If my dad went into a nursing home would they consider both daughters needs for him? - AgingCare.com

If my dad went into a nursing home would they consider both daughters needs for him?

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My sister is 3 years older than me. My father is 94, deaf, blind and has arthritis in knees. He can just about cook for himself, dress. My elder sister 65 has taken control and wants to do everything herself. I am 62 have taken dad to lots of hospital appointments but my sister wants dad to go to nursing home near to herself and I have explained that it needs to be near to both of us. My husband is recovering from tumour removed from pancreatris and also hernia in same area. I also help dad, cut his hair, finger nails, sort his medication out every week, she does his shopping and fortnightly wash his sheets. When dad has gone to hospital she has told me the last minute or not at all. Social Worker said he wants to cook for himself and doesnt want to go into home. He wants to live with one of us. I have told him I cannot look after him because of my husbands illness. My sister doesnt want to have him live with her because when my mother died in 1982 he stayed with her for 6 weeks (he was 65) nearly split her marriage up. I am very tired of the situation and know that dad will do anything she says. Can you help. On forms she always put elder daughter when information required because she doesn't want me to be recognised as being daughter.

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Does your older sister have the Power Of Attorney? If no one has this document, you should have as much to say about your dad as she does.
You may have to accept that he will need to live in a facility whether or not he wants to - at least eventually. Since it doesn't work for him to live with either of you, which is often the case, you two will have to find somewhere near one of you for him. It's a hard choice, but he needs someone to visit him.
Compromise of some type is needed, and your sister should have you down on the forms as a person to contact and for input. It's not fair to leave you off. I'm sure you've tried talking to her, but try again. Maybe a mutual friend can intervene on your behalf?
You do have your plate full, so please don't take on more than you can handle for your own health. If your sister does a good job of watching over your dad, maybe he needs to be in a care home near her and you and your husband can visit when you are able. Don't let guilt interfere with what your dad needs. You have done a lot and will continue to do what you can.
Take care of yourself and your husband, too.
Carol
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What if you start researching homes between you and her, so you can present some options, rather than waiting for her to do it? That way you introduce yourself as a caregiver, have input into the situation, and aren't only responding to her moves.
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Did you two have a lot of conflict as you were growing up?
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I agree with NancyH. Reading between the lines here, it sounds the main issue is a sibling one. Simply explain to your sister that you will be less able to help with his care (and there will still be plenty) if the NH is far from your house. Period. Don't involve the history of your relationship and who does more for dad, who's the mean sister, who dad loves best, yada, yada, yada. If, once he's in the home, the care will need to be shared, place dad in the geographic middle. If not, your sister gets the brunt of his care and you visit as you can. You can't make your sister the sister you want her to be, just like she can't make you the sister she wants you to be. Get over it, you're grown-ups.
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Underdog, it seems like you and your sister are fighting over possession of your dad, but neither want to take THAT much possession by having him come to live with either one. You both should be grateful that there are two of you that are willing to take on responsibility in the first place. What if you didn't have her help? What if she didn't have yours? Now that would be a whole different thing wouldn't it? So be happy that you have each other. Now it's time to sit down with your sister and talk this over. She may think she wants to be in charge, but if she didn't have your help too, it would be tiring and drag her down eventually. So, you need each other and need to start working together in finding an asst living or adult foster care place for dad somewhere between both of you. Enough of this 'I'm the boss of you' stuff, that's for kids.
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good comments-but very often there are so many old tapes playing in our head
-each person has their own perception of the past and present-
that it becomes almost impossible to put those feelings aside and focus on your
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your dad-(sorry about that-pressed submit before i finished)well, i guess im finished-
1 more thing-try not to let this eat u up- because it can-maybe,if u can,think about what would be best for u-for dad-and your sister-pick your battles-
what is possible-what isnt-
what can u overlook? issues like these sometimes help to give me a better perspective-but regardless,it is a hard and life changing time of life.
i am 62,brother is 7 yrs younger, and has taken over-POA changed,cant get info from lawyer, and the nh he put he in, is 4 hours from me-and isnt eager to tell me anything but- oh she is fine-so
i send u hugs and patience and love-
we r stronger than we think-
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I wish that there was some way your dad could be with one of you. Maybe you could share him. One month here....one month there. It's tough getting old. I guess assisted living would be the next best thing. Soooooo much better than a nursing home. I would try to avoid them if possible. How about the four of you sit down and discuss options? Involve your spouses in the decision-making process. That's what I would do.
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I had a very bad experience with assisted living & probate court.The Osceola County probate court tried to declare my mom incompetent.I fought them & won,ruling her as limited capacity.They ignored my living will & denied me access to her medical records.She recently passed & they are now denying me access to her medical records.Be sure your family knows what the documents say & have copies.
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