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Mom has become too much for me to take care of at home. She has dementia, but is still somewhat with it. She is almost totally deaf, so communication is difficult. Most of the time, she does not understand what I am saying to her. She thinks I am yelling at her, when I am asking her if she needs help. She babbles to herself constantly, and it drives me nuts. She will repeat herself over and over all day long. Usually it's something like " I'm going to go out in the road, and it will be all over. That's what I'll do, Yes that's what I'll do". Other times she will repeat over and over, what a wonderful son she has. Recently she has started soiling herself. She won't let me help her clean herself, but she is not able to do it by herself. I have found her smeared in feces, because she doesn't realize what she is doing. She thinks she is cleaning herself, but she is making it worse. I myself have medical issues of my own, and it's just beginning to be too much for me. I am wondering does she need a nursing home or assisted living? I'm really not sure what the difference is. I had thought about at home help, but I just don't think it is practical, as she really needs someone 24/7. She still moves around with her walker, but is very unsteady. She also is disoriented very easily. She will go to the bathroom, and when she comes out she will think it's time to get undressed and go to bed. Sometimes its the other way around. It will be time for bed, and she will say, "but I just got out of bed!". I have spoken with her doctor, but they only suggested I get someone in a few hours a week. I really don't think that would work. When would I have them come? I've asked this here before, and someone told me to call Hospice and gave me a number. They told me they only take care of someone on the orders of a doctor. Also they said the doctor must say they have no more than three months to live. So that is not an option. They merely suggested I take her to a neurologist to see what is causing her dementia. I need help!

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I agree with Jeanne. I am caring for my husband, and when fecal incontinence becomes regular and problematic, I will definitely look for a good placement for him. Wiping his poopy butt day after day and year after year would eventually kill me.

I think assisted living would be extra expensive, with her bathroom issues. Maybe Memory care would suit her, if she's not bedridden. Otherwise, I would start investigating local nursing homes. Check with your local Area Agency on Aging for tons of information and help.

God bless us, every one.
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This sounds to me like a nursing home candidate, especially with the bathroom issues. You could discuss it with staff at an assisted living facility to see if she would qualify for their services, and in addition to talking to staff, observe the residents interacting with each, at dinner, etc. Would your mom fit it?

Many people (not everyone!) can provide assisted-living level care at home, with just a few hours of daily help. But it is extremely hard to provide the level of care of a nursing home in a private home.
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