The nursing home wants to send my father-in-law to an assisted living facility, but the family would rather him stay. What can we do? - AgingCare.com

The nursing home wants to send my father-in-law to an assisted living facility, but the family would rather him stay. What can we do?

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Father in law medically is in fair shape for having COPD and congestive heart failure due to care and meds. However the NH wants to send him to Assisted living. The family would like to see him stay in the NH.


He also has moderate dementia diagnosis and fails testing for decisional capacity. He probably has narcissistic personality disorder and grandiose thoughts of himself. He thinks he can do anything and dosent care who gets hurt in the process.


We don't know what to do with him. He won't listen to us and says he fired his son as healthcare proxy. (Son is also POA) but I guess that's also in question. The father also makes false accusations about theft, and tells the NH that the only thing he will accept is to go home. We all know that's not the place for him.

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Granjan,
In my state elder caregivers of all levels and agencies(NH, AL ,Home Health Companies and VNA etc.) are required to have periodic training on dementia care. Not to say everyone learns or remembers proper approaches. Unfortunately some caregivers are not good at working with dementia patients no matter what they are taught!
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Quirky, you are on the right track with seeing the neurologist and looking to follow-up with a court order if necessary. Hang in there. At least it sounds like the rest of the family is in agreement about his needs, so that's a big step in the right direction right there.
Sad to think about this, but if he's ranting about buying an arsenal, I'd think a court would take notice now of the issues that could arise from that.
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Nursing homes are often not secure
5 years ago my mom was h*ll bent on escaping even though she was there just temporarily following surgery

Facility said get her a 24 hour aide or we call APS if she escapes and this was after a fall she had in her room there in which she cracked her tailbone but they didn't know it

The demented with behavioral issues do not do well in nursing homes
- they are sedated
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Don't fall for this trick. The NH my late mother was in pulled this stunt my telling her "you're too well to stay here." Dumbfounded, my brother and I laid a large chunk of change down for an AL. They were very much wrong...in fact DEAD WRONG!! My late mother suffered a stroke less than 48 hours later at the Nursing Home!! She did pass away.
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What can the VA do for him? We had a cousin who had Alzheimers' who was in a VA hospital and it worked well for him. (If they have staff people who might be more strict with him he might respond. It does sound as if he wouldn't do well in a home care situation because of his stubbornness and attitude. It could be that he is too physically strong for the NH to handle.
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Lots of NHs do not train their staff to deal with dementia patients. Irresponsible but true. Memory Care facilities do, however it is hard to find one that has Medicaid beds. Perhaps you could have a patient planning meeting with the nursing home and tell them your frustrations and then listen to theirs. A plan can be formed as to what can be done to change his behavior, i.e. different medication. He may be taking meds for his behavior but perhaps a different one might be better. There are many on the market. I would do everything I could before moving him. That could open up a can of worms that is worse than what you are currently dealing with.
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If the nursing home deemed him well enough for assisted-living, then he needs to go into assisted living since she no longer needs to be in the nursing home. With assisted-living, there are people who come in and help with whatever you need help with including bringing in meals. My foster dad was temporarily put into an assisted living building but I found out he was signed up as a regular tenant and not assisted-living. I think someone was mistaken because someone was obviously bringing him food, I saw stuff in his fridge he would normally never buy for himself but usually brought that kind of stuff back for me from soup kitchens and stuff. This wasn't possible since he was in the hospital but someone was bringing him food every day because it was piling up in the fridge. This is how I know someone comes in and helps you where you need it, my foster dad was temporarily given an apartment before someone took it away within the week and put him into a nursing home despite the rent already being paid. 

As for your father-in-law accusing someone of theft, don't take this lightly, It happens to the elderly more often than you may realize. In fact, there was a POA living with my dad who ended up stealing from him and I'm dealing with the aftermath of it now since he died. If an elder suspects theft, please, take it seriously because more times than not, the elder is usually right. I strongly encourage you to do your homework on this one because it's more common than you may realize. Go onto YouTube and type in elder financial abuse and educate yourself about what really goes on behind our backs, it will definitely shock you. Another thing to look at is about abusive guardianships. Abusive probate guardianships are also more common than you think because they're actually predatory. There's a video out there in three parts titled, "how your elderly parents will become wards of the state". I strongly encourage you to educate yourself about the very high risk of someone else having access to your money and assets, this will really open your eyes and your jaw will probably drop wide open. After starting to deal with the after affects of elder financial abuse against my bio dad with Alzheimer's, I started doing my homework and finding out things I didn't otherwise no and I never would've otherwise known had it not been for what was uncovered after dad's death. If your father-in-law yells theft, immediately investigate very thoroughly because more times than not the elder is usually right if something that really does go missing. The trick is to find out why that something is missing because more times than not it turns out to be theft and usually by someone closest to you but not always 
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Quirky21,

I think you nailed it with your comment, "I think they are tired of his antics." They basically don't want to deal with him. However, if he is already demonstrating suspicious behavior, and from other things you have mentioned, assisted living may not be the right environment. I would speak with his physician for assistance with the decision. It may be rough having him at home for your family. Perhaps an adult family home environment could be considered?
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Go to local VFW and get your dad VA Aid&Attendance. He qualifies. Don't try to do it yourself.
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Memory care! It sounds like he needs to be in a locked facility for his own safety. In my state, you must be approved by a doctor for MC and they will give calming drugs to ease the transition.
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