My mother is 66, I am 37. She suffers from Peripheral Neuropathy, severe depression and bi-polar disorder, mild to moderate memory loss, and total incontinence. She has been in a nursing home for four months now, after her assisted living place told me they could no longer care for her because she was falling almost every single day. She is extremely depressed and sobs and sobs to me on the phone to get her out of there. I visit her once a week because the facility is close to my work. But that's 40 minutes away and I have two small children, 3 & 6, and a full time job so it's difficult to get there more. All the "children" of the other residents at her nursing home are all 20 years older than me (just like the residents are 20 yrs older than my mom). Most of them can dedicate more time to their loved ones because their children are grown and some of them are even retired. But I feel I have done and am doing the best I can! Because of her bi-polar/depression, I have been caring for her my entire adult life in one way or another, gradually increasing in responsibilities over the years. It started out with me paying a bill or two during college, to me picking up the pieces every time she lost a job, paying all her bills, filling out job applications and sending her resume to help her find new jobs, apologizing to her neighbors and friends when she had a blowout screaming match at them, getting her on food stamps and government subsidies, finding subsidized housing for her, seeking out an assisted living facility, getting her on Medicaid, and most recently, finding the nursing home and tending to her needs there which is more than I thought it would be. I kind of thought she'd be taken care of once at a nursing home, but it's a lot of work to be a constant advocate for your mother and making sure she is getting sufficient care. She fights with all the staff, so I'm constantly diffusing situations. She has accused a CNA of verbal and physical abuse that involved a police investigation. It's terrible. And I feel so ashamed because I am irritated at her constantly, not empathetic. I guess I have a lot of resentment towards her because growing up, she wasn't exactly a role model for motherhood. Due to her mental illness, she was verbally and physically abusive to both my father and me. She cheated on my dad resulting in two abortions, now they're divorced, I'm an only child, she has not one living relative that could help me, and I'm stuck having to care for her when she did such a poor job caring for her family while I was growing up. So yes, I'm resentful. When I'm alone and reflecting on her situation, I feel truly bad for her and I cry and I'm so ashamed of myself for not doing more. It must be terrible to have your life taken away from you with someone else making all your decisions and you not having a say in anything that happens to you. That is why I am moving her one more time, putting her in the driver's seat to actually choose the place herself. The last time, I had the assisted living facility telling me she had to get out, and she was in the hospital and they wanted to discharge her, so my hands were strapped and I had to find someplace quickly. Because she's on Medicaid her options are limited and some of the places I visited were so awful!! Of the nine places I visited over two days, the place I found is actually super nice and her doctor there is the best she's had. But she hates it, hates the food, hates the staff, hates her roommate, calls everyone "crazies in this loony bin". I feel like I can do nothing to help her feel better. What she needs is a place where there are more people like herself. Younger people who are still relatively "with it" but due to tragedy or fate, can no longer care for themselves. I'd love to find a place that goes on outings, and has more engaging activities than just Bingo. My mom is very sharp compared to others at her home. (Besides minor memory loss and of course her depression) Does a place like that even exist? And better yet, does a place like that exist when all you have is Medicaid? I haven't found anything. Living with us is not an option, unless I want to totally sabotage my relationship with my children and husband, and quit my job. I'm amazed at how many people out there judge people like me about not having her live with us. In my view, my children and husband have to come first. Am I totally evil? I feel that way and I wonder how God would judge me. Feeling lost. Any advice would be welcome, thanks.