Nursing home or not?

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Hi this is my first time actually asking a question but I do read alot of the forum. I am really going through some distressing issues about whether or not to place my parents in a nursing home or continue taking care of them at my home. My mom has CHF, COPD, diabetes and is legally blind. She is on Hospice and has been for about 2 years now. She is experiencing quite a bit of swelling (from water retention) and this morning she has blisters on her legs and is weeping. I am totally homebound and have been for a few years now and I am going crazy. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I do everything for both of them, all they do is sit in their chairs and watch TV. I am very conflicted and would like some input. thanks

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I am taking care of my mother who is 96. Often I feel very resentful too, like my life is ticking away. Your parents seem a lot worse off than my mother and there are two of them. I couldn't take it, I know. However, I know my mother would not even try to adapt to a nursing home and would probably last a month if I put her in one. How much help do you have? Normally I have three people that come in every week. I am divorced with no husband or other household members to help. I am going away for 11 days in May and someone will stay here 24/7. My mother pays for the help. Yes I feel guilty about it, but I do it anyway. It's a lot cheaper than a nursing home. If having more help doesn't cut it for you then by all means put them in a home. They will get more stimulation along with the pluses that others have mentioned. Enough is enough. I have no siblings. Yours should be helping you more. Go out for the entire day or half a day at least twice a week. The siblings should come over in the eve. so you and your husband can go out every week, just the two of you.
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Debby, I suggest looking at your situation of being housebound and going crazy with your parents like a social worker possibly would.

That might help bring some objectivity to the situation and make it easier for you to move your insights into action.

If you were your own social worker worker looking in at the dynamics from the outside objectively, what would you do?

Do it and then find somewhere in your Masters in Social Work training to write about it in a paper or talk about in class.
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debo - How are you doing? Have you found a facility? Good for you working on a Masters in Social Work. You will be a force to contend with.

Vent away - that belongs on any thread! (((((((((hugs))))))))
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Yes, it is time to find a nursing home. You have done far more than anyone could possibly expect and you have a right to your own life. Just choose the best place you can afford. Check on them regularly.

As for this comment left by someone: "Right! It is so amazing how they can sit back in their own homes and judge me." It is not surprising at all. I have relatives who do the same but they don't want to get involved. Ignore them. They are useless. If this is their attitude they are not going to help. It's not fair but that's the way it is.
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Debo I'd start calling the hospice group the morning they're to be there to confirm that someone is coming. That's terrible behavior on their part! :(
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I know from reading prior posts how siblings treat the person doing the caregiving. It is like we are beneath them. It makes me so angry that there are so many caregivers out there that are being taken advantage of and treated so disrespectfully. I swear, after I get my life back I am going to become an advocate for the caregivers and try to find ways to find help for those who need it. I am taking this period in my life to work on my master's in social work just for this purpose. Even my hospice organization let's me down. They tell me they will have someone come and give me a respite time and I get all ready and excited, plan the one to two hours they will be here (oh boy, I can actually go to lunch) and the time arrives, guess what nobody shows up. That's a whole different subject, sorry just had to vent. I guess I should have put that comment on the "my whine today" thread.
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Cmag, you are so right in the thinking about me. I am very insightful and I do realize why I am doing what I am doing. My one brother told me recently that he had gained respect for me since I had stepped up to take care of them, that I had a place in heaven. Really? You mean I didn't before? I have always been a kind and respectful person to those around me, and just because you didn't take the time to realize it doesn't make it so, the only one I tended to hurt was myself. I really don't care what my brothers think at this point, I just need to realize what is the best for my parents. I think that is the hardest realization to come to. They do not want to leave my home but I truly feel it would be best for everyone.

Countrymouse - Right! It is so amazing how they can sit back in their own homes and judge me. Don't help, don't call, just ignore me until I call to report something then tell me how I have a place in heaven for what I am doing. Don't they understand that I do not need their encouragement about where I will end up in the afterlife, I need help NOW. I have plans to not only tell them to go and whatever themselves but to also tell them if they don't like it they can bring their happy as... up here and get them and take care of things themselves. Thank you for your encouraging words.
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Just a thought to add, in case… If any of those wonderful brothers gives you grief over moving your parents, be ready to tell him sweetly to go and (whatever instruction you like to complete this phrase with) himself. It's astonishing how those who have yet to lift a finger consider themselves world authorities on the ethics of elder care; whereas the reality of your family's situation is that you are the authority on your parents' needs, having devoted so much to their later lives.

So be prepared, and then you won't get ambushed. Bet of luck, keep us updated.
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You have an amazing amount and depth of self-insight. I think your progress may well need a therapist at this point to help you get over the hill so to speak.

Pardon the analogy, but the guilt crap sounds so deep that it sounds like you just need to find some higher ground where you can step out of it and live on a new plane.

You are a good person. It sounds like you had some growing experiences which some of us have more than others, but we all make mistakes that we must learn from. I made a majority of my mistakes while I was in college as well as in graduate school and I've learned form them.

I've know some online whose goal was to love their elderly mom or dad into being the non abusive loving parent that they never were and did it work. No!

I'm sorry that you spent 14 years trying to prove that you are the good person that you are. A person who did not have a good heart would have never tried to be the caregiver that you have been.

Sounds like you have all the ingredients in place. Now to just find a good place and make it so like they say on Star Trek. I'm glad our responses have brought you the validation that you need and will continue to need. Please keep in touch and we will keep cheer leading you through this ordeal. If you make some mistakes and sort of backslide into the mire of the guilt again, remember that it is baby steps that will get you out of that stuff and back up on some higher solid ground. If and when you make a mistake, recognize it for what it is, learn from it, refuse to beat yourself up over it and move forward. The main thing is to maintain a focus on walking on a healthier path than has been true in the past.

Good luck!
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Freqflyer, I am trying to shovel the guilt but it is really hard after all these years. I was the black sheep of the family, the one who was rebellous and did things noone agreed with, therefore I truly think most of my caregiving has been out of a need to show I am a good person with a good heart. But, I should not have done that because it didn't work and I have now spent 14 years taking care of parents that would rather be with one of my "wonderful" brothers. Oh well, anyway, I will work with that shovel. Take care and thank you so much for the help.
Emjo, I have already been through the medicaid process in preparation for this time. So that is done and in effect, all I have to do is find a place I like and feel will take good care of them. I know what you are saying is right and I am so glad this forum is here because I truly feel I just needed some validation for my decision. Take care and thanks for helping me
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