You can't, either, be obliged to contribute to her care either financially or practically; but I assume you're not willing to walk away and leave her to collapse in a heap?

The obsessional mistrust and anxiety about money are an affliction for your grandmother too, you know. Not that I don't sympathise, because it must make her h*ll to live with; but she's the one who's having these scary feelings. Would I be right guessing she's not ready to address those?

Anyway. Me, I'd look into how you can get the house sold and the proceeds cleanly divided first. If that's a non-starter, come back for more ideas.
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Technically you're not stuck there. You're free to go if you want but co-owning the house with 3 other people causes some problems. In order to sell the house your grandma, your mom and your husband would all have to sign off on it. I think you can count on your husband to sign, what about your mom? If 3 of you decide the sell the 4th person would be the odd man out (grandma) and might be compelled to sell without having to go to court to settle this which is probably the last thing you want.

What are your grandma's feelings on moving to assisted living?

It sounds like an uphill battle but I think it can be done.
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Sometimes it has to hit the fan before anyone will acknowledge that they are living in an untenable situation. Your mother has already bailed out, no wonder as she must be elderly herself. I'm sure nobody envisioned Granny living so long when you entered into this arrangement. If you sit down with her can you have a reasonable conversation about this? Would she be willing to make some compromises that will allow you to continue a little longer when presented with the alternative? Try not to make it into an ultimatum, and go into this with some specific things in mind, not some vague notion that " something has to change".
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I would consult with an attorney in your jurisdiction regarding your rights and obligations to your grandmother, though, most places don't require that. However, since you have been acting as one, if you do something different, then I would give her plenty of time to make other arrangements.

You say you own the house with your husband, your mother and your grandmother. With four owners, all four would need to sign off a sale of the house. If they all don't agree, you'd need court intervention. I'd call consult with a Real Estate and Divorce Lawyer about that, since your husband and you own it and you could be separating. It's complex. It might be simpler to hang in there. You grandmother has many health issues and is over 100 years old. I would try to make things work so as to not disrupt her at this time, unless there is some pressing matter like she needs constant care.
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No you are not a hostage. If you want out go. Notify all concerned that you are doing so. Put the house on the market. Are you wanting a divorce? Who's home is this? Your family? Hubby's family? When these multi-generational living arrangements begin careful consideration needs to be mad about what woyld happen in the worst possible case. Yours does not sound like the worst, but you have definitely had enough!
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