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My horrible nephews put my sister into a nursing home, they live 1,000 miles away, I take care of my elderly mother who needs 24 hour supervision and attention so I cannot, sadly, care for 2 ill people, if I could I would. I had begged my nephews not to put their Mom away and instead come here and we could all take turns caring for her and my mother, I obviously would still care constantly for my mother, but on occasion I could care for my sister as well as long as they did most of the caring or whatever they could do to help her. They flat out refused. I told my useless nephew, the one who made all the major decisions that if he put his Mother ( my sister) away she would deteriorate, the narcissistic oaf said, "Not necessarily." and has she ever deteriorated, she can no longer walk, nor feed herself, nor bathe herself, nor dress herself, I call a lot and she barely says one full sentence. She cries on occasions, My heart is broken for her. And she is NOT old, she is by far the youngest resident there ( the nurses all have told me that). But I feel like she has been sent there to die. I care for my mother and it is so hard, but it is the right thing to do, I am young, healthy and able, my nephews are both even younger than me, the jackass , the one who made the decision to put her away is a lazy no job holding ass , I feel he loved that he had some power in life by making every decision about his mother, and every decision was the worst possible and most selfish ones, He and his brother inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars ( from their late Dad's Mom who btw they never did anything for, they never bought her gifts even though she sent them 500 and 1,000 on birthdays and Christmas ( can you imagine their greediness and selfishness?) It is sickening to think they have all that money when they did ZILCH to deserve other than share their Grandma's DNA that's it!. The least those two selfish swine could do is pay to get my sister physical therapy so she will walk again, get a great nutritionist to feed her the healthiest meals, rent a handicapped/wheelchair accessible van and just get her out of there once a week, ( I asked 1 of the nurses if she can leave the grounds she said yes, it would do her a world of good , but she would have to be in some kind of vehicle that a wheelchair could easily get in and out of), but nope those two unfeeling slobs do nothing, they ohhh wow visit her maybe twice a week for wow maybe an hour a visit, but they do nothing otherwise. But I cry thinking that my horrible nephews sent her there to die, obviously she is going to die there among tons of other sick people and strangers, no matter how nice that staff there is they are not her family who knew her so many years like my dirtbag nephews and shared life experiences with her. I read of Belle who wrote way back wishing her mother was dead, see for my nephews I wish the hell and sadness they put my sister through, and the added stress and sadness I have as a result they get tenfold. It is so sad to see how quickly my poor sister deteriorated simply because two selfish curs ( mutts!) have no desire to give her the freedom and love she gave them. She should had aborted them! I wonder will they care when she dies all alone in that cold nursing home?

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The nursing home my mother spent four years in provided many forms of entertainment and things to participate in. She was well cared for through the worst time of her life.
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jeannegibbs Jul 2018
Daughterof1930, that was our experience, too. Mom's NH provided lots and lots of opportunities for entertainment and participation. My mother's roommate did not take advantage of any of these things. My mother did nearly everything offered to her. I don't regret at all having her in that environment when we were no longer able to provide the level of care she needed.
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OverTheEdge17, when you say she goes on days trips? Does Nursing home provides day's trips? Is is something special? My understanding was that in nursing homes they only provide some care but not an entertainment. Am I wrong?
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jeannegibbs Jul 2018
Yes, you are wrong about nursing homes. My mother's nursing home brought in live entertainment, had all kinds of activities, and had a medi-van (that could accommodate wheelchairs) for outings. Perhaps that is not true of all NHs, but my mother's had mostly Medicaid patients and was hardly deluxe. They looked after the physical and emotional health of their residents.
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I agree with OverTheEdge17 above. Sometimes a nursing home can be the best thing. A very dear family friend, elderly and had scoliosis all her life, could barely move around around in her very old, tiny, almost unheated home. She had one daughter who sometimes helped.

Eventually the daughter put her in a nursing home. Our dear friend had warmth, good food, proper meds, and company. She put on weight. One of my sisters who visited our friend in the nursing wept afterwards saying it was so hard to see her in a nursing home. I said, "Why? She looks great and she's cared for."

Though our dear friend passed in the nursing home, I'm relieved for her that she didn't die cold and alone.
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In our case, it was the opposite: She was waiting to die while she was at her residence. Her mental and physical decline while she chose to sit in a chair all day (sometimes didn't even get up to use the restroom) was startling. She had limited funds to pay for caregivers & the ones her insurance provided were very limited quality (i.e. somewhat lazy and not the greatest people in general) and very short-term. I did my very best to provide care, but it was not enough. We would have needed to make a schedule for Mom's care and everyone would need to take a shift (and show up for the shift) so that we're covered 24/7 but that idea fell on deaf ears. Other family judged and criticized me up and down. People are very good at stating what they do not like, but then there's no analysis on how to really make it better. I even got an email from a family member stating that Mom would be "bedridden" if I did not start doing even more than I was. It was strongly-worded and had a threatening tone - quite alarming to receive something like that. Of course, the email writer did nothing to help- other than point out what she felt my shortcomings were and then state later on that she had given me "so many ideas" on how to make it work! On the flip side, now that Mom's in a nursing home things are so much better that it's hard to believe it's the same person. She sleeps through the night. She goes on day trips. She attends church and other activities within the facility. She has friends. She gets off her rear end and participates in therapy as well. She's better now than she's been in years. She's got a chance at life now.
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jeannegibbs Jul 2018
OTE, my mother was well-cared for by my sister in my sister's home. It was a good year of "assisted living" level care. But when she needed nursing-home level care and we moved her into a nursing home, she absolutely blossomed! She loved not having to bundle up and go outside to get her hair done, or her toenails seen to. She loved having people her own age to visit with. We were truly amazed. She participated in activities. Our mother! Who knew?
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This is an old post but appropriate and reminded me how detrimental uncontrollable anger and hate can be for all involved. I hope sometime in the last few years you point your judgments toward the person you are hurting the most--anger can be terminal.
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i feel for you. I am sorry that you are going through that.
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My Mother moved in with us after her second fall. Before that I was driving her to the doctor and lab work. I did her grocery shopping once a week after work etc etc. so her living with us was not working out. She moved to Assisted Living for almost one year. She then had to be moved to SNF side. She has thrived being there. People always around and always busy with activities.

As a former CNA no Resident died alone. If we had a Resident who was actively dying, that Resident had their CNA’s 100% attention. If family was there, we gave them their privacy, checking in to make sure they had water, coffee, whatever they needed. All Residents received the same care whether they had visitors everyday or none at all, Self pay or Medicaid. We would have been shown the door if we had done otherwise,
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I wish more people understood about the poisons in the food these days of which a big change to all fresh, organic, non-packaged or processed foods would likely have made a big change in that woman's health.
I would also like to say, people "decline" from lack of love.
An Ombudsman once told me, that patients who do not receive regular visits from ANYONE are more likely to suffer from abuse in nursing care facilities. Just watch some undercover camera footage on Youtube of what can go on when no one is looking and when people know that there will be no one to ask questions about the bruises and broken bones.
My father DID die alone in a nursing home and each time I think about it after 25 years my gut hurts, I cry and I ask him for forgiveness for leaving him to die alone.
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Damita,
I won't (can't) deny you your thoughts and feelings BUT we are entitled to OUR thoughts and feelings also.

We speak from our experiences with our loved ones in the nursing and memory facilities. You can NOT deny that our loved ones are well taken care of because you're not there.

I think your generalizations are racist and demeaning. I guess you feel the same way about the fast food joint where you buy your burgers? And the hundreds of other jobs that employ people of different nationalities that don't have college degrees?

You obviously don't understand that medications given to patients have to be dispensed by a nurse or med tech. That requires schooling. It also requires verification of citizenship, as does ANY job applied for in the US these days.

Get off your "hate" soapbox and wise up. LEARN what is required to get a job here.

Go troll somewhere else.
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My mom got much better care in the nursing home we placed her in than any of us kids would have been able to provide at home. WE are not trained; we are engineers and psychologists; our spouses are IT professionals, MBAs and teachers.

Mom had medical professionals around her 24/7. They caught her pneumonias, her pleural effuesions and her UTI's and for the most part were able to treat her "in house". There were MDs, both internists and psychiatrists on staff. Podiatry, dentistry, audiology and ophthalmology came in every few months.

Was it perfect? Nope. Was it better than home? You better believe it.
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Thanks Jeanne!

Some of us have NO CHOICE but to place our loved ones there.
I'm 61. My neck and back are bad from years of being a nurse. I'm still working but in a limited capacity. I am an only child.

I had to put my mom in a memory care facility because I have to keep working to pay the bills. I also have physical limitations on picking her up, etc.
WHY would I want to throw my back out, be on disability and not be able to care for anybody? She deserves caregivers who can properly care for her.

Mother, in stage 6 Alzheimer's, took to getting naked and urinating on the floor, also screaming at the top of her lungs at 2 am. The landlord wasn't pleased, to say the least!

What was I supposed to do?
Am I horrible for making sure someone can lift her in and out of the wheelchair?
Am I dispicable that she's watched 24 hours a day?
 Is it unspeakable that she's in a place where the doctor visits her in the facility the SAME day she gets sick?

They can do more for her than I can.
She will die (probably there) and I'd rather it be where she is well cared for by 3 shifts of rested staff members than by a daughter who has no reserve energy to care for her "special needs".
No one will make me feel guilty for my decision. In my eyes, I had no other choice.
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Hope I expire before AL or NH is where I have to spend my last days. If I get a life ending illness, I would choose to go to a beach in Central America, take nembutal and fall asleep. It is horrifying to end up in any of those upholstered toilets you call AL and NH. Independent living places are bad enough. I hope I get enough money together to get a small residence to live in and avoid all medical care because doctors and nurses are in place to end your life by way of big pharma. Staff in NH and AL are generally third worlders who do not speak English or else they are worn out by various medical jobs and work in such facilities because they can get away with being mean to the residents. I raised an autistic child as a widow and did not complain about it. I just did what I had to do. You should do the same.
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I know the original post is 4 years old, but my heart aches every time I read accusations that placing one's loved one in a nursing home is "putting them away." That is a horrible thing to say on a forum where MANY of the participants have placed their loved ones in care, and many more will need to do that in the future.
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Your feelings towards your family are ambivalent?

What was the upside?

What times you have been through, Damita. I'm so very sorry. Do you have supportive people around you nowadays? - friends, neighbours, co-workers, other parents living with autism?
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There were 3 blood sisters from my mother and father and 7 half siblings with my mother's second husband. My mother put my older sister (13 months older than me) and me into an orphanage for five years; I was age four and my sister was five. After she remarried for several years, my uncle shamed her into getting us out of the orphanage. My mother was abusive to all but was terrible to me and my sister. My youngest full sister did not know about her real father and thought she was one of the stepfather's kids. She was also very spoiled by my mother and was given everything and grew up to be the most selfish of all of those kids. My older sister and I babysat and had to work for everything for school like books, clothes, etc. The others were given everything. Well after all this, who do you think my mother asked to take care of her? Me. I went to her place and it was a rerun of the time I grew up. I finally escaped after four years and moved. She was angry and I never saw her again. When she died, the rest of those siblings divided up the proceeds of her house and also took the furniture and appliances I had let my mother use. I never got a nickel. So my feelings toward that family is ambivalent. My youngest daughter who would have helped me in my old age passed away at age 17 in an auto accident and the other daughter is autistic so it as if I never had any children. I raised them alone as a widow and they had everything they needed because I worked my behind off. The autistic doesn't give me the time of day. It is okay. I know I did the right things raising them but never said I was perfect. I am thankful I don't have kids telling me what to do. In fact, I am dropping all medical care after I get some dental and eye surgery. That way, no one can determine what I should do but me. If I were to be put up for a nursing home, I would rather be dead. So you selfish whelp need to take care of your parents and stop complaining. You probably had decent childhoods and are so selfish you cannot repay what your parents did. Wait a few years and see how you feel.
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Dear Corrina,

I hear your frustrations. It is hard to get use to the abbreviations. I'm not much of a cell phone user so its even tougher for me. I would see things like smh and think what does that mean? Shaking my head, I found out. I try to write out everything I can, but I know when some posters reply a lot, some short cuts are handy.
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Corinna, I know exactly what you mean. When I first came on the forum I was wondering why so many people were moving to New Hampshire NH, to Illinois IL, and to Alabama AL.

Yes, PT is physical therapy. At first I thought it was "part-time". If you see SO, it means significant other. Some use DH, which means "darling husband".
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I wish everyone would stop using abbreviations instead of the full word. NH can mean New Hampshire. YO for years old? PT I assume is physical therapy. I've been around quite awhile and am quite familiar with military acronymns, but guess it is going to take more time for me to figure out what some of you are talking about.
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There are a lot of really great nursing homes ,if your sisters sons do not know own how to care medically for their very sick mother then maybe your sister is just where she needs to be.It sounds as if your hands are already full and if your sister can't walk ...that means changing diapers ,not many mothers would want their sons to do that ,please give yourself a break ,and the boys ...sometimes nursing homes can't be avoided ,you are doing what you can takeing care of your mom ,you can't necessarily blame the nursing home for your sisters decline ,or your nephews they just don't know what else to do.You are all family ,this should pull you together rather than letting anger and GREIF take over ... Nursing homes are not always wrong sometimes the sickness is debilitating and the underlying disease could be causing the decline.I am sad for your whole family ,I wish you the best...
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Overwrought, it is quite obvious from your posts that you have SEVERE psychological problems. I have never read posts so full of hate and venom. For your mother's and sister's sake, I hope you will admit to yourself what is so obvious to the rest of us on this forum so you can get the help you need.
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Quite right, CDN. And I completely sympathise with the retrospective self-second-guessing too - torment, but you can't help yourself, can you?

It also occurs to me: we all will eventually need a place to die. You can do a lot worse than a well-run Nursing Home.
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I never wanted to put my father into a nursing home. After his stroke, I was determined to bring him home. I was worried that going into a nursing home might contribute further to his decline. I thought he would do better at home. But after a year and half it became clear it was a lot to manage. In a way, I feel like not going into a nursing home contributed to his death.

There is no right answer sometimes. We all do the best we can.
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Here is my take. It is to me horrible to put someone into a nursing home, just sickening. HOWEVER, sometimes it is just impossible for people to properly take care of the patient. Other times the patient is so abusive to the caretaker, so demanding and nasty that the caretaker has no choice but to put them into a home. There is no hard and fast rule. One factor, however, is this - if the caretaker is most likely younger than the patient and has a right to live his/her life to the fullest. Most likely the patient is older and has lived his/her life. One does what one must do - and then pray for the best outcome.
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I think it depends on what level of care is required, the nursing home and the involvement of the family I'm not there yet with my parents (they are in assisted living), but I try not to judge. My mom put her own mom in a nursing home after a stroke because she needed more care.
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No, I do not think that putting someone in a nursing home is a place to die...but it should be the last resort if you have the financial means to take care of that person ..either through home health or hospice...when it comes to a point that you no longer can take care of that individual...then you will need to make a decision. Long term care of a person is 24 hours a day 7 days a week...it takes a toll on the caregiver(s)...and changes your perspective on life and death...your life as you knew it...ceases to exist..because you are anticipating the next move...for those who have not walked in those shoes..do not judge...this is not an easy decision for anyone to make...it breaks your heart to see the person you once knew..gone...as thou they never existed...that's what is heart wrenching...your memories are the only thing you have left.  As someone once told me, you are mourning the person you knew before they have died....  I hope that you can make the decision that is best for the patient.     You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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I disagree. My mother needed to be in a rest home and lived there for several years. She was well cared for.
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Yes. Emphatically, Yes. Unless their caregiver goes with them, even then... they are horrible places for anyone who cannot advocate or speak up for themselves.
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Shame on your nephews for making that decision when your sister had financial resources for Home Care. I don't think her children are cut out for caregiving. The fact that she's so young is particularly sad. I'm trying my best to allow my parents to live the rest of their lives in their home. I'm not even sure $5,000 a month would cover your sister's expenses. I'm researching various assistive devices with the hope that I can keep this up. I can tell you for sure that I'd never allow a loved one to care for me in old age.
Money gives the elderly better options. I know if I put my parents in a nursing home there wouldn't be a specific person watching at all times and my dad would fall. Medicare benefits should follow the patient regardless of where they spend their final years. Unpaid family caregivers save our government over $525 BILLION dollars each year that would otherwise go to assisted living and nursing homes, etc. If Medicaid is cut to the extent outlined in the current Senate healthcare bill, nursing homes will be out of reach for so many people. 70% of Nursing Home reimbursement is from Medicaid. If this concerns anyone who reads this, please contact your state senators to tell them how to vote. General number is 202-224-3121. Easy Peasy!
Finally, this may sound crazy but it works. I recommend praying for your nephews every single night even if you don't feel it in your heart. Eventually an amazing change of heart occurs, relieving you of resentment that often robs your peace of mind. I found that forgiveness is less about the offender and more about being able to move on with your own life. I hope you're doing okay. You're an awesome daughter and sister. You should be very proud of yourself.
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Wow one can sense the frustration and anger but do not be too quick to judge others. What if they did bring your sister to you and than you became overwhelmed with her care. Would you want them to judge you if you could not handle her care and she did need assisted living. I pray all works out for you, please don't judge, it will come back to bite you.
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Yes, that's basically what a nursing home really is, a place to die. I don't like the idea of ripping someone out of their home and forcing them into a facility if there's anyway possible they can thrive at home. Though sometimes a nursing home is necessary in some cases, it's not necessary in all cases
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