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Oh and I just remembered something, at the NH my sister is and at the other one she was at , a Catholic run one who could not care for her because of her foot wound and her being diabetic she needed intensive care that they could not provide, but you know I had and have spoken to nurses at the two places and I bemoaned the fact my nephews did not take care of my sister and I have said family should take care of family, those nurses, who, hello , work at nursing homes, all of them agreed and said family ideally should care for family. And at the Catholic run one, one nurse I spoke to broke down in tears over the phone when I told her my sister's age, she had no idea she was that young, ( I can only imagine what all this has done to age her, she used to look younger than she was, but it was the first day my sister was there, and I said how we are 14 years apart and she wept saying her sister is 14 years older than her too and it made her sad thinking what if my sister were hers, it's interesting how people reveal their hearts and souls to you isn't it? I think even the nurses understand me more than some people on here who are supposedly in the same boat as me either being caregivers and/or having ill family members. I hope no one ever makes any of you feel like you made me feel when I was merely venting, not ranting like one of you wrote which btw was was very uncompassionate and very judgmental. I think I misunderstood the purpose of this site, it is not to give a person a place to vent without judgment it is a place to judge, berate and even be mean to others, wow, no thanks! Good luck to anyone else on here looking for sympathy here, you very well may not get what you hoped for., WOW freaking WOW!
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OOps I did not see your post Mary, I just want to write I enjoyed reading it, your aunt is blessed to have you as her loving niece and your other aunt sounds AMAZING!! And she is witty to boot. You certainly have a cool, interesting and fun family! You are as blessed to have them, as they are to have you!!! I hope when your aunts and you get together you have a truly wonderful time. Oh and you are one of the very nice people on here!!!!
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I shuddered at the words "putting away" UGH! No matter what the nephews have financially, it was their choice and decision that this was the best option for their mother. It doesn't sound like they have run through her money, she is under a care plan at the Nursing home and they visit twice a week. I am sure there is immediate family reasons why they found the need for a NH.
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Also maybe they could consider moving your sister closer to your family. I believe you have a fear of NH. You could visit and report back to them any concerns. Have you tried talking to the nurse where she is living.?
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Oh dear, what a mess. In answer to the original question, nursing homes are not a place where you can just dump someone and wait for them to die, they are essential to provide care for those who can no longer care for themselves and require skilled nursing care 24/7 which cannot be provided at home.

My mother has been in a nursing home for 18 months now. She's had Parkinsons for 15 years, many strokes, a broken hip and has also had dementia for a number of years. I cared for her 24/7 for four years until her condition deteriorated to the point that it was impossible fort me to provide the care she needed. She's 88, unable to sit up, stand, walk or do anything at all for herself. She has the best of care and the staff are wonderful but, yes, she will die there as all the residents will eventually due to very advanced age and severe health issues.

In the meantime she has a private room and bath, family pictures, flowers, her favourite chocolates and cookies and highly skilled staff caring for her 24/7..
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I have ni issue with NH;s and none with that one, It's funny I just got off the phone talking to a very cool , nice man I know he was saying it was terrible my sons put her away, yes they took her from her home and put her away into a nursing home. Sorry if that term bothers you, it is my feeling and uh you are not going to change my views. He also remarked how awful it was that now they have more than enough money from their inheritances they should be doing right by my sister. Look only on here, how iron a caregiver's site do I see others practically defending my nephews. the man I spoke to, who btw is a great guy, does everything for his wife and children and is a hard working man who never rips anyone off as well as he is a very good friend to all who know him * a rarity in this world, he told me he took care of both of his parents and said that is always the right thing to do, I agreed. We never put my father into a nursing home and OI will never put my mother into one ( I have cared for her 4 years now, I had a life of freedom before, but guess what it is the right thing to do, my belief in God and my morals would never allow me to not take care of her, I know how my mind works I would be filled with guilt, I thought for sure my nephews were of the same mindset and look I could not care less what others do with their relatives as far as putting them away into nursing homes, that is their choice and NONE of my business, but when it is MY FAMILY, yeah it is totally My business. Maybe that money my nephews got, which is waaay more cash than my parents had or have, is a kind of test, to test their compassion, their goodness, well they have failed, their selfishness and doing only what is good and easy for them shows God how narcissistic they are, For those who would defend my nephews perhaps they will one day be in the same boat as my sister and have thankless children who only cared for them when they were healthy and able bodied, but when the true test came upon their children they failed miserably and decideds it was too tough to care for their parent. And I know how tough it is caring for a sick and weak parent I know it actually from both parents, my father was ill for at least 8 years while we cared for him, but see I could never fail my parents, I think how would I feel going into a nursing home knowing I had able bodied children who had the means and finances to help. And my nephews blew through my sisters 2 annuities and lost her HOME, a home she loved, the guardian son decided to take over bill paying and I have no idea what the oaf did to lose that home which he knew my sister loved, one reason after her husband died that she did not want to move to live with my mother and me, we always told her when she would call us crying over John's death to come live with us, but she used to say she loved her home too much to sell it and how sad, she said her sons still needed her , she was always giving money into their grubby paws. I wonder why online people seriously are so different than people I know and strangers I meet offline. It's weird!

Oh and I forgot to add that slob nephew told in an e-mail to my other sister he was working on getting my sister on Medicaid, are you kidding me? She gets $5,000 a month that's not enough to pay for a nursing home in the South? Here when I called places it was expensive and the places said how the south is way less expensive plus she has insurance and she had a home and had many items in that home, even her husband's precious antique silver coins, I wonder where they went? She had electronic equipment and fairly new furniture, had numerous books, had baskets she hand made., jewelry, one piece being my mother's mother's engagement ring which hmmm he refused to send back to either my mother or that sister he is on good terms with. That nephew will gets his, the man I spoke to today said karma, I agreed, he said the day it hits them it will send them reeling. But it's nice that some people on here lay their sympathy with my nephews, rather than my sister , interesting indeed.
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Ashlynn see in your case absolutely a nursing home is the best place for your Mom, God bless her. Your Mom had a myriad of illnesses that I can imagine would make taking care of her at home extremely difficult. All my sister had when my nephews put her away was confusion, that's it, not falls, not wandering, not dangerous behavior, she was very confused and I told him I noticed it when she went on the diabetes meds and perhaps she was having a bad reaction to them, like I wrote earlier I asked him to ask her dr to get her into a hospital to be evaluated and have her either taken off the meds to see if the confusion was being caused by them, they could monitor her blood sugars while she was there to be sure nothing bad happened and they could see if the meds were causing the confusion, he refused. If you knew this nephew, who people on here seem to defend you would know he is a BS artist, here is one of his BS stories, way back at 18 he went to college, he obviously did not like the school, I think it was because he did not stand out anymore with his unusual attire, tattoos etc, everyone looked like him, whereas in high school he stood out as one of a kind, do you know he made up a ridiculous story that some man tried to rape him in the pool hall? If you saw how huge my nephew is, the guy is obese but looks tough too, right like some guy is going to want to rape him, this is how stupid he is. And my sick sister, she believed him, anything that jerk ever told her he believed. Why when that sister and I drove to LA to help that son come back from yet another college, I slept in the same hotel rooms as her, I noticed she had sleep apnea, I would hear her stop breathing, I heard snoring and then gasping all odd sounds. We got back to her place, I flew home the next day, I was very stressed out from that drive because her van broke down in Tenn and we had to spend a night and part of the next day waiting for it to be fixed, plus my mother was freaking out back home at two women alone traveling, as well as I broke down in tears when I saw all of John ( my sis's late husband) books and exercise equipment, I did not feel his presence but I felt his absence ( take it from me that is the worst feeling) so I forgot to tell my sister that I felt she had sleep apnea. when I got home I remembered and called her. Do you know she asked that a hole son and he said, "No Ma you don't have it" I was incensed I said that he never slept around her like I did on the car trip down to LA and back so I think I know she did have it. Okay flash forward 2 years she is diagnosed with sleep apnea, if they had caught it sooner it would had helped her, but butt hole boy there he thinks he knows everything and he cannot ever take anyone's advice. I hope he blows through his cash, that would be great!

But your Mom is in a whole different situation than my sister, yes she needs constant care, my sister, before being put in the nursing home, just needed supervision as far as giving her her meds, talking with her, helping her take a bath ( it was not that she couldn't it was that she refused and that son decided rather than calling in a female aid to get her to bathe he would do it, I told him not to, that was no good. I know my sister she was modest and my father when he could not bathe, my mother hired a woman to bathe him, no way would I had ever bathed him, how humiliating would that had been for my father, and since my mother could afford that aid to bathe him, just like my sister had the funds to hire help, that woman helped. My nephew as usual never took advice. I told him to get her the help she needed, it probably would had improved her mental state, I told him to never hide her cats again since it freaked her out, I told him to take her to water aerobics (he did not even have to be there, just had to drop her off and pick her up) I told him not to put her away she would deteriorate ( and yeah she has!), And in my sister's case, oh yes she is put there to die, there is no improvement in her and I suspect my nephews knew that would happen. When you have lost a spouse you loved so deeply became distraught and depressed, then was diagnosed with a chronic disease ( diabetes) and was put into 5 facilities in less than a year and have lost everything you cherished and owned ( your home, furnishings, cats, neighbors, friends and familiar surroundings of course you will deteriorate and if you are in that mental state you are there to die, not get better and resume your previous life.) Like I wrote previously, who knows maybe I will come into money somehow and I will take her home and care for her no matter what condition she is in, that is my hope. and my two nephews like that nice man I spoke to today, they will get theirs, as he said and so many others have said to me. What goes around, comes around." and often it happens when it's least expected when a person feels at their most comfortable and satisfied and when they beg me for help I will refuse saying, What's good for the goose, is good for the gander." and I'll say God is giving you what you so lovingly gave your dear Mom. Oh and the man I spke to alwso said he cared for both parents to the end and his life is guilt-free he knows he did right, let's see how my nephew's minds will be after my poor sister is gone, when they reflect on all they did not do for her. And THIS IS ABOUT MY FAMILY! I do not judge others on what they choose to do with their loved ones, that is between them and God and if they know they made the right choice then God bless them, but I have no say in others lives it's not my business.
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What you are saying is anyone who isn't doing it your way is doing it the wrong way, and that your way is God's way. But it's none of your business if people aren't doing it God's way. But when it's your family it is your business. Since you feel so strongly you should make time for your sister. You can't control what her sons do. You can only control what you do. I wouldn't waste my time being angry or hating my nephews. It takes all the energy you need to devote to other things.
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No I am saying my nephews not doing it my way are not doing it God's way. I only know my family's situation I don't know anything about anyone else's family situation and I cannot judge them by merely words they have typed, or words they say in person. I am not in their family and do not know anything about their family's dynamic, whereas I am in my family and I know all of us, better than I know any other people in my life. So yes I can judge right and wrong when it comes to my family. and I believe I should have a say about what goes on in my family. I would never dare tell others what they should or shouldn't do with their family, but with my family uhhh hell yeah I will tell them.

Also I believe the energy in a person's thoughts goes toward whomever those thoughts are about ( especially in families and close relationships where there is some kind of connection) and actually it makes me feel good that while my poor sister is depressed and not going to improve and my heart is broken about it since it never had to happen, but that my negative thoughts/ energy geared toward my nephews is getting to them. I do not want them to be walking around having the good life and being relatively stress-free and without guilt after they have chosen to do wrong by their Mom because it was too inconvenient for them to get together, hire help and take care of her. It comforts me to know there is a bad aura around them. hey I send very loving thoughts to my sister and other people I love, but bad people like my nephews i do want them to feel this bad energy...nooooooo way should they have it easy after their choice to do this to their young and deeply depressed Mom, especially when I and others gave them good advice on how to care for their Mom, they could had hired aides to help out, that would had given them breaks, I take care of my mom without help, but if that was too tough for them, the least they could had done was hire help. all my sister was was confused and deeply depressed, she did not need constant round the clock care, nor did she have any disorders that warranted putting her into medical facilities. and again I told them she would deteriorate and she did, so now they get to taste my venomous words and feel my bad energy, it suits me fine. And if I get money I will bring my sister home and hire help since I cannot take care of 2 ill people alone, noooo way and then my nephews will be just useless piles of DNA who I do not ever have to think about. I will just lavish love and affection on my sister like I do on my Mom and get her to the best drs just to see if anything can be done to improve her mental status and get her walking again, and if not, so be it, at least she will be here with my Mom and me and will know she is loved and all will be good. and again I am not against that NH they take very good care of her, but she is my family and it still breaks my heart. and a friend/ ex-neighbor of mine works in a huge nursing home, she told me I did not want my sis in the dementia unit of the nursing home, she told me from firsthand experience it is not good, she told me to get my sister out of there and home, but I told her I can't care for two and now with my sis unable to walk no way she could get up and down the steps here, my guilt is intense that I cannot take care of my sister.
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The phrase "put away" is offensive. I had no idea that this original post had gotten so out of control. Reading your long, angry rants leaves a bad taste in my mouth so I will gladly opt out of following this thread.

Get some help.
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My mother had a downhill 4 years before she died 16 months ago. But she was never so active and involved as when she was in the rehab centers. She joined in with games and crafts and I was stunned with how popular she was. It was the times at home alone with a caregiver that things were more difficult.
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The best retirement community is the one that offers you the facilities that will suit your comfortable stay in the best possible manner.Retirement Homes are the best options for the people who want secured and comfortable life. My Grandpa is 79 and he lives in one of the best Nursing homes in Ottawa.They take care of all these things. Their staff members are well trained and fully dedicated to serving the seniors. They provide a range of services to ensure the comfort and safety of resident.
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I agree that she's better off in a nursing home than with people who don't want to care for her! Hopefully, it's a good nursing home. You can do your own research about that. You already have an impossible job on your hands taking care of your mom. The thing about nursing homes... the staff has shifts... you don't when you're caring for someone at home. In addition, your sister will have the company of people her own age, appropriate activities, and on-the-spot medical care when she needs it, including PT! Let go of your anger and resentment, and open your mind to believe she may be in the best place she can be right now. Hugs.
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I agree with all that are stating your sister is really better off in NH. She can't walk? Where else can she get PT with the ease of living right at the facility that offers it on a daily basis along with her meals and medical attention, plus companionship. I'm
basically repeating what Stargazer stated. Hope you can start to see reason.
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I can see both sides of this.
I have seen nursing homes where the residents were kept active and involved, and then I can think of at least one in my town where it is kind of like a warehouse of waiting death. I know the staff tries, but they are under staffed.
I would guess that this lady had to have help, and the home was the only way. Now it is actually less expensive to bring people in, but often hard to find home workers. If she is very heavy, this would make it harder to find someone. If she didn't want strangers coming into the house, then a center is the only way.

The fact is that you have no control over the situation unless you are her guardian. We had a similar situation with a family member who needed more intensive care that they were getting - and the children came in maybe once or twice a year. (They didn't want to be bothered) BUT there is nothing you can do except make her comfortable. If the sons have treated her bad, then they will pay for it someday - in one way or another.

If you want to help her, then maybe finding out people she knows who could visit her - like a former pastor, friends, might keep her engaged.

One thing that we said about our relative - we don't know what kind of family environment they had. Same with your sister. Her sons may be at a loss, or they may not care, or they may even be trying to get back at her for some family dysfunction. There is no way to know.
But you can only do what YOU can, and put some faith in the caregivers at the center to look after her. Sometimes all you can do is just be there for them
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You have to stop calling your nephews these filthy names. Just stop it. Caring for a morbidly obese person is very hard work, and caregiving in general can burn out almost anyone. A nursing home with a full staff is a proper alternative, that your nephews have provided for their mother. It shows caring. Now just stop it. Care for your mother, and get hold of yourself.
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Overwrought, what I take away from your post is that you are heartbroken about your sister. I don't blame you.

But I don't blame your nephews either. They didn't make her ill. They cannot provide the level of care she needs - it's not enough just to want to do it. And, no, nursing homes are NOT just places that people go to die. I understand that you feel angry about what's happening to your sister, but being angry with the wrong people won't help her.
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I appreciate your words, but my nephews are doing nothing for her while she is in that nursing home. The least the 2 oafs can do is get her the proper treatments. My sister has sleep apnea. I told her she had it 6 years ago when she and I drove to La to help bring her lousy son back home, which btw I helped the moron unload the rental truck and I had on freaking high heels and i am not some body building woman, but i helped him since he was scared if he did not get the truck back on time he would be charged a late fee and of course the jerk never thanked me, nice.

But to and from La. I slept in various hotel rooms with my sis as we traveled and i heard her labored breathing, her occasional bouts of not breathing and then her gasps, I hear her snoring too. When I was back home, one day after coming back from La, I called her to tell her that I believed she had sleep apnea ( I read up more about it just to be sure my suspicions were right), she asked her lazy son and his response was, "No Mom you don't have it." I was floored, i told her he was not a dr and he did not sleep near her and hear her labored breathing and snoring. Well she decided he knew better than me and 2 yrs later she was diagnosed with it. Ok flash forward to now, I called the nursing home, spoke to a nurse, this was this week, to inquire if my sis was getting any treatment for her sleep apnea, i was told not, she had no CPAP, nor a mouthpiece, this is so unreal. I told the nurse she was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I was looking online prior to calling there and read on the NY Times health section and on another reputable medical site that sleep apnea causes a lot of confusion, it is estimated that 40 % of patients in nursing homes have it, but the articles, both, said treating it can dramatically improve a person's mind when it comes to confusion and depression ( my sister is always crying there, they drug her up with cloneplin or some drug name like that, it's some anti anxiety med and it obviously does nothing but make her more loopy) and properly treating sleep apnea vastly improves the overall health of the person afflicted with it And sleep apnea does not magically disappear and especially not in a person like my sis who has immense weight and with is completely physically inactive. My stupid nephews should be demanding she gets treatment for that sleep apnea, which btw when untreated can created heart disease besides the confusion and depression and hallucinations on and on. These two asses also are doing nothing to get her walking again, ie privately hiring a p/t to get her mobile as well as motivated.

Fine if they are too selfish to care for her at home, that it's too hard on them,poor babies, but the least they can do is get her healthier. I have let it be known if she can walk I will care for her and my other here, I cannot care for her and my mother alone if she cannot walk, there are 2 flights of steps in this home and to take her to drs appointments would be impossible, my car is not wheelchair accessible. It will be very hard to care for 2 ill people, but i love them both and i will do it as long as my sis can walk.

And it is not that my nephews cannot give her the care she needs, they refuse. She was not ill like she is now when my big pig nephew decided to put her away. She was merely confused, but she could walk, talk, feed herself, laugh, etc. I first asked him to come here with her and we could both care for her and grandma, he refused. And I told that pile of human excrement she would deteriorate if he put her away and i was right.

But you know it is very interesting how people on this site react to what my nephews did and how people I know in person, strangers I meet in person and people I talk to on the phone react. Every single person i tell this too think my nephews are horrible, selfish, rotten. I have yet to meet one who defends them. So it is kind of funny on a caregiver site so many seem to align themselves with my nephews, it is odd indeed. It is further proof the online world is very different than the offline world. I notice people I meet in person, ones I know as well as so many strangers are great, really compassionate people , online uhh not so much. I meet the rare good person online, but they are few and far between. i will from now on just interact with people i know and meet offline, they are more of a mindset like me and totally see my nephews for what they are, selfish, narcissitic and rotten. The thing that makes me happy is knowing they will get theirs, the time will come when they need care and compassion and they will get none. I wish it would be when they need it from me since i would love to tell them hell no will i help them since they did not help their Mom.

i know being angry with those two sloths aren't helping my sister in the sense making her better, but ahhhhh all this negative energy I have for them, yesss it is hurting them, ithis energy is building up around them. to have family hate you is very bad energy for the one being hated and this hate I have for them is completely rational and right.
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overwroughtone, I get what you're saying - you're concerned about your sister's care, you can't personally care for her because you're already caring for Mom and the nephews have made care decisions that you're really troubled about. My mom is in NH because she needs 24/7 care (determined by a medical team) and it isn't possible for her to get this care at home. Taking her out is a challenge as she no longer can pivot and transfer without a lot of assistance to go from wheelchair into the car. She cheerfully does what the professional caregivers ask of her but we, her daughters, knew bupkis and she refused to comply with any logical care request. She has fought us on every single thing from braces to walkers to orthopedic shoes and then some. We truly could not have coordinated home care because to her we were still kids and therefore what we said has/had no value. But my extended family has vilified my sister and I for putting Aunt in that place and not keeping her home. They truly have no clue how sick she is or how difficult she is to care for. Because they're just peachy with getting their only information from Mom, who's in total denial about her health issues. Just saying that sometimes there are things involved in decisions that other people make that we may not know.
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See Linda your situation is very different than my sister's, obviously your Mom is very ill as judging by you writing she needs 24/7 care. My sister was not at all in need of 24/7 care before she was put away, supervision, yes she needed that, but my lazy nephew decided against hiring aides to help out, he is a lazy swine who sleeps all day long and stays up late playing on the computer or whatever he does. I care for my Mom who too needs supervision, I do it alone, i am 18 yrs older than 1 nephew and 15 years older than the other, if i can do it alone, they sure as hell could had done it together, as well as 1 nephew is married to a lazy woman who has no job and can barely keep a small apartment tidy, she could had helped too, my sister was not an invalid, not hooked up to machines, not in need of constant care.

Obviously your Mom needs and benefits from the care of the nursing home she is in, my sister went dramatically downhill after being put into the mental hosp then assisted living, then another nursing home, then a hospital ( for I think a week or so) and finally in this last nursing home. It is awful how much she has deteriorated and i have no idea what she looks like physically i have not seen her in 2 years now, no way my mother could fly with me to go see her and no way do I trust anyone to care for my mother like I d ( another sister has told me numerous times most people would not care for my mother like i do). I know exactly how my sis was 2 years ago as that she and that slimeball nephew and her visited here for 2 weeks or so back in April 2012, she was merely confused and i said and still say the meds are messing her up and that sleep apnea is too as well as the deep depression she had and has over her beautiful husband's death 7 years ago). It is amazing how in a matter of 3 months my ugly cur nephew felt she had to go into a mental hosp and then be put away, and too bad if some on here do not like that term, it is how i feel and like some stranger is going to dictate to me how I am supposed to feel about it?? Uh nope! But my sis was not in need of a mental hospital, nursing home whatever she was in need of good care and hiring a professional aide to come to their home would had done it, as would had getting a dr to check her meds and change them. why at this last nursing home I spoke to a male p/t that happened to pick up the phone when I called my sister and he brought up her meds needed to be changed because she was loopy. My sister only deteriorated once she was put away.
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Overwroughtone I'm sending you a hug, but I also want to say this, and I wish, wish, wish you would take it to heart and let it help you.

For YEARS you have been trying to help your sister. She did not listen to you, she second-guessed your advice by consulting other people who were less well informed, she buried her head in the sand. You say she is medically obese? - I wonder how many times you've pleaded with her to take better care of herself. When she lost her husband, I'll bet you were there for her, I'll bet you urged her to seek counselling. What I get from all you're saying of her history is that you have worried yourself sick, and run yourself ragged, trying to help her, while at the same time you've taken your mother under your wing - and had, what, any? help in caring for her. It's time to sign off.

Do this. Write down a clear, detailed history of what you know of your sister's medical and psychological conditions. Include the bereavement, the depression and the sleep apnoea. List the complementary treatments, such as physio and the breathing aids, that you either know she has been prescribed or believe would benefit her. Call the Nursing Home and request accurate contact details for your mother's MD. If they won't give you a name, then address correspondence to the "Primary Care Physician attending (your sister's name)" ℅ the Nursing Home she's at. You then send this written history to your sister's doctor, remembering that although the doctor can't discuss her with you, he or she can act on the information you've drawn attention to.

What it comes down to is this. You have helped, you have advised, you have researched, and you have worn your nerves to shreds worrying about your sister. I can imagine the frustration you feel with your nephews; but believe me where a mother is careless of her own health, it is not surprising that her sons follow suit. They are being fatalistic. They may be wrong, but they are not being culpably callous. And just like their mother, they are ignoring you.

Her doctor, however, might not. Place this in professional hands, and then STOP. You are going to drive yourself mad, and the harder you push, the more your sister and her sons will resist. Leave it to people who will worry less than you do, but just might be able to accomplish more. I feel angry on your behalf that you've tried so hard and had so little reward. Please don't let it prey on you even more.
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Countrymouse thank you for this great advice. You make excellent points and you make very good sense. I never have been able to talk to the dr there, but you know I am going to write up my sister's mental and physical history in a letter and send it off to that nursing home dr,I hope the dr will read it and then be proactive concerning my sister's medical and psychological needs. I get the sense she is not that kind of dr snce I had called to speak to her and was told she was on rounds and no way was, the nurse who i spoke to, going to stop her to talk to me, Uhh I did not mean she had to talk to me right then and there and I then asked if that nurse could perhaps just leave a message with my name and phone # on her desk and with the request to call me back, well I never heard from her, ahhh that definitely is the earmark of a caring, compassionate physician, NOT

. Now I know my other sister's husband, he is a dr, but he knows many doctors in different fields and he consulted with a neurologist who looked over my sis's medications, that bro in law and my other sis had also visited my sister while she was in this last nursing home, so he also mentioned her highly confused state and total apathy. That neurologist wrote up recommendations on which meds should be stopped and which dosages should be altered, but nothing was ever done, so either my moronic nephew never gave that letter to the dr, or the dr ignored the advice. This is so frustrating, I totally know my sis would improve if the right steps would be taken.

But like i wrote I will write a detailed letter to that dr, and i hope she will actually read it and help my sister. I may even ask my other sister to write it up , perhaps she knows how to be more persuasive to a physician, and/or maybe she can even ask her husband to write it.

Oh and I do not push my nephews, I have not spoken to, or had any contact with them since they put my sister away 2 years ago,.I do ask my other sister to contact them, but that is so sporadic and rare, after seeing they ignored the neurologist's advice I could see they are imbeciles who only care about themselves. I did ask my other sister this week, in an e-mail to please tell the idiots about the sleep apnea and that is has to be treated, She has not written me back, so I d not know if she has done anything. With that sister she gets upset about my sis, as well as my mother's illness, so I try not to discuss too much with her. But I know my nephews respect her and might heed her advice, but I think back to the neurologist's recommendations. And with my ill sister I don't really push her, I just call her and do all the talking, telling her i love her etc and I do tell her she has got to try to get better and needs to fight this thing. I try to boost her spirits by telling her little stories about people i know ( friends and neighbors) and telling her so many people I actually know, as well as strangers always say they are praying for her ( often they say they are praying for me too, but i tell them my sis and Mom need the prayers more than me) and I also try to get my sister to laugh, which on some rare occasions I succeed.

But see with my sis, she is 14 years older than me and I always saw her as a second mother, I cannot just let it go, I feel I am failing her, I feel like I am being like her sons. My heart breaks that she is in a nursing home. She let those two asses leech off of her for years, yet this is her reward, it's awful! My mother did as much for me nd I care for her not because it's fun, makes life joyous, etc but because it's right, it's the moral thing to do, not the easy thing. I do not get those nephews, but their time will cme, everyone tells me that, everyone says what goes around, comes around and they will one day be in the same boat as their Mom and they will cry when no one is there to help them like they need it and i say GOOD, I like when bad souls are punished, it gives more rhyme and reason to life.

But I am going to take your advice about the letter to the dr, though I do wonder if she will actually read it much less do anything. Too bad I do not have money to care for my sister. As idiotic as it sounds I wrote this before I play the lottery hoping to hit it big so I can bring her home ( and I am fully away this is some insane dream I have, but what else can I do, I cannot even go get a job since I take care of my mother here). And shame on my nephews who inherited all that money and are so greedy and selfish they do not even think to get together and help my sister. I will also include the articles about sleep apnea, about her meds which do cause extra confusion, I hope that dr will do the right thing. Man, this world is hell ad my poor sis is burning in the fires, I wait for her sons to be in their own hell, I can't wait.

Thank you again for that great idea about the letter.
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Danashel are you nuts? YOU are going to tell me to stop calling my nephews filthy names. Um who do you think YOU are??? Seriously?? I will call those two low .life asses whatever names i want and my sister was not too hard to care for until my nephew decided she was, he had one bad week with her, he listened to the advice of a neighbor a mentally ill hoarder neighbor, he could had brought my sis here like I begged him to I would had cared for her and my Mom and UH YEAH he would have to help. One cannot go through life being a lazy no good fat ass! In life we all must do our part!

And funny how three months prior to his putting my sis away, when they were both here and he saw how my mother was and he asked is she always like that, i said yers most of the time, he said quote "And I thought I had it bad!" Hmmm so he saw my caring for my mother tougher than his caring for his mother, yet he decided to put her away, not hire aides to help out, not take her to get her meds checked out, not get her an MRI???

He is lazy, selfish, a narcissist. And you know nothing about him, yet you are concerned that I call him names? HAH! Really, who do you think you are? Do you tell others what they can and can't do? And do you think I and others are going to listen to you? For real? Uh no way! I will call them every slur and insult in the book whenever I want to. You know nothing about those 2 idiots, yet awwww it offends you I call them names. Awwwww that is so sad for you. They are piles of dogs doo, they are useless, they are wastes of DNA, they are immoral sloths!!!! They have decided they can only visit my sis once a week to every two weeks, they are SWINES!!!!! The one blubbery full of himself nephew who had the power to put her away, that a hole has no job, no wife, no children, and according to my other sis a brand new car, so he has NO excuse to not see her every single day. Look lady you want to defend two morons like them, go for it. No one I know in person, not even strangers i meet face to face, not one tells me to stop calling my useless nephews names. EVERYONE shakes their head in disgust when I mention how they put her away, rarely visit her, do nothing to get her the medical care she needs. No one feels sorry for them. NO ONE! One guy i know said he would love to punch them right in their faces The only reason i can think of why you would not want me calling them names is that you are created of the same immoral, insensitive and narcissistic fabric they are made of. But wow lady who do you think you are to tell me what to do? Haha live on in lala land you are nothing to me, so you are not going to dictate what words I can use. And keep on defending slimeballs like my nephews, perhaps your family will treat you like they treat their Mom, hmm i bet then you would be whistling a whole different tune!
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You are so insensitive and out of the know it is unreal! NO WAY I would trust anyone to care for my mother I have cared for her for 4 years now I spend every single day with her and have since 2010 Who are you, to judge me as unstable since I cannot go see my sister and leave my mother here. And dear my mother is used to me, if i am merely shopping say my sister comes here to help out and sits in the car with my mother, well my sis has told me my mother calls out for me. I also have slept in the bed with my mother so that she will not fall out of the bed and get hurt as well as when she needs to use the bathroom in the middl of the night i am right there to take her, holding her hand nd holding her under her rm pit to ensure she does not fall then, and i have done this for 4 years. And no I cannot get bed rails for her as that she would try to climb over them and get hurt. Yes you are right let me go away for a couple days,leaving my ill and elderly Mom and confusing her and i bet freaking her out over the fact I am no longer here. Yes let me leave her with a stranger or family member ( all of whom have told me no way they would sleep in the bed with her and with one family member who cared for her while i shopped my mother fell and hit her head on a radistor nd this after that relative saw i went everywhere with my mother to ensure she had me beside her to keep her steady. Wow you are so smart I should do that, uhhhh NOT!

What money do i have? .It costs 134 dollars a month for tv/internet and phone. And the lottery uhh dear how much do you think they cost?

But you know what are the typical online loser Skakingdust, you are rude, you are nasty, you yourself have mental issues yet cast aspersions on others.You are so ignorant that i pity you. I know people like you online have no friends, strangers offline do not give you any extra attention. People do not hug you when they see you, nor tell you how much they like and/or love you. You are the social misfits and outcasts in life. you cannot muster up sympathy for others because no one ever sympathizes with you, ergo you feel a need to be boorish,nasty, accusatory to strangers online. I understand why you act like you do online, because your life sucks and you are pretty pathetic.I pity you i do.and yet I despise you as well and I thank God I do not meet nor know people in my offline life like you and your kind. Ugh that would be the ultimate worst if I had to encounter people like you. and see you are the reason so many people tell me they never waste their time going online, they always say there are too many nut jobs and losers on line and reading your crap proves them right!
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Overwrought, you asked a question. We gave you answers. If you don't like what ALL of us are saying, then this is clearly not the right forum for you to join. Please don't attack people here. We're about mutual support, not hate,
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Overwrought, my sister and I were going through forms with the manager of a respite care facility my mother stayed at for a week a few months ago. The manager was taking down details, and asked the next question: "if a medical emergency arises at night, do you want us to call you?"

Well! My sister and I gazed at her in astonishment. "Er, yes? Obviously?" we said. The manager smiled and said softly: "you would be surprised. Some families prefer not to be disturbed at inconvenient times."

I know this is hard for you to hear, but in visiting their mother at all your nephews are doing more than many family members bother with. We live in a sad, unkind world.

I'm glad that you are planning to draft a letter for your sister's doctor, and hope it will be helpful. If your brother-in-law is a doctor, do either ask him to write on your behalf or, if he isn't able to do that, copy him in to any letter you send. Professional courtesy can make quite a difference.

Finally, don't be downcast or surprised that the NH doctor didn't return your call. She was probably avoiding you for fear that you would ask her questions she couldn't answer: don't forget that she cannot, really cannot, tell you anything medical about your sister because of confidentiality rules. She's not just making excuses.

Best of luck, and please most of all promise to take care of yourself now. You really have gone above and beyond. Big hug.
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To the board monitors on here, why do you allow nasty people to write garbage to others on here who are either ranting, because uhh yeah caregiving is tough, or are looking for sympathy because maybe life has been tough lately. Why do you allow these jackasses who write crap to others get away with it? They serve no valuable purpose, other than to make people feel bad or angry. How does that help caregivers?????

I thought this was a site devoted to caregivers, a place to release and find others in the same boat and a place to feel some peace and positive vibes when times are tough. I have repeatedly seen people on here be very rude, accusatory, condescending, and insulting when responding to me and others on here. I feel the need to lash out at them since who are they to pull that BS here?

Can you give these nitwits a place where they can be as rude and nasty to each other as they feel, and allow us caregivers a place to freely state our thoughts, rants etc without morons being judgmental? You are allowing his site to disintegrate into a place where people do not want to come and reveal their feelings and opinions and you are allowing a handful of bullies and social misfits to make this site stressful and venomous.
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Ba8 you are right., I should not come on here. Ask this site to not send me emails informing me I got answers. and the answers I got here 99% are terrible. If this is how you people talk to others you know and strangers you meet offline i doubt anyone likes you guys.

Support people?Are you for real? Where is the support??? Either there are people on here who BS they are caregivers and come on here to harass and harangue true caregivers ( which in my book is pure evil), or some of you people have zero idea of what supporting others means. Do not cast stones at me, i do not go on people's posts and annoy them, I offer them support, but obviously hoping to get it from strangers here is a waste of time.

And i do hope all who defend my nephews end up having sons or husbands or friends just like them, you deserve it. And i hope when someone you love , if you are even capable of that, is put away and it breaks your heart I hope others act just like you all did here.
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Countrymouse I thank you again for your intelligent words and kind nature.

I will ask my bro in law to write up the letter. And actually i am on the list of who the drs and nurses can discuss medical issues with, my other sis told my nephew to put her, me, our brother and her husband on that list. I have called and when speaking to new nurses they have told me they could not discuss things with me, so I have told them I am on the list of people who can learn of and talk about my sister's condition and they look on the list, find my name, apologize and then allow me to ask questions which they answer. Oh and unbelievably my nephew, the doofus, put that mentally ill neighbor who is a hoarder on the list, my sister hated that woman, so that is pretty awful that that slob gets info on my sister, she no way should be privy to that, and that is yet another slap in the face to my poor sister.

But as that I am on the list that nursing home dr can definitely discuss medical issues concerning my sister with me.She chose not to call me back, I chose not to call for fear if she feels I am pestering her she will take it out on my sister. My other sis also told me the jerk nephew told her he never gets to talk to the dr he only talks to her when she wants to talk to him, uhh what kind of facility is that?
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Someone commented that many/most nursing home residents have few or no visitors at all and I can attest to that. My mother is in a NH. She's 88, has parkinsons, severe dementia and has had many strokes such that she's now virtually a shell. The NH is spotless, staff are wonderful and there are many activities for those that wish to participate..

I'm there frequently to take her treats and ensure she has all she needs. There are 60 residents but each time I visit there may be just one car in the visitor parking. Perhaps families live far away, maybe there is no family or perhaps working full time, raising children, helping with grandchildren, who knows. I do know there are one or two residents who totally refuse visitors.

To try to help your sister from so far away is virtually impossible and, as you haven't seen her for 2 years, I feel that the only way to really assess her condition and care is if you could possibly manage to visit for a couple of days and see for yourself. Good luck!
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