What is my obligation as to providing detailed expense documentation for my Mom (80) who lives with us?

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My husband and I took my mother in after a stroke and broken hip. She owned nothing and was living on her Social Security after my father passed away 6 months earlier. At first, we used her money to pay her bills and for medical expenses, but leftover money was hers. It wasn't much, maybe $400 or so. Then,after 3 months or so after her debt was cleared up, due to my inability to work full time, we started charging for "rent" which was about half of her income, plus a phone line and storage for her "stuff" which we had no room for in our home. She takes care of nothing for herself except getting dressed and keeping her bedroom in order, and using the bathroom. She is ambulatory with a walker. She needs someone around full time, but I can scoot out to the store now and again. I keep a video on and audio monitors throughout the house. I work for my own construction company but spend more time on my mother, so I have not been pulling a paycheck for about a year now. I help with the business as much as possible because it is a family business.
It has been difficult with my mother and my workload around the house is seriously increased because she is sloppy and dismisses the need for being careful or considerate. This means spills, broken dishes, lost items, etc.
I had been keeping track of a lot of expenses and was trying to just put her on a monthly allowance of $300 which would be for things she might want to get, whatever it might be. I want to keep the rest for her final expenses and to compensate us for the loss of privacy and upkeep, eating out, extra food, etc. I tire of writing this stuff down and trying to be honest about it, but the reality is that it would be much more expensive to go to assisted living for her (which she could not afford) and a nursing home would give her $100 and take the rest. I fee like her care is better with us, but I think that she thinks that we are "stealing" her money. I have 4 brothers and sisters, of which 1 keeps in touch but I get no help whatsoever with anything other than from my husband and adult children.
I guess I wonder what others do with parents who move in with just social security. I still cover everything she needs, winter coats, glasses, co-pays etc. She wants for nothing. I just dont want to have to make a listing of everything which adds one more thing that I have to do over and above the stuff I already do. I have her Power of Attorney, but not sure if I should have something else in writing too.
I am putting this under "Caregiver Burnout" because that is kind of what it is. Not only does does my mother take most of my personal time, dismisses my directives for careful behavior, does nothing to help herself or others, but I feel guilting taking the money that really should be going to her caretakers, my husband and I.

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Another things to consider is whether there is anyone in the family who would question what you have done with funds or not. You really should visit an estate planner and/or eldercare attorney and make sure that agreements are appropriate and based on fair market value or a little under, and what will work best to assure sufficient funding for the long run. It is generally OK to use Mom's money for the legal consultations, and as long as you find someone reasonable and scrupulous what you invest in that will most likely pay off in peace of mind and even financially for all of you too. Best wishes in this endeavor!
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Maybe instead of writing everything down.. save your reciepts, circle what is her part, and file it by month in a file folder. Then if you need it later you can pull it out (or pass the folder to who ever needs it for proof) this is also helpful at tax time. If you are paying her co-pays and dr bills you will want this at tax time anyway. My mom has been doing their reciepts this way for years.. we just give it to the tax preparer and off he goes.. may work for others as well!
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For two years my dad has been I'll in and out if hospital and rehab he doesn't live with us so i ran day and night for him even in the middle of night meantime my brothers and sisters would shut off their phones or not answer to him so now I have him in a senior group house so I don't have to put him in nursing home home cooked meals his own bedroom 2 person assistance 24 Hours a day I don't have to worry about him as much cause I have help but I still have to take him appts. Pay his bills look after his house so on.... so care agreement doesn't end
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I can imagine it being that way what palm tree says is often true but the lawyer explained to my dad everything that my husband and I am doing for him on a daily basis he signed the care agreement in front of lawyer and secretary in his bed hasn't asked anymore about it but I can imagine my brothers and sisters would have something to say about it if they knew but the lawyer says that's between me and my dad they don't do nothing for him they just picture everything is so simple they don't have an idea what it takes handling everything for our dad everyday
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In my mother's financial POA there is the opportunity for the POA to be paid for their services. Neat and tidy. However Mom automatically vetoed that! My poor brother, her Golden Child, will not be able to compensate himself for anything. She has already accused me of wanting money from her (not true) so that ship has sailed.
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As long as it's in writing and signed notary lawyer Its the best way to take care of things
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My dad's lawyer asked my dad to agree to a caretaking agreement with a reasonable amount every month taking out for everything that I do which was getting very stressful that way when medicaid was to take over they know it was for services which is fair my other sisters and brothers never helped with anything they didn't care my husband helped me fixing his house and his cars upkeep running back and forth from our house to his appts needs bills
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I did go back to my spiral bound notebook and began documenting all things. My mother had been in an out of the hospital for about a month and I ended up paying for a lot her expenses on my account, but later on transferred monies. I just got sloppy really; I had grown so tired of keeping up with it all. Things have quieted now and it is time to get back to "normal" again. I did review her expenses, and if she keeps on a budget, she pays us a bit of rent, also her phone, and her insurances, there's not much left anyway but that amount could go toward her final expenses. I do have paperwork into the VA for supplemental funds because she does need full time assistance and I believe they may step in and help. If they do, we could arrange for Assisted LIving. It would be much tighter financially speaking, but it may be the best thing for all of us. I do have 4 siblings, of which 1 occassionally helps. He really cannot do much other than keep in touch, and that is a blessing really. My other siblings wrote my mother off after my father passed away and they couldn't be bothered. She was a needy person and not the most honest, however, that was then and this is now. They cannot put the past behind them and as a result, I am doing double time trying to hold it together. All of you have had wonderful advice and I am truly thankful for just having somebody give me some insight on all of this. So, thanks so much!
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I moved in with my mom 4 months ago full time. Before that it was on and off. I heard that Medicaid looks back so many years and NOT to sell the house. If you live with your parent at least 2 years, they take that into account and won't (?) go after the house if she would have to go to Medicaid. I have POA for her health, finances, and also on her checking account.
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Donna, first and foremost, the business should be paying you for your work, because you will need your own social security soon.
Second, let mom build up some funds for her final expenses.
Third and very importantly, lay it all on the table with family and set a firm date for mom to move to assisted living. Find out what ALF's near you cost and what kind of financial assistance is available. VA? Medicaid Waiver? Split the extra cost five ways? Anyone who misses the meeting better not complain later. OH and Countrymouse is right, a POA cannot pay themselves, it is a conflict of interest and can get really ugly from a legal standpoint. Medicaid considers the money a gift and thus denies benefits to mom.
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