My horrible nephews put my sister into a nursing home, they live 1,000 miles away, I take care of my elderly mother who needs 24 hour supervision and attention so I cannot, sadly, care for 2 ill people, if I could I would. I had begged my nephews not to put their Mom away and instead come here and we could all take turns caring for her and my mother, I obviously would still care constantly for my mother, but on occasion I could care for my sister as well as long as they did most of the caring or whatever they could do to help her. They flat out refused. I told my useless nephew, the one who made all the major decisions that if he put his Mother ( my sister) away she would deteriorate, the narcissistic oaf said, "Not necessarily." and has she ever deteriorated, she can no longer walk, nor feed herself, nor bathe herself, nor dress herself, I call a lot and she barely says one full sentence. She cries on occasions, My heart is broken for her. And she is NOT old, she is by far the youngest resident there ( the nurses all have told me that). But I feel like she has been sent there to die. I care for my mother and it is so hard, but it is the right thing to do, I am young, healthy and able, my nephews are both even younger than me, the jackass , the one who made the decision to put her away is a lazy no job holding ass , I feel he loved that he had some power in life by making every decision about his mother, and every decision was the worst possible and most selfish ones, He and his brother inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars ( from their late Dad's Mom who btw they never did anything for, they never bought her gifts even though she sent them 500 and 1,000 on birthdays and Christmas ( can you imagine their greediness and selfishness?) It is sickening to think they have all that money when they did ZILCH to deserve other than share their Grandma's DNA that's it!. The least those two selfish swine could do is pay to get my sister physical therapy so she will walk again, get a great nutritionist to feed her the healthiest meals, rent a handicapped/wheelchair accessible van and just get her out of there once a week, ( I asked 1 of the nurses if she can leave the grounds she said yes, it would do her a world of good , but she would have to be in some kind of vehicle that a wheelchair could easily get in and out of), but nope those two unfeeling slobs do nothing, they ohhh wow visit her maybe twice a week for wow maybe an hour a visit, but they do nothing otherwise. But I cry thinking that my horrible nephews sent her there to die, obviously she is going to die there among tons of other sick people and strangers, no matter how nice that staff there is they are not her family who knew her so many years like my dirtbag nephews and shared life experiences with her. I read of Belle who wrote way back wishing her mother was dead, see for my nephews I wish the hell and sadness they put my sister through, and the added stress and sadness I have as a result they get tenfold. It is so sad to see how quickly my poor sister deteriorated simply because two selfish curs ( mutts!) have no desire to give her the freedom and love she gave them. She should had aborted them! I wonder will they care when she dies all alone in that cold nursing home?
It sounds like the mother had major issues. I had a friend who loved getting high, but as soon as she found out she was pregnant she stopped all pot, coke, drinking, even cigs. Your granddaughter's mother sounds like she was severely messed up and majorly addicted.At least she did not have AIDS, right? Imagine an innocent child being infected with that,
Oh i know life is not beautiful all the time, I know others have it very bad, my heart breaks for them,. But personally going through tough trials is not easy and it is stressful and can be heartbreaking as well, just as you know.This life here sure is not for the weak.
It helps us all to receive some inspiration.Even though my case is full, so are others. This summer I am dealing with my granddaughter who has been cutting herself and was put in a mental hospital for two weeks.Self mutilation is a way of expressing the anger, agitation and pain she is facing. She is Attention Deficit as well as Oppositional Deficit. She'll be 14 in a month. My son and daughter-in-law adopted her as a new born. The biological mother was on all kinds of drugs during her pregnancy, and most of the problems stem from that. It is such a shame that a mother can ruin her child's life in such a horrible way.
Life doesn't always turn out to be peaches and cream. But we all can be blessed in many ways just the same. Hang in there..marymember
I care for you, and I feel you are truly overwrought. I wish I could win the lottery and send you the money. You need care for yourself, and appreciation for the love in your heart for your sister and mother. marymember
I'm there frequently to take her treats and ensure she has all she needs. There are 60 residents but each time I visit there may be just one car in the visitor parking. Perhaps families live far away, maybe there is no family or perhaps working full time, raising children, helping with grandchildren, who knows. I do know there are one or two residents who totally refuse visitors.
To try to help your sister from so far away is virtually impossible and, as you haven't seen her for 2 years, I feel that the only way to really assess her condition and care is if you could possibly manage to visit for a couple of days and see for yourself. Good luck!
I will ask my bro in law to write up the letter. And actually i am on the list of who the drs and nurses can discuss medical issues with, my other sis told my nephew to put her, me, our brother and her husband on that list. I have called and when speaking to new nurses they have told me they could not discuss things with me, so I have told them I am on the list of people who can learn of and talk about my sister's condition and they look on the list, find my name, apologize and then allow me to ask questions which they answer. Oh and unbelievably my nephew, the doofus, put that mentally ill neighbor who is a hoarder on the list, my sister hated that woman, so that is pretty awful that that slob gets info on my sister, she no way should be privy to that, and that is yet another slap in the face to my poor sister.
But as that I am on the list that nursing home dr can definitely discuss medical issues concerning my sister with me.She chose not to call me back, I chose not to call for fear if she feels I am pestering her she will take it out on my sister. My other sis also told me the jerk nephew told her he never gets to talk to the dr he only talks to her when she wants to talk to him, uhh what kind of facility is that?
Support people?Are you for real? Where is the support??? Either there are people on here who BS they are caregivers and come on here to harass and harangue true caregivers ( which in my book is pure evil), or some of you people have zero idea of what supporting others means. Do not cast stones at me, i do not go on people's posts and annoy them, I offer them support, but obviously hoping to get it from strangers here is a waste of time.
And i do hope all who defend my nephews end up having sons or husbands or friends just like them, you deserve it. And i hope when someone you love , if you are even capable of that, is put away and it breaks your heart I hope others act just like you all did here.
I thought this was a site devoted to caregivers, a place to release and find others in the same boat and a place to feel some peace and positive vibes when times are tough. I have repeatedly seen people on here be very rude, accusatory, condescending, and insulting when responding to me and others on here. I feel the need to lash out at them since who are they to pull that BS here?
Can you give these nitwits a place where they can be as rude and nasty to each other as they feel, and allow us caregivers a place to freely state our thoughts, rants etc without morons being judgmental? You are allowing his site to disintegrate into a place where people do not want to come and reveal their feelings and opinions and you are allowing a handful of bullies and social misfits to make this site stressful and venomous.
Well! My sister and I gazed at her in astonishment. "Er, yes? Obviously?" we said. The manager smiled and said softly: "you would be surprised. Some families prefer not to be disturbed at inconvenient times."
I know this is hard for you to hear, but in visiting their mother at all your nephews are doing more than many family members bother with. We live in a sad, unkind world.
I'm glad that you are planning to draft a letter for your sister's doctor, and hope it will be helpful. If your brother-in-law is a doctor, do either ask him to write on your behalf or, if he isn't able to do that, copy him in to any letter you send. Professional courtesy can make quite a difference.
Finally, don't be downcast or surprised that the NH doctor didn't return your call. She was probably avoiding you for fear that you would ask her questions she couldn't answer: don't forget that she cannot, really cannot, tell you anything medical about your sister because of confidentiality rules. She's not just making excuses.
Best of luck, and please most of all promise to take care of yourself now. You really have gone above and beyond. Big hug.
What money do i have? .It costs 134 dollars a month for tv/internet and phone. And the lottery uhh dear how much do you think they cost?
But you know what are the typical online loser Skakingdust, you are rude, you are nasty, you yourself have mental issues yet cast aspersions on others.You are so ignorant that i pity you. I know people like you online have no friends, strangers offline do not give you any extra attention. People do not hug you when they see you, nor tell you how much they like and/or love you. You are the social misfits and outcasts in life. you cannot muster up sympathy for others because no one ever sympathizes with you, ergo you feel a need to be boorish,nasty, accusatory to strangers online. I understand why you act like you do online, because your life sucks and you are pretty pathetic.I pity you i do.and yet I despise you as well and I thank God I do not meet nor know people in my offline life like you and your kind. Ugh that would be the ultimate worst if I had to encounter people like you. and see you are the reason so many people tell me they never waste their time going online, they always say there are too many nut jobs and losers on line and reading your crap proves them right!
And funny how three months prior to his putting my sis away, when they were both here and he saw how my mother was and he asked is she always like that, i said yers most of the time, he said quote "And I thought I had it bad!" Hmmm so he saw my caring for my mother tougher than his caring for his mother, yet he decided to put her away, not hire aides to help out, not take her to get her meds checked out, not get her an MRI???
He is lazy, selfish, a narcissist. And you know nothing about him, yet you are concerned that I call him names? HAH! Really, who do you think you are? Do you tell others what they can and can't do? And do you think I and others are going to listen to you? For real? Uh no way! I will call them every slur and insult in the book whenever I want to. You know nothing about those 2 idiots, yet awwww it offends you I call them names. Awwwww that is so sad for you. They are piles of dogs doo, they are useless, they are wastes of DNA, they are immoral sloths!!!! They have decided they can only visit my sis once a week to every two weeks, they are SWINES!!!!! The one blubbery full of himself nephew who had the power to put her away, that a hole has no job, no wife, no children, and according to my other sis a brand new car, so he has NO excuse to not see her every single day. Look lady you want to defend two morons like them, go for it. No one I know in person, not even strangers i meet face to face, not one tells me to stop calling my useless nephews names. EVERYONE shakes their head in disgust when I mention how they put her away, rarely visit her, do nothing to get her the medical care she needs. No one feels sorry for them. NO ONE! One guy i know said he would love to punch them right in their faces The only reason i can think of why you would not want me calling them names is that you are created of the same immoral, insensitive and narcissistic fabric they are made of. But wow lady who do you think you are to tell me what to do? Haha live on in lala land you are nothing to me, so you are not going to dictate what words I can use. And keep on defending slimeballs like my nephews, perhaps your family will treat you like they treat their Mom, hmm i bet then you would be whistling a whole different tune!
. Now I know my other sister's husband, he is a dr, but he knows many doctors in different fields and he consulted with a neurologist who looked over my sis's medications, that bro in law and my other sis had also visited my sister while she was in this last nursing home, so he also mentioned her highly confused state and total apathy. That neurologist wrote up recommendations on which meds should be stopped and which dosages should be altered, but nothing was ever done, so either my moronic nephew never gave that letter to the dr, or the dr ignored the advice. This is so frustrating, I totally know my sis would improve if the right steps would be taken.
But like i wrote I will write a detailed letter to that dr, and i hope she will actually read it and help my sister. I may even ask my other sister to write it up , perhaps she knows how to be more persuasive to a physician, and/or maybe she can even ask her husband to write it.
Oh and I do not push my nephews, I have not spoken to, or had any contact with them since they put my sister away 2 years ago,.I do ask my other sister to contact them, but that is so sporadic and rare, after seeing they ignored the neurologist's advice I could see they are imbeciles who only care about themselves. I did ask my other sister this week, in an e-mail to please tell the idiots about the sleep apnea and that is has to be treated, She has not written me back, so I d not know if she has done anything. With that sister she gets upset about my sis, as well as my mother's illness, so I try not to discuss too much with her. But I know my nephews respect her and might heed her advice, but I think back to the neurologist's recommendations. And with my ill sister I don't really push her, I just call her and do all the talking, telling her i love her etc and I do tell her she has got to try to get better and needs to fight this thing. I try to boost her spirits by telling her little stories about people i know ( friends and neighbors) and telling her so many people I actually know, as well as strangers always say they are praying for her ( often they say they are praying for me too, but i tell them my sis and Mom need the prayers more than me) and I also try to get my sister to laugh, which on some rare occasions I succeed.
But see with my sis, she is 14 years older than me and I always saw her as a second mother, I cannot just let it go, I feel I am failing her, I feel like I am being like her sons. My heart breaks that she is in a nursing home. She let those two asses leech off of her for years, yet this is her reward, it's awful! My mother did as much for me nd I care for her not because it's fun, makes life joyous, etc but because it's right, it's the moral thing to do, not the easy thing. I do not get those nephews, but their time will cme, everyone tells me that, everyone says what goes around, comes around and they will one day be in the same boat as their Mom and they will cry when no one is there to help them like they need it and i say GOOD, I like when bad souls are punished, it gives more rhyme and reason to life.
But I am going to take your advice about the letter to the dr, though I do wonder if she will actually read it much less do anything. Too bad I do not have money to care for my sister. As idiotic as it sounds I wrote this before I play the lottery hoping to hit it big so I can bring her home ( and I am fully away this is some insane dream I have, but what else can I do, I cannot even go get a job since I take care of my mother here). And shame on my nephews who inherited all that money and are so greedy and selfish they do not even think to get together and help my sister. I will also include the articles about sleep apnea, about her meds which do cause extra confusion, I hope that dr will do the right thing. Man, this world is hell ad my poor sis is burning in the fires, I wait for her sons to be in their own hell, I can't wait.
Thank you again for that great idea about the letter.
For YEARS you have been trying to help your sister. She did not listen to you, she second-guessed your advice by consulting other people who were less well informed, she buried her head in the sand. You say she is medically obese? - I wonder how many times you've pleaded with her to take better care of herself. When she lost her husband, I'll bet you were there for her, I'll bet you urged her to seek counselling. What I get from all you're saying of her history is that you have worried yourself sick, and run yourself ragged, trying to help her, while at the same time you've taken your mother under your wing - and had, what, any? help in caring for her. It's time to sign off.
Do this. Write down a clear, detailed history of what you know of your sister's medical and psychological conditions. Include the bereavement, the depression and the sleep apnoea. List the complementary treatments, such as physio and the breathing aids, that you either know she has been prescribed or believe would benefit her. Call the Nursing Home and request accurate contact details for your mother's MD. If they won't give you a name, then address correspondence to the "Primary Care Physician attending (your sister's name)" ℅ the Nursing Home she's at. You then send this written history to your sister's doctor, remembering that although the doctor can't discuss her with you, he or she can act on the information you've drawn attention to.
What it comes down to is this. You have helped, you have advised, you have researched, and you have worn your nerves to shreds worrying about your sister. I can imagine the frustration you feel with your nephews; but believe me where a mother is careless of her own health, it is not surprising that her sons follow suit. They are being fatalistic. They may be wrong, but they are not being culpably callous. And just like their mother, they are ignoring you.
Her doctor, however, might not. Place this in professional hands, and then STOP. You are going to drive yourself mad, and the harder you push, the more your sister and her sons will resist. Leave it to people who will worry less than you do, but just might be able to accomplish more. I feel angry on your behalf that you've tried so hard and had so little reward. Please don't let it prey on you even more.
Obviously your Mom needs and benefits from the care of the nursing home she is in, my sister went dramatically downhill after being put into the mental hosp then assisted living, then another nursing home, then a hospital ( for I think a week or so) and finally in this last nursing home. It is awful how much she has deteriorated and i have no idea what she looks like physically i have not seen her in 2 years now, no way my mother could fly with me to go see her and no way do I trust anyone to care for my mother like I d ( another sister has told me numerous times most people would not care for my mother like i do). I know exactly how my sis was 2 years ago as that she and that slimeball nephew and her visited here for 2 weeks or so back in April 2012, she was merely confused and i said and still say the meds are messing her up and that sleep apnea is too as well as the deep depression she had and has over her beautiful husband's death 7 years ago). It is amazing how in a matter of 3 months my ugly cur nephew felt she had to go into a mental hosp and then be put away, and too bad if some on here do not like that term, it is how i feel and like some stranger is going to dictate to me how I am supposed to feel about it?? Uh nope! But my sis was not in need of a mental hospital, nursing home whatever she was in need of good care and hiring a professional aide to come to their home would had done it, as would had getting a dr to check her meds and change them. why at this last nursing home I spoke to a male p/t that happened to pick up the phone when I called my sister and he brought up her meds needed to be changed because she was loopy. My sister only deteriorated once she was put away.
But to and from La. I slept in various hotel rooms with my sis as we traveled and i heard her labored breathing, her occasional bouts of not breathing and then her gasps, I hear her snoring too. When I was back home, one day after coming back from La, I called her to tell her that I believed she had sleep apnea ( I read up more about it just to be sure my suspicions were right), she asked her lazy son and his response was, "No Mom you don't have it." I was floored, i told her he was not a dr and he did not sleep near her and hear her labored breathing and snoring. Well she decided he knew better than me and 2 yrs later she was diagnosed with it. Ok flash forward to now, I called the nursing home, spoke to a nurse, this was this week, to inquire if my sis was getting any treatment for her sleep apnea, i was told not, she had no CPAP, nor a mouthpiece, this is so unreal. I told the nurse she was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I was looking online prior to calling there and read on the NY Times health section and on another reputable medical site that sleep apnea causes a lot of confusion, it is estimated that 40 % of patients in nursing homes have it, but the articles, both, said treating it can dramatically improve a person's mind when it comes to confusion and depression ( my sister is always crying there, they drug her up with cloneplin or some drug name like that, it's some anti anxiety med and it obviously does nothing but make her more loopy) and properly treating sleep apnea vastly improves the overall health of the person afflicted with it And sleep apnea does not magically disappear and especially not in a person like my sis who has immense weight and with is completely physically inactive. My stupid nephews should be demanding she gets treatment for that sleep apnea, which btw when untreated can created heart disease besides the confusion and depression and hallucinations on and on. These two asses also are doing nothing to get her walking again, ie privately hiring a p/t to get her mobile as well as motivated.
Fine if they are too selfish to care for her at home, that it's too hard on them,poor babies, but the least they can do is get her healthier. I have let it be known if she can walk I will care for her and my other here, I cannot care for her and my mother alone if she cannot walk, there are 2 flights of steps in this home and to take her to drs appointments would be impossible, my car is not wheelchair accessible. It will be very hard to care for 2 ill people, but i love them both and i will do it as long as my sis can walk.
And it is not that my nephews cannot give her the care she needs, they refuse. She was not ill like she is now when my big pig nephew decided to put her away. She was merely confused, but she could walk, talk, feed herself, laugh, etc. I first asked him to come here with her and we could both care for her and grandma, he refused. And I told that pile of human excrement she would deteriorate if he put her away and i was right.
But you know it is very interesting how people on this site react to what my nephews did and how people I know in person, strangers I meet in person and people I talk to on the phone react. Every single person i tell this too think my nephews are horrible, selfish, rotten. I have yet to meet one who defends them. So it is kind of funny on a caregiver site so many seem to align themselves with my nephews, it is odd indeed. It is further proof the online world is very different than the offline world. I notice people I meet in person, ones I know as well as so many strangers are great, really compassionate people , online uhh not so much. I meet the rare good person online, but they are few and far between. i will from now on just interact with people i know and meet offline, they are more of a mindset like me and totally see my nephews for what they are, selfish, narcissitic and rotten. The thing that makes me happy is knowing they will get theirs, the time will come when they need care and compassion and they will get none. I wish it would be when they need it from me since i would love to tell them hell no will i help them since they did not help their Mom.
i know being angry with those two sloths aren't helping my sister in the sense making her better, but ahhhhh all this negative energy I have for them, yesss it is hurting them, ithis energy is building up around them. to have family hate you is very bad energy for the one being hated and this hate I have for them is completely rational and right.
But I don't blame your nephews either. They didn't make her ill. They cannot provide the level of care she needs - it's not enough just to want to do it. And, no, nursing homes are NOT just places that people go to die. I understand that you feel angry about what's happening to your sister, but being angry with the wrong people won't help her.
I have seen nursing homes where the residents were kept active and involved, and then I can think of at least one in my town where it is kind of like a warehouse of waiting death. I know the staff tries, but they are under staffed.
I would guess that this lady had to have help, and the home was the only way. Now it is actually less expensive to bring people in, but often hard to find home workers. If she is very heavy, this would make it harder to find someone. If she didn't want strangers coming into the house, then a center is the only way.
The fact is that you have no control over the situation unless you are her guardian. We had a similar situation with a family member who needed more intensive care that they were getting - and the children came in maybe once or twice a year. (They didn't want to be bothered) BUT there is nothing you can do except make her comfortable. If the sons have treated her bad, then they will pay for it someday - in one way or another.
If you want to help her, then maybe finding out people she knows who could visit her - like a former pastor, friends, might keep her engaged.
One thing that we said about our relative - we don't know what kind of family environment they had. Same with your sister. Her sons may be at a loss, or they may not care, or they may even be trying to get back at her for some family dysfunction. There is no way to know.
But you can only do what YOU can, and put some faith in the caregivers at the center to look after her. Sometimes all you can do is just be there for them
basically repeating what Stargazer stated. Hope you can start to see reason.
Get some help.
Also I believe the energy in a person's thoughts goes toward whomever those thoughts are about ( especially in families and close relationships where there is some kind of connection) and actually it makes me feel good that while my poor sister is depressed and not going to improve and my heart is broken about it since it never had to happen, but that my negative thoughts/ energy geared toward my nephews is getting to them. I do not want them to be walking around having the good life and being relatively stress-free and without guilt after they have chosen to do wrong by their Mom because it was too inconvenient for them to get together, hire help and take care of her. It comforts me to know there is a bad aura around them. hey I send very loving thoughts to my sister and other people I love, but bad people like my nephews i do want them to feel this bad energy...nooooooo way should they have it easy after their choice to do this to their young and deeply depressed Mom, especially when I and others gave them good advice on how to care for their Mom, they could had hired aides to help out, that would had given them breaks, I take care of my mom without help, but if that was too tough for them, the least they could had done was hire help. all my sister was was confused and deeply depressed, she did not need constant round the clock care, nor did she have any disorders that warranted putting her into medical facilities. and again I told them she would deteriorate and she did, so now they get to taste my venomous words and feel my bad energy, it suits me fine. And if I get money I will bring my sister home and hire help since I cannot take care of 2 ill people alone, noooo way and then my nephews will be just useless piles of DNA who I do not ever have to think about. I will just lavish love and affection on my sister like I do on my Mom and get her to the best drs just to see if anything can be done to improve her mental status and get her walking again, and if not, so be it, at least she will be here with my Mom and me and will know she is loved and all will be good. and again I am not against that NH they take very good care of her, but she is my family and it still breaks my heart. and a friend/ ex-neighbor of mine works in a huge nursing home, she told me I did not want my sis in the dementia unit of the nursing home, she told me from firsthand experience it is not good, she told me to get my sister out of there and home, but I told her I can't care for two and now with my sis unable to walk no way she could get up and down the steps here, my guilt is intense that I cannot take care of my sister.
But your Mom is in a whole different situation than my sister, yes she needs constant care, my sister, before being put in the nursing home, just needed supervision as far as giving her her meds, talking with her, helping her take a bath ( it was not that she couldn't it was that she refused and that son decided rather than calling in a female aid to get her to bathe he would do it, I told him not to, that was no good. I know my sister she was modest and my father when he could not bathe, my mother hired a woman to bathe him, no way would I had ever bathed him, how humiliating would that had been for my father, and since my mother could afford that aid to bathe him, just like my sister had the funds to hire help, that woman helped. My nephew as usual never took advice. I told him to get her the help she needed, it probably would had improved her mental state, I told him to never hide her cats again since it freaked her out, I told him to take her to water aerobics (he did not even have to be there, just had to drop her off and pick her up) I told him not to put her away she would deteriorate ( and yeah she has!), And in my sister's case, oh yes she is put there to die, there is no improvement in her and I suspect my nephews knew that would happen. When you have lost a spouse you loved so deeply became distraught and depressed, then was diagnosed with a chronic disease ( diabetes) and was put into 5 facilities in less than a year and have lost everything you cherished and owned ( your home, furnishings, cats, neighbors, friends and familiar surroundings of course you will deteriorate and if you are in that mental state you are there to die, not get better and resume your previous life.) Like I wrote previously, who knows maybe I will come into money somehow and I will take her home and care for her no matter what condition she is in, that is my hope. and my two nephews like that nice man I spoke to today, they will get theirs, as he said and so many others have said to me. What goes around, comes around." and often it happens when it's least expected when a person feels at their most comfortable and satisfied and when they beg me for help I will refuse saying, What's good for the goose, is good for the gander." and I'll say God is giving you what you so lovingly gave your dear Mom. Oh and the man I spke to alwso said he cared for both parents to the end and his life is guilt-free he knows he did right, let's see how my nephew's minds will be after my poor sister is gone, when they reflect on all they did not do for her. And THIS IS ABOUT MY FAMILY! I do not judge others on what they choose to do with their loved ones, that is between them and God and if they know they made the right choice then God bless them, but I have no say in others lives it's not my business.