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Xian… I don't know what to say. WOW. I read your second question about the feeding tube thing and thought you were right to keep to your decision to refuse to be the NH's contact; but I hadn't read Volume I so didn't realise the full extent of the nightmare. Oh. My. God.

You are pregnant and the pregnancy is heavy going because of all this - I'm sorry, I have to use the correct English word here - BOLLOCKS. Not Fair.

But anyway, so you are pregnant. You have two young children. You have a husband who, while more than happy to do his share, Q.E.D., would presumably appreciate a bit of mutual support in his marriage and also has a demanding job which I imagine requires the family to relocate at regular 2 or 3 yearly intervals (making it, by the way, out of the question for you to bring your mother into your household even as a satellite - she needs continuity of care, her welfare would suffer). What in heaven's name can make anybody think it is in any way reasonable for you to be the one who also does all the donkey work for your mother and her family?

I wouldn't teach this to your little ones, but learn and enjoy the following gesture. Raise the middle finger of your right hand. Pointing down with your left index finger, describe a circle around said middle finger. So doing, instruct any bullies who are currently giving you a hard time to "sit on this and spin."

I don't know how you can do this, but you need somehow to detach completely from your mother - and possibly the rest of her family too - for a period of time that you can estimate better than I can. Five years, ten years, whatever.

If you can somehow manage this, it may actually save any vestiges of love between you and your mother; prevent irrevocable estrangement from your siblings (okay you might relish that prospect now - and at the time of writing I happen to share the sentiment as regards my own siblings - but in a decade? Who knows?); and also prevent your feelings towards mankind in general becoming permanently scarred.

You've put up with all this until your tether has actually snapped BECAUSE you are a good daughter and you do - or did, I can imagine it's hard to remember at the moment - love your mother. You care about your family's opinion of you. You would like to be respected as a caring and considerate person by outsiders (like fat-headed nurses who have no idea of what they're talking about). All of these are entirely natural aspirations. You are a completely normal individual, with normal emotions.

The bit that is not normal is the mountain of poo being shovelled at you by others. If you continue to try to handle it, then things that we'd all normally shrug off, like a nurse getting completely out of her tree and feeling the need to teach us our filial duty, get out of proportion because they're added to the weight of pressure piling up on you.

Nurses, receptionists and administrators, doctors - outsiders, that is to say - say silly things all the time. My favourite was the senior ward nurse who saw scars on the wrists of a teenager, demanded an explanation, and on getting it blurted out: "You did this to yourself? Are you crazy?!" I'm ashamed to say I squealed with laughter and so got caught bang to rights eavesdropping. But you have to wonder, how did that nurse come to be nursing adolescents if she was that hysterically insensitive?

And how does a nurse who works in a nursing home still manage to be that lacking in imagination, understanding or sympathy for patients' relatives?

Screen phone calls and don't answer the nursing home's. I suppose, if you felt so inclined, you could request that they put any sit. reps. in writing and mail them to you, for information only. Might there be any mileage, maybe, in asking your own doctor to liaise with your mother's personal doctor and explain to the latter that you are not to be subjected to any further harassment?

Look, you're a good daughter. Your mother is having a rough time, life is being unkind to her (n.b. life. Not you), it's hard to be sweet in her situation, and if you had absolutely nothing else on your plate I'm sure you'd be sitting by her bedside peeling grapes. But there we are: you do have other things on your plate, rather a full helping as it happens; and although she remains important to you there is no room for her on your priority list.

With a bit of luck you'll have scared the nurses away, for the time being at least. Good for you! Nothing terrible will happen to your mother if you (mentally, I mean; I'm not suggesting…) put her on ice for the duration. Your family can think and say what they like, because you will have your fingers in your ears and your mind on higher things. Time will pass. Before you know it your lovely new baby will be toddling, then in school, your older children with luck will meet nice older people who don't repel them and will discover that not all grannies are to be avoided, and you will be busy being a great wife and mother in a family that has your full attention. Later, perhaps, as leisure and inclination allow, in due course you can revive other relationships in more favourable circumstances; at which time they might have a better chance of success. Hold tight. It'll be worth it.

One other thought. You mention above that previously (before you knew better, would you say?) you "caved in" and were "taking care of everything…" I'm uncomfortably reminded of women who return time and again to their abusive partners. The giving in is a hard thing to resist. You make sure you do damn well resist: you'll be glad you did.

Come on. Drop everything that involves fighting, causes you anger and hurts you. This is not the time to deal with them. Good luck, and I wish you restful sleep and an easy, timely labour. xxx
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As for the feeding tube. I would never approve unless there's a possibility my loved one would get better and have a good life. What's the point of it if they'll be miserable anyway, and have no quality of life..
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Alys - you have done the right thing by backing off, and looking after yourself and your baby. Obviously, that nurse was way out of line. Try to let it go as her bad judgement - nothing bad you have done. Your mum is fine and being looked after. My position is like yours - they are paid to do a job, I think keeping family informed of major events is part of it, but not of minor daily vagaries. I understand you being mad at the nursing home. Absolutely, keep your boundaries. You are doing well. Keep looking after you and don't take on anything. (((((((((((hugs)))))))
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For the record: I don't mind hearing about her condition at all, I like to be informed. However, when it comes to medical decisions (without even speaking to a doctor?) or doing the nursing home's job for them - not my job. I'm unsure why this woman called me all nasty, when in reality, the doctor even told me my mother was the SAME as she has always been.

I just don't understand why they won't do their jobs and have to make up lies or try to attack me! Seriously, this nursing home has been making ME do all THEIR work for them! It's insane and when I most recently drew the line - I meant it.

PS. My mother is not depressed and is eating correctly. She has been sleeping during the day a lot more recently and nothing is wrong with her. Not really sure what the nurse wanted me to do, as everyone ELSE there says my mom is eating/fine.
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It turned out that my mother didn't even NEED a feeding tube. This nurse called me after only ONE day of my mom "eating very little", and was dramatizing it way over the top by saying she hadn't of eaten in three weeks. My sister complained to the social worker (who is fantastic), who informed us that the nurse was pretty much nuts and my mother IS eating.

I can no longer ask my mother about how she wants to be treated, etc. She has early on-set dementia due to her stroke several years ago. She is nowhere close to the end of her life. There is specific instructions in her file regarding her care, but no one ever seems to adhere to them...and they call me! (Yes, it says she can have a feeding tube if she hasn't been eating. However, full on life support is a no go. Everything else is acceptable. Just NOT keeping her alive with machines while she is brain dead, basically)

I have already written a letter (on day one of her being admitted), absolving me of ANY responsibility of my mother. I later caved in, and was taking care of everything from setting up appointments to making sure she was AT those appointments (even though this was the nursing home's job). I pretty much handled everything that the nursing home should have, except physically feeding her and changing her. I told them I didn't want to do this, but that didn't stop them from trying to MAKE me do it (otherwise it never got done, I was guilted, etc etc).

Oct 30th at the care conference I reiterated that I wanted NOTHING to do with her except to make an occasional phone call after I move. That it was time they started taking care of her like a nursing home should, and not to call me about her hallucinations or anything else going on. (I am going to copy my original letter and bring it in again for them to see.)

This is not the first time they have called me and made a bigger deal out of nothing.

I am unhappy with how the conversation went, and unhappy with how the nurse lied to me about my mom's REAL condition. That woman could have just called me to inform me about her condition, but instead it was a lecture about how I *NEED* to take care of her in ALL aspects. As soon as she started lecturing, that's when I lost it on her.

I'm pretty sure I told her to suck it up and do her job. That's why they get paid. Not so that they can call me about random BS and try to make me handle it FOR them. Man...I'm still angry.
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If that's how you feel, and I understand how you are placed, then you were right to say so. You cannot be obliged to take, and should not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into taking, care of your parent.

So, more power to you. Having said that, I don't think you can be surprised that the nursing home is surprised by your firmness - so many people do give in, whether with good or bad grace. But that's up to them.

On balance, I suppose my personal conclusion is that you should stick to your guns. You seem to be very clear about your choice, and it is yours to make. Focus on your baby. God bless x
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There is usually a public guardian or trustee in each state/province who will take over making decisions for an elderly person if there is no relative able and willing to do it. If I were you, I would write a letter to your Mom's doctor, lawyer, and the nursing home, officially resigning from any decision-making or responsibility for your mother because of your own fragile health. Period, end of discussion. Then, don't take calls from the nursing home. Have your husband listen to messages and let him be the cushion who can reinforce your intent. Stay in bed and listen to soothing music and feel your baby grow! Dont allow anyone to make you feel guilty.
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You are in no condition to be going anywhere let alone taking pictures of wheelchairs. Someone - not you needs to talk to your mother about her wishes. A feeding tube is a grey area as far as life support is concerned it is not as serious as being intubated. You could discus this on the phone with Mom if she is able. If she is generally failing and can't or won't eat using a feeding tube will only cause her distress. if there is a reason why she is unable to swallow that is a different story and would be helpful.Can you tell us exactly what her physical and mental state is. I realize you do not have medical training or knowledge and are not prepared to make such decisions but whoever is the POA ultimately does have to give permission for these procedures based on Mom's known wishes. if a loved one is clearly at the end of their life even if you do use a feedng tube the digestive process will slow down and ultimately stop.
I agree with getnstrong, that these kinds of interactions should not occur but unfortunately they do often the result of misunderstandings. maybe the nurse was not aware of the critical state of your pregnancy and felt as the child closest at hand you should be prepared to be more involved until Mom is transferred. by all means make a complaint to the nursing supervisor but don't judge the whole staff because one nurse was insensitive and bullying.
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Cannot believe that a nurse would be allowed to speak to you like that!! She should be reprimanded at least. Did you report this incident to the administrator.
No adult is responsible for their parents financially. Not from their own money anyway. Someone may have to be responsible to see that they have the info they need to get her Medicaid, or to actually pay the bills if she has any money, but please don't feel that you are responsible for anyone but your own bills and your children's while they are underage. Getting her relocated sounds like an excellent idea.
Please put yourself first. This is hard to do if you are the caretaking type by nature, but your mother has lived her life. Give your baby the chance to do the same.
I'm retired NHA, and I seethe when I read stuff like this.
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I have a POA and so does my brother (who hasn't been involved since her original relocation here, but did get involved about a week ago). When she was installed into the nursing home, I filled out a piece of paper stating that every type of care was acceptable EXCEPT life support (my mom's decision). She does have a health directive in her file at the nursing home, and here at my house in my own files. However, I am not a doctor and it's really not my call if she needs a feeding tube or not. It also turns out she didn't even need one, so that woman calling me was just being a jerk!

My sister did wind up calling the nursing home after I reamed that nurse (they were really nice to her, thinking it was me lol). It turns out the problem wasn't as dire as the nurse was trying to make it seem. The social worker talked to my sister and said that while my mom wasn't eating and sleeping as much, it had nothing to do with my relocation. In fact, my mother hadn't eaten that day ONLY. So, no feeding tube nor phone call required at all. (My sister thinks it was a scare tactic to get me to accept responsibility again. If it wasn't a scare tactic, my mom has been sleeping a lot more for over THREE weeks - long before my mother was even accidentally informed.)

I also told the nursing home, had them sign, my mother sign, and I sign a piece of paper absolving me of ALL responsibility involving my mother (I wanted to just be able to physically visit her without having to handle ANY of her care). Yet, for some reason, they never listened to that original paper. I still have the original at my house, and they have a copy in their files.

My mother does have medicaid/medicare. The nursing home immediately started taking over financial responsibility, but I guess they are trying to make sure I am in charge of her physical care? I'm fighting this, as I don't feel I should be in charge of her care at all..since she's in a nursing home, and that's THEIR job!

Funny how they are more then willing to get the money side done, but not the actual physically caring for her done. It's amazing how much they are dragging their feet and causing a stink over my stepping out of the situation....and it's not even my siblings doing it!!

On a side note: My sister and brother have surprisingly worked really hard to get my mom relocated. They are scheduling plane ticket/s for January. My brother has put in $500 to relocate her. All I am supposed to do is go to the nursing home and take a picture of her wheelchair to make sure it can go onto a plane. Phew. It's JUST the nursing home I am having an issue with at the moment.
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You don't mention if you or sibs have POA, If not, did your mother have a health directive regarding feeding tubes or extreme measures to keep her living? Tell the nursing home you insist to speak to the Ombudsmen. /tell this person what is going on with you..don't hold anything back. Please do this ASAP and continue to get bed rest for you and your baby. Keep us informed!!
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You have explained the situation to the nursing home. It is not your problem that they choose not to understand the situation. Make sure they have the phone numbers for your siblings. Screen calls. Ideally let your husband deal with them, if that is possible. You stay in bed and take care of that baby!
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If I recall correctly, you have other siblings. Let THEM deal with your mom and her feeding tube. You've done more than your fair share. You're done. Stick to your guns and take care of yourself and your baby and husband and other children. Do NOT let them guilt you into assuming responsibility again. Please keep us posted.
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Your mum is in a safe place for now. You have a baby inside of you who is at extreme risk of loosing it's life and compromising yours. It is clear where your responsibilities lie and that is the plate you have to step up to. Take care of yourself and baby.
if your mother is on Medicaid and has no other funds the N/h should help her apply for Medicaid which will cover her dental expences.
I would talk directly with the dr about the need for a feeding tube. there may be other issues going on that are making her refuse to eat. This is a crisis that is not going to be solved overnight so till after the baby relax and concentrate on that. I would also send a letter to the N/H. telling them that you can no longer be held responsible for your mothers expenses
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