Am I obligated to drive my Mother around when she has alternate transportation possibilities? - AgingCare.com

Am I obligated to drive my Mother around when she has alternate transportation possibilities?

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Is it wrong for me to fee resentful about it? My mother recently moved about 20 minutes away from our neighborhood because her rent became very expensive. We offered to continue to help her financially so she could stay close to us, but she hates taking money from us. Right after she moved she decided she would not drive anymore. She is 76 with some health issues but is mentally capable and can get around of course with some knee issues. She has a para transit pass and can ride around for $4 anywhere including to my house, but she refuses to use the service. I have to pick her up and drop her off with my 2 year old in the car. I don't mind once in a while but this is multiple times a week and it's starting to stress me out.I have to block out Thursdays and Fridays because she has stuff to do in our neighborhood and I need to drive her to those things too when she is here on those days. I feel like I am on call those two days and I often get stuck in traffic when I take her home and pick her up. I just feel like it's ridiculous for me to make a round trip with a small child when she can just take the service one way to come over. She always says yes to help babysit so I feel obligated to drive her, but I'm starting to resent her for being so stubborn and not considering I have a child, house and husband to take care of. It would just make it so much easier to at least meet me half way. I don't mind helping her with errands in my neighborhood but if she could get here and back it would ease the burden. When I try to talk to her she says other children help their parents and thens he asks me what kind of person I am to not drive her mother home.

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Thanks everyone for the input. My mom doesn't like changes so I think that's a big part of it. She also mentioned once that she is embarrassed to ride around in a marked car, but there is no one who would see her. I also think she feels like I care if I bend over backwards. I"m trying to put myself in her shoes, but I keep getting angry and we fight each time she expects me to drive her. Part of me thinks I should just accept it, do it, and not resent it so much but I'm already stressed out with everything else going on at home that it just adds to it.
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Many of us face this, I feel bad when I say no. I say no anyway. My dad wants to go to old his old job sites and even call ex workers and cabs if I say no. He threatens me and gets mean. It's hard on me, but now I stick to my guns to protect him. I am exhausted and just their Dr appointments, Mom's mani, hair, and her weekly dinner out, are all I can handle. I will set up the grocery delivery this week. Thank you for suggesting that freqflyer! I have a wonderful pharmacy that
delivers and it really helps.
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How much does cab service in your area cost?

Normally, I'm a big believer in setting boundaries, but in this case, your mom is saving you money by babysitting. Maybe she knows paratransit is unreliable in her are; that would be an inconvenience for you, wouldn't it?

You need to figure out what is in play here. Is mom having difficulty remembering addresses? Is she terribly anxious when someone else is driving? (My mom would say " it was a harrowing trip), meaning that it wasn't someone she knew driving. This sounds like an issue with many layers, so peel them back. But paying for a cab may be the simplest right now.
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hbibkefriend, rising hand, I know what you are going through. Time to set boundaries, which was something I never did and wished I would have.

Seven years ago my Dad stopped driving and my Mom had stopped years earlier. They wanted to go here, there, everywhere... I was driving over hill and dale. Scheduling time off from work, using my vacation days, using my sick days, and eventually days without pay because my folks wouldn't ride with strangers :P My gosh, I couldn't imagine trying to do that with a toddler in tow.

Let me mention, my parents were in their 90's, so can you picture driving your Mom for the next 15-20 years???

Right now, set boundaries. Drives only to doctor appointments. Set up a grocery home delivery service, we have Peapod here in my area. You can order groceries on-line and the next day the groceries will be at your Mom's front door [there are minimum amounts, like $60 worth of groceries], it's worth the delivery fee.

Yes, the stress. I got to the point I was having serious panic attacks while driving, then the panic attacks were happening the night before driving my parents. Even telling my parents that, they would only say "but who will drive us?". Was I resentful, heck yes after what it was doing to my health.

Now my Dad [Mom since passed] has a Caregiver who will drive him anywhere his heart desires, within reason :)
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Paratransit, in our experience, is a joke. People wait for hours to get picked up or dropped off. On the other hand, multiple runs a week is unreasonable. Mom is manipulating you out of sheer boredom. You need to establish boundaries, and stick to them no matter how much she whines.
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Where I live it's called a "lift bus". It will pick you up and drop you off. The problem with these buses at least in my city - is they require a two hour window. So if you are trying to get to an appointment you have to factor in travel time along with the two hours. Meaning there will be times one would arrive very early to an appointment. Depending on the condition of the person being trandported this could be a disaster.
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