Nursing home guilt or a real reason for concern?

jw, my heartfelt condolences to you on your mother's death. I am glad you were able to be with her when she passed. You consistently did your best for her. May you take comfort in that.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

JW, I'm so sorry to learn of your mother's passing, but glad that you were at least able to be with her to give her comfort.

I appreciate your sharing your experiences. I'm sure you've inspired many of us here to continue to be vigilant in dealing with nursing homes.

And I do hope you file a complaint against them if you feel up to tackling that - you may be able to save someone else from the ordeal you went through.

I've been at this a long time with my Mother and yes she needs to get out of there STAT! More harm will be done the longer you wait!

JW, I'm so sorry. I hope it will be some comfort to you that your experience will strengthen me next time I'm worried about being too pushy; but mainly I'm just so sorry that your mother wasn't better served by the people you entrusted with her care. And I hope that those who have some explaining to do find some humility and grace as they go about it. Your family is owed a proper response to searching questions.

START LOOKING for another facilty ASAP!!!

I feel your frustration. I had to retire early to take my Mother out of a nursing home for some of the same things you have stated. Bottom line, they did not take good care of Mother. I have had her home since April 26th and her edema has diminished 95%. Her legs and feet were so swollen I had to buy her slippers 2 sizes too big and double wide. Now her legs and feet are pretty normal and the slippers are too big. Her skin was dry and scaly, now it is clear and soft. Mother has dementia among other health issues. Having her home is extremely trying, but unless she gets too aggressive and/or physically ill that she needs 24 hour MEDICAL care I WILL NOT put her back in a home. I had Mother in three (3) different facilities and the last one which was a 5-star was the worst. The year Mother was in the NH made her overall well being and mental health WORSE to say the least.

Did you look into the history of nursing home you placed her in. You can go to department of health and find out if they had bad reviews. It will give you lots of information. Also ask many questions. Like how is staffing? Many places are under staffed most of the time. With both CNAs and Nurses. Talk to people who have family members there. Also speak and tell her doctor about what is going on. I am a CNA. I do not like what I see that goes on in places to work. I do my very best and try to cover the gaps when I am there. Staff is afraid to say much because their jobs hang in the balance. My advice is keep pushing. You do have the right to turn the nursing home in if you feel they are not doing their job. Don't hold back.

People, very sadly JW's mother is now beyond help. Please go to the end of any thread and check for developments before posting.

Directly put, NO this is not a case of nursing home guilt. Perhaps a case of shock and dismay at the way some institutions treat the elderly. In particular those who are FOR PROFIT. I would most certainly look at other possibilities particularly those with a 5 start rating as listed on Med.gov. The answer given by Torie J is great for a short term solution. If you want them to know you are serious, have a legal document prepared indicating that in the event of your mother's death her remains are to be sent immediately to the county coroner. You can have specifics such as the blood levels of her medications and the state of dehydration observed.included. Send the document to the head of the corporation, assuming this is a FOR PROFIT institution with a copy to the Nursing Home director. Of course you do not have to actually move forward with the autopsy and can change things at a later date. But this will get the attention of people who appear to have the best interests of the patient in mind, rather, they are leaders in a for profit organization. As indicated by the other contributors remain friendly and cooperative with direct care givers in general they do the best they can and are over worked and underpaid. One contributor mentioned the Ombudsman, this is a good source usually, but in my case I learned that the Ombudsman attended the same church as the Nursing Home Director and had know her for fifteen years. It is hard to be objective with this kind of relationship.
I would contact the Area Center for Aging or other state institution, they will want specifics such as how do you know her meds were late or that she did not receive hydration so be ready with times and dates. This will also get the attention of the profiteers, an investigator will be sent to review the complaint and a report placed on file. Request the medical records, even if you don't understand all the information, this is another signal you are a concerned advocate. I know this may be so stressful for you and that my advice is "hard nosed". You have my sincere regrets for your situation, my words are directed towards helping you to gain the dignity, respect and care level your mother and all elderly residents are entitled to receive. Finally, if we were talking about a child in a day care center not receiving their ADHD meds on time or given fluids, I'm sure more concern and public engagement would be heard. Both the young and the elderly should be given our greatest concern and protection.

According to Jean Gibbs, your mom passed away - if so I'm so sorry to hear that...

My sister and I made a decision a few weeks ago to place my dad in a Home, but apart from feeling some guilt, we know he will not do well. He fears having to go and when he spent a night in hospital, they had him strapped to the bed as he went absolutely crazy. It is indeed very worrying, and we are still scouting for a good affordable home. Problem is we are running low on steam and its a no-win situation at the moment. He will not do well and the Homes we like, do not accommodate dementia patients. Nothing worse, when one deals with guilt coupled with the fact that she MAY not be treated well. I would question them. All the best.

I can tell you from experience that nursing homes do not always take care of the patients my father was in one for a year before he passed I went and onceand he have been on a bed pan for over an hour so I moved him out of that nursin so I moved him out of that nursing home I st so they never knew when I wa so they never knew when I was coming and that works good luck to you I know it my 88 year old mom has dementi my 88 year old mom has dementia now I know the day will com and I hate it god bless yo god bless you all

Please sue them!

Very Sorry for your loss:0(

There are many issues being raised by the above discussions. As a person who once had to place my own father in a nursing home, here are some observations from my experience.

1. A nursing home is NOT a hospital. Many persons do not understand this. The level of care is never going to equal that found in a hospital.
2. Most people go into a nursing home to die there. This is a reality. That's partly why the former term was a "rest home." They are not there to have a good time.
3. All nursing home patients need somebody to be their advocate and stop by at least once a week to monitor things. Sometimes it is necessary to "raise hell" with the nurse manager and drag him/her into the client's room to make them see what YOU are seeing. Take photographs, if necessary, and put things in writing.
4. In the case of the woman in question in the story, it's possible that she has simply moved into the next stage of Alzheimer's and some of the changes are more related to this. For example, people get to a stage where they "forget" to eat or drink. If a person's thirst mechanism does not instill the desire to get a drink of water from the sink, then they will become dehydrated.
5. In most states, nursing homes are very heavily regulated - right down to the nutritional requirements of the meals served. They are not allowed to serve excessively salty or fatty foods and all meals must contain certain percentages of protein & carbs. At the home in question, it is probably the fault of the cook who is too heavy-handed with the salt.
6. Despite being heavily regulated, most nursing homes will try to find ways to cut corners to save money and thereby hire fewer staff persons. Unfortunately, it's the clients who suffer.

Before I put my father in a NH, I "shopped around" to find the place that gave the best care. It was a Mennonite-run facility that was impeccably clean and the staff was very caring. The clients were always well-groomed and freshly bathed. The quality of the food in the dining room was excellent & healthy - I even had a few meals there. It was also a lot less expensive than most of the other facilities I saw, in part, because it was located in a rural county 2 hours away from the nearest moderately large city. Think outside the box....and find a better facility. It sounds like the place being discussed in this article provides sub-standard care for its residents.

To the posters who haven't read all the posts..JW's mother passed 3 days ago. Finding another facility is a moot issue.

JW I am so sorry for your loss. You and your Mom's experience and sharing it here will be very helpful to others in similar situations. Bless you and your mum.

I would consult an expert or an elder advocate to come into the facility with you to assess the care your mom is receiving, at least until she adjusts. You must get her into another facility, if your advocate feels that the care is not going to improve.

Jack Halpern, CEO
My Elder Advocate

All of the above reasons are valid regarding nursing homes in general. Don't put your parents in a general nursing home because it is convenient or cheap