Are there any nursing homes for "younger" disabled residents? Feeling helpless.

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My mother is 66, I am 37. She suffers from Peripheral Neuropathy, severe depression and bi-polar disorder, mild to moderate memory loss, and total incontinence. She has been in a nursing home for four months now, after her assisted living place told me they could no longer care for her because she was falling almost every single day. She is extremely depressed and sobs and sobs to me on the phone to get her out of there. I visit her once a week because the facility is close to my work. But that's 40 minutes away and I have two small children, 3 & 6, and a full time job so it's difficult to get there more. All the "children" of the other residents at her nursing home are all 20 years older than me (just like the residents are 20 yrs older than my mom). Most of them can dedicate more time to their loved ones because their children are grown and some of them are even retired. But I feel I have done and am doing the best I can! Because of her bi-polar/depression, I have been caring for her my entire adult life in one way or another, gradually increasing in responsibilities over the years. It started out with me paying a bill or two during college, to me picking up the pieces every time she lost a job, paying all her bills, filling out job applications and sending her resume to help her find new jobs, apologizing to her neighbors and friends when she had a blowout screaming match at them, getting her on food stamps and government subsidies, finding subsidized housing for her, seeking out an assisted living facility, getting her on Medicaid, and most recently, finding the nursing home and tending to her needs there which is more than I thought it would be. I kind of thought she'd be taken care of once at a nursing home, but it's a lot of work to be a constant advocate for your mother and making sure she is getting sufficient care. She fights with all the staff, so I'm constantly diffusing situations. She has accused a CNA of verbal and physical abuse that involved a police investigation. It's terrible. And I feel so ashamed because I am irritated at her constantly, not empathetic. I guess I have a lot of resentment towards her because growing up, she wasn't exactly a role model for motherhood. Due to her mental illness, she was verbally and physically abusive to both my father and me. She cheated on my dad resulting in two abortions, now they're divorced, I'm an only child, she has not one living relative that could help me, and I'm stuck having to care for her when she did such a poor job caring for her family while I was growing up. So yes, I'm resentful. When I'm alone and reflecting on her situation, I feel truly bad for her and I cry and I'm so ashamed of myself for not doing more. It must be terrible to have your life taken away from you with someone else making all your decisions and you not having a say in anything that happens to you. That is why I am moving her one more time, putting her in the driver's seat to actually choose the place herself. The last time, I had the assisted living facility telling me she had to get out, and she was in the hospital and they wanted to discharge her, so my hands were strapped and I had to find someplace quickly. Because she's on Medicaid her options are limited and some of the places I visited were so awful!! Of the nine places I visited over two days, the place I found is actually super nice and her doctor there is the best she's had. But she hates it, hates the food, hates the staff, hates her roommate, calls everyone "crazies in this loony bin". I feel like I can do nothing to help her feel better. What she needs is a place where there are more people like herself. Younger people who are still relatively "with it" but due to tragedy or fate, can no longer care for themselves. I'd love to find a place that goes on outings, and has more engaging activities than just Bingo. My mom is very sharp compared to others at her home. (Besides minor memory loss and of course her depression) Does a place like that even exist? And better yet, does a place like that exist when all you have is Medicaid? I haven't found anything. Living with us is not an option, unless I want to totally sabotage my relationship with my children and husband, and quit my job. I'm amazed at how many people out there judge people like me about not having her live with us. In my view, my children and husband have to come first. Am I totally evil? I feel that way and I wonder how God would judge me. Feeling lost. Any advice would be welcome, thanks.

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As to her alienating the other residents and staff, you might talk to some of them for a reality check. I've heard several accounts of people who consistently act quite charming with the others and staff and are accepted and liked -- even though they give the opposite story to their relatives.
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There are five people in this equation. Your Mom, you ,husband and two little ones. Mom only gets one fifth of the pie not the whole pie. In my opinion she has already consumed her share. Loose the guilt, she does not feel guilty for the burden she has placed on you. She has and still is a rotten person to you and everyone around her. You have done more than she should expect by finding her a good environment, don't even think of moving her nothing will make her happy. It is sad that she is so sick at such a young age but she has made poor health choices and that can not be undone. Do not risk ruining four other lives for the sake of one never to be satisfied elder. of course continue to visit and manage her affairs but cut the self pitying phone calls off if she won't listen to cheerful family news. send her notes, have the kids make cards and enclose photographs but do not give yourself a life sentence. Your husband and kids need to be nurtured
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McKenna13, your mother is and was the epitome of selfishness, and now the 'chickens have come back to roost' so to speak. That fact has never been your fault, nor will it ever be your fault. We all reap what we sow, whether that be good or bad. You said your mother is on Medicaid, doesn't that mean she has a Case Worker that comes with that? It also sounds like she should be officially considered 'disabled' and I know there are case workers that are assigned to people who are disabled and on state assistance. So that's where I'd start, with her case worker. Put the ball in the professionals corner and take a step back. What happened to your dad? Is he still around to give you some emotional fortification? Also, here in Oregon we have the Adult Foster Care system that I've become a firm believer of instead of always jumping at the nursing home option. I realize nursing homes meet a need, but it doesn't have to be the ONLY need in my opinion. Your mother's bridge burning days have caught up to her, and that was NOT your fault either.
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I would recommend that you not try to find a different location for your mom. Trust me, she is not going to be happy anyplace that you find for her. Moving her around will not change the feeling of resentment toward the other people in the home. She has likely alienated the other residents and the staff, and now has no one to communicate with. It won't take long for that same situation to arise at a new location. If she is in a nice home and has a good doctor, then she is where she needs to be -- and you are where you need to be, a concerned and loving daughter with a life of your own.
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Hi Mckenna. I have a similar problem in reverse. I have a 46 year old daughter who has always been both physically and mentally ill. She has had 4 children and the family has stepped in and raised 3 out of the 4. She still has a 13 yr old at home that I am worried sick about but I raised his brother, cared for my motherinlaw and now my mother. I cannot have her in my home - she is poison to the soul. I bought her a home 10 years ago but I think she will soon need to be somewhere with over site and care. I too have been looking for something for younger people with no success. She is on medicaid. There are a few only for the VERY rich places I have uncovered, but they are off the scale for us. I will keep following this in hopes that someone will have an idea. I have always paid all her bills and could apply that money to a place but still we don't even come close. My prayers are with you,
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I had a son who I had to put into a nursing home at the age of 31. Unfortunately, there are no nursing homes or similar facilities for younger people or elders. He had a brain disease and I could possibly have continued taking care of his physical needs at home but the disease caused explosive temper outbursts, semi-violent behavior, and a lack of disregard for anything I said. I felt a mental facility might have been better for him but since his primary diagnosis was physical that wasn't an option. I am wondering if your mother would qualify for a mental health facility. It took my son 6 months of acting out, etc. before he started to accept the nursing home as his home. He developed relationships with the staff and some of the residents even though they were 30 yrs older than him. I too resented my son for his erratic behavior which made me worry every day if he was going to act out, throw his food tray or push a CNA. It was only when his physical condition got worse and he wasn't a threat and started to mellow out that I started to feel more compassion for him. I'm rambling but I'd say leave her where she is and give it time.
Tobey
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I do not know of nursing homes for younger patients, but if you moved her, she would still be unhappy. You need a support group. One with a nursery for the kids. Check with local churches. I bet you can find one. Also, could she go to a local day care for seniors. They have more activities.

I am sorry that you feel bad for not bringing her home. But, that would wreck your life and your health. Where are her other relatives?
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Stay strong. You are doing the right thing and the best that you can.
You are a good daughter, please do not doubt yourself.
If you, the competent one, judge this is a good facility, do not let your mom, the incompetent one in this relationship, make you second guess yourself.
She is not happy, regardless of facility, the facility I'd just something to blame.
Her unhappiness is from inside.
BTW, if you took her home (which you should NOT), she would not be happy either, and then neither would you or your family.
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How I should never have have a life and do every thing for her. it is not what my mum wants or me.
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In your post, you slipped in "minor memory loss". Hmmm...what does that mean? Do you think she has some "minor" signs of dementia coming on?

As I'm sure you know McK, this is an all too familiar story of a child raising a bipolar parent. Very sad for you but it sounds like you've gone on to create a very stable, healthy and happy life.

With any of our elders, more often than not we find that we cannot make them happy. Oh, we try to juggle, balance, reason with an even cajole to wade through the muck and mire of caretaking. It's a rare case where the elder is amenable and the caretaking a pleasure. You are not alone in your feelings and in your concerns about how a different choice (such as trying to have your mom live with you) would affect your family.

All things being equal, if you believe you have found the best place for your mom, don't move her. She will likely not be happy at any place you put her and it will be the hamster wheel for you, suffering over her next place and worrying about whether you should move her again. If this place tolerates her behavior, takes Medicaid and has a good doctor (boy oh boy, rare), don't even think about moving her. Don't talk to her about moving or agree with her about moving. You can quietly do some research on your own to see if you can find a younger facility but I would think such a place is highly unusual.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Haven't you been care taking her long enough? She is fortunate to have you, your level of concern is admirable but if she is being properly cared for, there's not much more you can do.

TRY AS YOU MIGHT, YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO TRULY MAKE HER HAPPY AND IF YOU CONTINUE TO TRY AT AN UNHEALTHY AND UNREASONABLE LEVEL, YOU MAY DESTROY YOURSELF.
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