Thank you for the information. Have they actually told you that he will have to leave? They cannot just kick him out without finding alternate care for him. Your husband has rights too. They have to give you sufficient time to find another facility. That aside, have they looked into his physical health as a cause for this meanness? A UTI can result in very aberrant behavior. Ask them to do a psychiatric evaluation. Maybe his meds need adjusting. As to his racist remarks. I remember once my mother being accused of racist remarks. The social worker at the NH said that they understand that some people were raised up in a different culture, hence the racist remarks and blah, blah, blah. I took offense at that because she was assuming something she had no right to. I told her my mother would never be intentionally ugly to someone unless she was off her meds or had a UTI. I insisted she get tested and sure enough, she had a UTI. She has been at this facility for over a year and this has not been an issue again.
So let me see if I understand, your husband, that has been diagnosed with dementia, is verbally rude to some of the black caregivers and nice to other black caregivers?
Have you seen this behavior 1st hand or is it the caregiver saying it was verbally abusive with no witnesses? I ask because I had surgery and while in the hospital I asked the nurses aid, who was a black woman, if i could get a basin of water to wash up, she brought those washcloth things, started pulling them out to clean around my incision and when I asked her to wash her hands or wear gloves, she made it about skin color. I was floored. I didn't know what she had been doing and I wasn't interested in getting an infection, I wouldn't have cared if she was purple, she wasn't protecting my health or complying with hygiene rules. Yet, for 3 days everytime I saw her, she loudly accused me of being prejudice. She should have been fired for not washing between rooms, not to mention verbal harrassment of a patient. It is unfortunate but not all claims of racism are directed at the racists. Some people make everything about color, when in reality they are the only ones that have an issue with skin color.
My point is, make sure what is actually taking place, don't let them use hearsay as cause to kick him out. Documented proof, witnesses that are disinterested 3rd parties, not coworkers that tend to cover for one another.
Perhaps that particular caregiver can have someone else care for your husband. There are other solutions to this kind of problem.
I really don't see, unless he is violent, that being mean and a bigot when u have Dementia, is grounds to ask someone to leave. If staff is that thin skinned, then they shouldn't be working in a NH. He can't be the only resident to make racial remarks.
When Mom was in a NH, one of the residents was using the F word and calling the aide a whore and some other not so nice things. I walked by, she said Hi to me and how pretty my top was and went right back to putting the aide down.
Like Joann said, he is of a different generation and making bigoted remarks to black staff members while not nice is hardly uncommon and probably happens frequently in nursing homes. The facility he's in knows this.
Meet with the powers that be and find out just how serious they are about asking him to leave. It might be a good idea to cozy up to the social worker at the facility too. The social worker can help the current situation but can also help if you have to take your dad somewhere else.
Verbal accusations. NH has not said violent. Verbally mean at times. Otherwise. Talked to other residents and staff cordially. He has vascular dementia. 76 yr old. (Neurologist evaluation).
If he has Dementia, then he has no filter and trained staff should recognize this. He is a product of a different generation. Mean, they should be able to handle mean. He can't be the first person to be mean. Now if he hits thats not good. But, there are meds for this. Yes, we don't want LOs doped up but we don't want them agitated either.
I agree, call a meeting, that is your right. Ask what can be done. Do they recommend medication. Be firm and tell them you cannot take him home.
If you have not had a Care Meeting with the staff and administrators of the facility, call one immediately. Don’t take “we’re too busy to meet until next month” for an answer.
Have you observed any of his behavior while visiting him? In personal experience and those of my friends who had or have loved ones in facilities, I’ve observed that facilities put up with a LOT. My mom’s Memory Care could be a nightmare. People setting off the alarm and trying to get out, people screaming “HELP ME!!!” all day, people becoming combative with others and the staff (my mom), people falling... They don’t tell a family the resident must leave unless they feel their staff’s and the other residents’ safety is in jeopardy. They also require support from the family—working together as a team. If they don’t feel the family is responding to these “warnings”, they ha e to take further, more drastic action. These directives seldom come out of the blue.
Does this come as a surprise to you or have you seen it coming? (Be honest, now) Have you gotten calls before about his acting out? If so, what did you do about it? Have you requested-he see the doctor for possible medication evaluation?
Call the social worker at the facility or the Director of Nursing and set up this Care Meeting right away. If you can bring someone with you for support, do so. My daughter came with me. Bring notes and take notes. Ask for their advice. Good luck and let us know.
Have you seen this behavior 1st hand or is it the caregiver saying it was verbally abusive with no witnesses? I ask because I had surgery and while in the hospital I asked the nurses aid, who was a black woman, if i could get a basin of water to wash up, she brought those washcloth things, started pulling them out to clean around my incision and when I asked her to wash her hands or wear gloves, she made it about skin color. I was floored. I didn't know what she had been doing and I wasn't interested in getting an infection, I wouldn't have cared if she was purple, she wasn't protecting my health or complying with hygiene rules. Yet, for 3 days everytime I saw her, she loudly accused me of being prejudice. She should have been fired for not washing between rooms, not to mention verbal harrassment of a patient. It is unfortunate but not all claims of racism are directed at the racists. Some people make everything about color, when in reality they are the only ones that have an issue with skin color.
My point is, make sure what is actually taking place, don't let them use hearsay as cause to kick him out. Documented proof, witnesses that are disinterested 3rd parties, not coworkers that tend to cover for one another.
Perhaps that particular caregiver can have someone else care for your husband. There are other solutions to this kind of problem.
When Mom was in a NH, one of the residents was using the F word and calling the aide a whore and some other not so nice things. I walked by, she said Hi to me and how pretty my top was and went right back to putting the aide down.
Meet with the powers that be and find out just how serious they are about asking him to leave. It might be a good idea to cozy up to the social worker at the facility too. The social worker can help the current situation but can also help if you have to take your dad somewhere else.
I agree, call a meeting, that is your right. Ask what can be done. Do they recommend medication. Be firm and tell them you cannot take him home.
Have you observed any of his behavior while visiting him? In personal experience and those of my friends who had or have loved ones in facilities, I’ve observed that facilities put up with a LOT. My mom’s Memory Care could be a nightmare. People setting off the alarm and trying to get out, people screaming “HELP ME!!!” all day, people becoming combative with others and the staff (my mom), people falling... They don’t tell a family the resident must leave unless they feel their staff’s and the other residents’ safety is in jeopardy. They also require support from the family—working together as a team. If they don’t feel the family is responding to these “warnings”, they ha e to take further, more drastic action. These directives seldom come out of the blue.
Does this come as a surprise to you or have you seen it coming? (Be honest, now) Have you gotten calls before about his acting out? If so, what did you do about it? Have you requested-he see the doctor for possible medication evaluation?
Call the social worker at the facility or the Director of Nursing and set up this Care Meeting right away. If you can bring someone with you for support, do so. My daughter came with me. Bring notes and take notes. Ask for their advice. Good luck and let us know.
How long has he been in the facility?
Specifically, what behavior does the facility object to?
Please give us some more details about your husband’s condition, and more details of in what way he is being mean or prejudiced. Is he violent?