Must I bring my elderly parent to live with me because it's my "obligation"?

My mother made certain that she was not a 'burden' as she called it in her children's life. She stated for many years that she would never live with her children. I was young those years and told there was no way she would go to a nursing home and that she would have to just deal living with me. Unfortunately she got into a horrible car accident and although not physically hurt it was determined she had dementia to which I was in complete denial about apparently. Total painful shock. What I didn't know was that she put all of her affair's in order. After the accident she was immediately assessed and admitted to a home by my brother. I took this hard and took her out and back to her home every morning and brought her back at night. I washed her, did her hair, dressed her, made her meals, took her shopping and on overnight trips. Stayed with her overnight in her home until she tried to escape. Eventually, the nursing home staff said if I didn't let her stay there more often she would not adjust and neither would I. I left her for two weeks. It tore out my heart...but I also realized that I could not have done it 24-7 and I knew why she said that years ago. Mum always said parents are on a pathway to being grandparents, then seniors, then incapable of fully functioning seniors, then a stress on marriages, parenting and children. My mother wanted no part in that. My husband didn't understand my need to care for her and the heartache and depression that took me for a time. He left me. Now I live alone and I am trying to rebuild my life. Recently, my father has decided to leave his abusive wife. He stated he will be moving in with me. UGH..its now Christmas Eve, the first without my husband. I am barely able to stand up in the morning and already I have a roommate. I came online looking for advice and although some may say...shame on you people...its family you owe it. I say, everyone else got to live...why cant I? I love living alone and having my routine finally. I JUST woke up from all of this heartache and I have to put back on my nurses uniform and simply wait to die myself. My father will have to get an apartment and his own space and the heartache will come to me later rather than sooner as I see it. Its coming alright. To be sure...I'll just let it hit me later....No thanks.

OMG! I read some of the comments to my husband about narcissistic, emotionally absent parents and he asked if I had written them! LOL Lots of us out there struggling between taking care of our elderly parents because we feel guilty and just wanting to walk away. My sister did walk away when my dad died (not that she did much anyway). My mom is in assisted living about 20 minutes away. I spent time with her today and now I have a splitting headache. I cannot imagine her living with me - even though that's what she would want. I want to echo what others have said: Just because our parents are not living with us does not mean we aren't caring for them. Most of us make the doctor appointments (I just hired a home health care team in addition to the AL that come to her - Medicare pays for it - she's pissed because it lets me off the leash a little more, but I'm still taking care of her). Are we obligated to take care of our parents? No. Most of us are doing it because no one else is going to and we are good people, so we do it. Take advantage of what's out there to help you. If one of your parents were in the military, there are funds to help pay housing costs at AL or NH - maybe even for you, but I don't know about how that works. There are organizations that provide palliative care (which is what I have found within the last couple of weeks - it's been over 2 years of my doing it all). I can't do it all. I'm exhausted. I'm resentful. I don't feel healthy or happy. Taking the steps to take care of them without our having to be the ones to do it all is what I'm counting on to make me start to feel better. Hope you take the same opportunity.

Linda 22. Thank you for your kind words. I might have been heading down the path of your Mother. I am pleased that you found somewhere for her to be safe and well taken care of. A newly widowed parent has to get beyond the grief somewhat to be able to think clearly. I believe that one's first inclination when a life partner dies, or in your case, has to go into a SNF, is to recapture that feeling of being loved and cared for. That is likely the trap that some parents fall into after the death of a spouse. As I have heard in the past, when a spouse dies, the simple rule of "do nothing for at least a year" holds true. Children should be loving, but firm about what they wish to do/not do for Mom (or Dad.) There "is" no "obligation." There may be many feelings of guilt and sometimes, (I must say "myself included") parents will foster those feelings in their children, even if unintentionally. Many times the parent has not given him/herself enough time to think things through clearly and the first thought might be "my child will take care of me." Unfortunately, many of us live our lives without thinking much about what we would do when certain events occur. I find that to be one of the biggest problems, so children should also give consideration to this now, before they are also put in a position to feel "needy." It is difficult on both sides, so planning is a big priority. Neither parents or children should put off speaking of the "what ifs" way before an actual event. That way everyone will be aware of the eventual happenings. It is so important not to wait until afterward, when one is griefstricken and oftentimes not thinking clearly. That is a time when feelings of anger and misplaced thoughts of "obligations" may raise their ugly heads.

Pattiponders, your posting touched me. That you can get past your own grief and loneliness to think how this would affect your daughter shows how loving you are. I think that if you moved near your daughter, you would be so considerate of her space and her life.

You see, when my dad went into a SNF, my mom didn't want to create her own life. She expected us to make her happy and so she gradually moved in with my sister and I and our families. No discussion, no thought that perhaps our husbands ought to have some say. She expected to go on every errand, every trip, every outing. I looked forward to her return to my sisters so I could have time with my husband and kids without her doing her best to make me feel guilty. Things went south when the kids were on their own and we were all empty nesters. Mom got bored, she'd cut all ties with friends and family, preferring to have a daughter take her everywhere. We tried to care for husbands with health issues with a narcissistic woman under foot who was no support at all. Eventually it got to where we couldn't leave town for a weekend because she was unsafe to be home alone. My sister's health got worse from the stress. Three years ago, a few things occurred. My sister lost her husband and realized that the stress of caring for our demanding and self absorbed mother would kill her. We'd been taking care of her for twenty years. My husband gently gave me an ultimatum - he wanted to be able travel, go out to dinner, have time together and I needed to figure out how to do this. So we found a lovely assisted living and placed Mom. She put us thru h*ll....Italian American mamas know all the buttons to push. But she had company, had help and was safe. She's since have health issues that necessitated moving her to skilled nursing. Is she pissed? Oh yeah. Is she safe and well cared for? Yes. Have we gotten trashed by her friends and relatives, the same ones who haven't helped in Twenty years? Absolutely. Our obligation is to make sure she is well cared for. They can rip us all they want...as our dad taught us, everyone has their own troubles and unless you are in their shoes, be kind. Ultimately you must look long and hard at how this will impact you and your family. No one else's opinions matter.

Ejbunicorn.....

My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine how you have kept up or if you still are. It has been some time since your post, but if you have not already, please check with Social Services to see if someone there might suggest an alternative, so that your Mom can move into a Nursing home or some other care facility. From your age, I can think that your Mom is on Medicare and I recall one of my relatives living in a Nursing home and her stay was paid for by Medicare. It took a great deal of stress off the family and the relative. She was able to communicate with other people in her situation and I'm sure felt much better. You don't need to drive yourself batty over this or worse. Ask for help......If you cannot get out, then call. You really need to relieve a lot of the stress you are undergoing. It's no way of life for either you or your Mother. You are still young and deserve to be happy.

After reading many of these posts, I realize I need to rethink my wanting to live with my daughter and her husband. My husband died and I am very lonely and live in a different State. In my mind, I was thinking that we could all be very happy together (like the Waltons,) but apparently have not been thinking clearly about how it could affect a daughter that I love very much. I would do nothing to ever hurt her and living with her just might stress her life and marriage. I can move back nearby and be in touch, but not overbearing. I do have hobbies and other interests, so once I feel more in control of my own life without my husband, I'm sure I will make out o.k. I see that I have been thinking a lot more about what I perceive to be my needs than hers. I guess I just miss my husband so much that I believed I could fill the gap by moving in with who I still think of as "my little girl." I loved my own mother, but I am not sure that had she wanted to live with me and I let her, that it would not have disrupted my own life. Loneliness does get to us, doesn't it?

Please don't. I had wanted my mother to move in with me. Even though I saw how she treated my brother (who never moved out) I thought that it would be different with me. Hah! Since day 1 I have regretted it! Obligation? Since when is anyone obligated to put up with meanness, selfishness, being unappreciated,only acknowledged when needed to be at someone's beck and call? I have said time and time again that my son owes me nothing. When I decided to bring him into this world I knew I had to love him, clothe him, feed him, make sure that he received an education, make sacrifices. This was not done to make him obligated to me. I have had many bumps in the road. I was a caregiver for my husband who died of cancer. I stood strong; felt no resentment whatsoever. But these three years have really taken its toll. If someone had ever told me that I would feel this way I would have laughed. Then on top of that you have the scrutiny of those who do nothing. One sister visits about 3 to 4 times a year; my brother hasn't seen her in 3 years; the other sister lives less than 5 minutes away and visits 4 to 5 times a week but never before 5:30 or 6:00 p.m. She comes in, goes in my mother's room to read or play games on her phone. I have talked and written letters to them-useless. The worst part is the resentment and anger that build and the guilt for having these feelings. Think twice and then some before you do anything out of "obligation".

The is no automatic formula for determining if someone should have an elderly parent move in. It seems like one of those situations where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you are feeling resentment, this will not help you to be a good caregiver. If you cannot live with your dad then do what you can to find a satisfactory alternative situation. You can continue to be a big part of his caregiving without having to live with him. You may even have more energy for caring for him when the resentment is gone. I have been down the road of resentment and it eats you up inside and keeps you from seeing the positive things about your dad. Do what you can to keep away from the really negative feelings. It really sounds like you need a break from the daily grind of caring for him and taking all the responsibility. Take care, I hope you find your way.

I totally understand as I am 53 and am my mother caregiver 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, she is bed and wheelchair bound but what would she do without me, there is no one else and she can't afford assisted living, that is what I was saying, that is we are going to keep people alive that long then the goverment needs to step and make assisted living and nursing homes less expensive than they are, I love my mom but yes if she could afford it, i would put her in assisted living at this point, not only am i her full time caregiver but i suffer from major depression and high axiety, i don't drive, my husband put us out in the middle of no where, married 11 years and has now abandoned us, now i am trying to arrage transportation for doctors, groceries, handle it all, i now weigh 94 pounds and am scared to death, I can't beleive i could of been so blind, I knew the way he treated me was wrong, but I made a vow to God and stayed anyway, turns out he is a control freak, a narracist sociopath, he lured me in and is doing his best to make me have another breakdown and to take my life, as i trusted him he knows my life story, i have been tortured all my life, 2 nervous breakdowns, had to be hospitalized and 2 sucides attempts, he is trying to make it three but he loses, God is not going to let this happen to me again, I will find a way to care for me and my mom, please keep me in your prayers, hugs

ejbunicorn - What has happened in the US is modern medicine! People live so much longer, and they don't live on farms any more. It's wonderful to save someone's life, but to have so many people, young and old, who can't leave their beds and who live for DECADES in that condition is sort of unnatural. Not saying what should be done about it, 'cause I don't know! But it does put a lot of pressure on their families, "children" who may be 50, 60 or 70 years old and also in poor health.

sometimes I wonder what has happened in the United States, they gave you birth and raised you, not your obigation but if you love them, then yes, I have been my mother's caretaker she lives with me for almost 7 years and will be until she goes to be with God. Hope you find your way, hugs

I noticed the words "obligation" and "it would have looked bad." Caring for your parent isn't about what's best for others; it's what's best for you and him. It's commendable to want to be there for a loved one when they need you. But it's also important to know that doing things solely out of obligation can breed a tremendous amount of resentment. If you do decide to have him with you you're going to need help; it's incredibly difficult to do alone. You'll also need to be clear with him that you can't do it alone and neither can he; you both will have to accept some help. If other people are pressuring you to have him with you you'll have to be vocal about your needing help and if they feel so strongly about it perhaps they can help you find it or offer to help out. Honoring him will mean taking into consideration what is ultimately in both your interests so that neither person is "stuck" with the other and feeling resentful. Being self-sacrificing is a virtue as long as it is your choice to be so. And making a decision to have him with you now doesn't mean your obligated to stick to that decision permanently. Driving yourself crazy and driving yourself to an early grave won't help him. And as chattycathy said, anyone who's been there will not judge you. Take care of yourself as you take care of him, whether it's at home or somewhere else!

There is no reason to feel this way. One can only do all that they can do and that is all that they can do!
I am my father's only child. He called me for medical assistance when he was ill and dying. He's now been with my husband and I for a year and a half. I thought surely as a life long trucker he would die in his bunk one day, alas, that is not the case.
His health is steadily declining and once he reaches the point that we can no longer care for him, he will be going to a nursing home.
I have arranged for him to go to the senior citizens center everyday, except for S/S. He gets picked up at 9, is fed a hot meal, enjoys activities with the other seniors and is home by 2:30.
He's been hospitalized or in a med rehab for over a hundred days in the past year and a few months.
No, you are not obligated, nor is anyone else to care for their parents, regardless of how they may or may not have loved you. YOU have to decide what's best for YOU. Your father may even be happier around people his own age. They have much more in common.
I too am in my 50's (where did those years go!), retired and also caring for my grand daughter, husband who is disabled and my daughter who just went through a double mastectomy at the tender age of 33.
The bottom line is your call. Talk with his and your primary care giver. Mine has been an absolute God send!
My father will soon be going into a nursing home and pass away as his body can't take much more.
I totally understand where you are coming from, but you have to do what's right for you too.

Your father had an obligation to plan for his senior years and not rely on you to take on those responsibilities. You have been taking care of your responsibilities without his help. You are helping him and that is all the obligation you owe him. There are places he can live besides with you.

You give a hug to the person by clicking on "Give a Hug" under the person's nam. It will appear on their wall. I am sending you one. Look for it under your Public Profile upper right of the page, or under your news feed.

How do I post "Send a hug" with my comments? Choni

Do NOT even give it a second thought. Your father MUST NOT live with you. Tell those who are pressuring you that things have changed and you are no longer able to give Dad a home. If they ask "why" tell them it's just not doable. Period. Russkm, I cry almost daily that I can't have my HUSBAND here with me. We tried, but he needs two people to transfer him in and out of bed. Since he's in nursing care, my depression is so much better. I think the extra responsibility of having him here was truly killing me. I go to the nursing home and have lunch with him daily, then stay another hour or so. No one criticizes . They all agree I'm doing the best for both of us.
I'm adding you to my daily prayers. Remember that you must take care of yourself. What good would it do if you took him in, stressed yourself until you died and left him to be cared for by the very people who are making YOU feel guilty? His life and their lives would be dreadful. Choose a nursing home where staff is friendly, smiling, and caring well for residents. God bless you! Sending you hugs and prayers. Choni

"live closer" - I mean to the job

((((((ronny))))) I think it takes two - one to fail at their marital responsibilities, and one to take on too much. In my eyes, your husband bears as much responsibility as you do. I understand you feeling that you had little choic. Why would him being so complacent sit well with you, while you were working your butt off? No one would feel good in that position. And here he is, complacent again. I am sorry you are draining your 401K accounts to stay afloat - not a good idea in my view. To think ahead a little, will he continue to do this if you take that job, and live closer? Can you protect what is left in your 401K accounts? It sounds like you have been the major contributor to them.
It is not OK that you gave up a good job, came to live in a remote area to serve your mum, or are facing losing your husband. Can you let go what others think and just do what is good for you?
Many people where I live work away from home on shift work, and return home periodically. For them. it is necessity as this is where the work is. It seems to work out for most. If you want to make a go of your marriage, would this work for you? 70 miles is not such a long drive for a weekend.
I toltally understand you wanting a life without someone to look after, and also that you want to be in a position to look after yourself. After a few mistakes, I made sure I was in a position to look after myself fairly comfortably, even though it meant working till I was 73. However, I also worked because I loved it. I set goals and met them. I did not start this till I was 50. I think you are going in the right direction. You can't put the clock back, you can only go forward, and try not to repeat the same mistakes, as is true for all of us. I will mention counselling again - for you and/or you and your husband .It could help you to not fall back into the old patterns, and could improve your marriage.
Be strong, let your husband and your mother figure out their problems, and as jeanne says "You go, girl!"
Do let us know who it goes. You will likely need support in this. There are wonderful women on this site who will come along side of you.
(((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Ronnystee, your husband and your mother will have to tighten their belts and figure it out. Are you strong enough to let that happen? Can you find a nice place to live, support yourself, and tuck any extra away for your own retirement and not pour it into supporting them? If so, you go girl! I wish you the very best!

Dear emjo, thank you. My "controlling"streak is quite likely what has led to my husband's resentment. However, at the time, I guess like I felt that I had littler choice as we were still putting one through college and recovering from his job loss in 2009. His complacency of our financial situation while I was working my butt of wasn't sitting well with me. We had to rent our home out to avoid foreclosure so we had moved into a double that I could afford on my salary. At the time he was just getting ready to turn 62 and had decided that he didn't need to work because he could just take his SS benefit. Needless to say, I was unhappy about that since it likely meant that he would no longer make contributions to his 401K. And I was right. So, now, without me working, we are draining our 401K accounts to stay afloat each month. So yes, I am upset with my mother when she is still doing everything she has always done and acting like we must be going out back to the money tree each month to pay the bills. And yes, I am upset with my husband about his complacency (once again) to just allow me to I've away while he stays here with my mother. I am perplexed why some people think I should be ok with giving up a job, moving to a remote area for my mother, Of not being able to find a job, using my retirement to make ends meet and now likely losing my husband because the only decent job I can find is 70 miles away.
And yes, I am resentful that I have never in my adult life, had any time that there wasn't a child in the house and that includes my mother now. I wanted at least some "empty nester" time......what is wrong with that?
If offered this job, I will most likely accept it and move closer to the job. Which means my husband and my mother will have to tighten their belts and figure it out.
I appreciate your sensitivity to my dilemma and everyone else out there who finds themselves in similar situations. I just don't want to find myself in a situation where I am expecting someone to take care of me because I was financially irresponsible.

Peeweedeb -whether your comments are directred at russkm or at Ronnystee they are inappropriate and unkind. This site is for support for people going through difficult caregiving experiences, and not the place to be critical.

Ronnystee - I can see you feel that you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I must say I don't understand you husband's position other than that he is comfortable where he is, and that is more important to him than his marriage to you. You mention forcing him to get a job - forcing someone to do something does not get good results. I have a controlling streak too, from childhood issues, and am still learning. He may be harbouring resentment. I am not disagreeing that he should contribute to the household, I believe he should. Would marriage counselling help you, and him to resolve some of your marital issues?
As far as what you owe these two and what you should do, I ask what you owe yourself. Your mother has misrepresented herself, and obviously is more independent that she gave you to believe. It sounds like she has good financial resources - let her hire the help she needs. I think you have been manipulated by her, and perhaps by your husband who saw a cushy situation for himself. The job you are looking at sounds like a Godsend, in all respects, incuding moving away.

Your husband is not concerned about you moving away ' "Do what you have to do", and he will not consider how this situation is affecting you. That concerns me in terms of his committment to your marriage. Cat commented that your husband is like your mother - I think so.
Please look after yourself. Your mother has the resources to look after herself and yet she wants you to "serve" her. Your husband may still want to rely on you for support. Is that what you want for yourself?
I am listening to your feelings, and can identify with feeling at the end of your tether, and also feeling like you have been taken.
Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes.((((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Peeweedeb, who are you talking to? I am not used to living alone, I am married and I am used to working and I raised 3 children plus 3 stepchildren. What I don't appreciate is being lied to BY MY MOTHER to once again, get what she wants. Not at my expense. Like I said before, I am happy for those who have taken in their parents and it is working out for all concerned. I thought it was going to be that way for us. But it's not. And I am not the one who changed the circumstances. My mother did by misrepresenting her situation to me. I have been the only child of 3 for the last 15 years to do anything for my mother and I have done a lot. And my feelings are telling me that we have made a huge mistake by taking her in at this time......some am listening to my feelings.....for a change.

Maybe you should listen to your feeelings, perhaps they are telling you something. This is your mother, and personally, I think that you should feel guilty if you don't take her in. So what, you are use to living alone! It is time to change your ways, and take in your mom. How could you even think any other way? You can always get help through county agencies, through insurance, and so much more. There are endless resources available if you just look for them. You would still be able to work ( if you work). Stop being so selfish, and help your mother out, because one day she is not going to be around anymore. One day will come and you will feel that crushing inside of you as you realize that you will never see your mother again. Things have already changed for you. Do the right thing.

I am sorry. I did not mean to sound self righteous. I should have said that some people may not totally understand or agree with our decision, but we felt it was the right thing to do. Furthermore, the outcome may not always turn out the same way. Once again, sorry for the wording of my reply.

To Tinman, you did do a wonderful thing for your mother and stepfather. And I am happy that it is working out for YOU and your family. But please don't be so ignorant to think that it works out for EVERYBODY. And to call someone narcissictic when you have not been in their shoes is even more ignorant. You even admitted that you were unsure that it would be difficult and that you and your wife would not have time for yourselves. So you too, had some "narcissistic" thoughts prior to the move. Well, you and your wife got lucky that it's working out. Some of the rest of us have not been so lucky. So, thank your lucky stars and enjoy your mother and stepfather and instead of passing judgement on those of us not so lucky, say a prayer for us instead.

Dear Cattails, I think you have touched on something that I have either not recognized or didn't want to recognize. But you are right. I have been taking care of things in our marriage too...which probably explains a lot of the resentment I am feeling. Now instead of taking care of one, I am taking care of 2. Neither one of these individuals wants to worry about anything and they don't have to if I am around. I guess I just didn't see the obvious. My husband will be 65 next month so he goes on Medicare, so he will have health insurance. He works a part time, $8 hr job. But you are right, still not enough to make ends meet if I am not helping out.
And here is an update: I had an interview yesterday and am very hopeful I will be offered the position. The quirky dirk is that it is about 70 miles from where we live and the organization is worried about me taking the job and then deciding it's too far to drive and quitting. It's a demanding position but the pay would be good, they would pay my health, vision and dental completely and they contribute 5% of my income every year into a 401K plus a bonus at the end of each year. They asked me if I would consider moving closer to the job if I was offered the position. I said that I would. How can I turn down exactly what I have been looking for? I haven't really discussed this with my husband yet, but I suspect he will just let me go. So then, what is my obligation to these two at that point?
You need to know that my mother bought an airline ticket for she and my loser uncle to fly to NC for 18 days, so she isn't here now. This is the same woman who is afraid to live alone and wanted to live with us. She has consistently driven back to her home town (30 miles each way)to have lunch with her friends, get her hair and nails done and see her doctors. She has done nothing about trying to find a doctor here.
Also, I have not spoken to her in 6 weeks. She upset me so much when my friend was here visiting in August by the way she behaved. That incident DID make me realize how self centered she is. But wow, my husband really is that way when his comfort level appears threatened, I just didn't see it.
I suspect that these two will expect me to continue to help out financially even if I don't live here. What am I supposed to do?

Ronnystee: You are not your mother, but I think you may have married a man who is very much like her. Think about that for a moment. She needs people, your dad, to take care of her, etc. Your husband seems to need someone to take care of him too. He wants to stay in this agreement because nothing is really needed of him. Your mom bought the house. You are doing your best to keep things afloat and he collects his SS and is just fine with the situation.

You are in a difficult situation, but I can't imagine your husband leaving you. He only has his SS and would have to find someone else to supplement his income and cover his health care.

I wish you well and hope things improve. Cattails

You did a wonderful thing, Tinman, and I am so glad it is working out so well for you.

But what is this self-righteous crap "I don't expect you to understand our selfless act." What?!! The rest of us can possibly understant selflessness? I think you are on the wrong board.

Wow... Can you say "narcissism"? My wife and I recently took in my elderly and handicapped mother and step father. At first we thought that it was going to be difficult and that we would never have time for ourselves. However, at the same time we said to ourselves, "It's the right thing to do." To make a long story short... It was the best thing we did. Both of them appear to be happier and healthier than ever before. We actually believe the move added years to their lives. Now they live closer to their family and out of the rat hole they were living in.

I don't expect you to understand our selfless act of taking care of our parents. I know it was their responsibility to take care of us when we were young, but it is our turn now.