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After six years of Parent domination, I have begun to take my life back. Now what? Dad is so angry with me he keeps hanging up on me when I call him.

Here a brief explaination for the last six years. Mom died suddenly and I was the closest relative to take care of Dad. Of course Dad is healthy for 83 and can take care of himself very well, but he tends to get into jobs that require more than one person to complete. We sold the house 30 miles away below market value, bought the land across the street from Dad's ranch. Let Dad foot the bill to build the new house and found ourselves in a Money Mess. Dad is self centered, controlling, egotistical A-H. I tried my best to make him happy but suddenly realized no one nor nothing would ever make this person happy. I saw my husband slowly drifting away and falling into a depression. My job started to suffer from all the distractions of Dad calling and dropping by. I arrived home ussally several hours after work because I always stopped by Dad's and ended up helping him with his many projects and problems. And I was consently being blamed for everything going wrong. Dad is not good at handling money and Mother was always baling him out. When it became apparent we both needed to take care of money matters I decided to take action. I sold the our place across the street paid off all my bills. Bought a nice 3B2B small house 5 miles away. Bought Dad a set of hearing aids and have most of the money to pay him back. I want to go to his bank to deposit the money in his account but everyone tells me I am just enabling him and he will only need more money later and I won't have the funds to help him. This is week two and now Dad won't answer the phone when I call. He keeps hanging up on me everytime I call. My husband won't go tell him to grow up and my brother won't do anything either. He won't talk to me so I can tell him to stop being so hatefully and be thankfull of what he has.

Now What? Do I pay him the money and let him make the effort to contact me and go on with my life or do I take the first step to start back the communication?

He has always been this way. Mother took the blunt of his bullying after us kids left home. He has always been verbally abusive to his family but never to an outsider.

I am going to stand my ground with my new found independence but I don't want him to think I have abandoned him. I just want to be a daughter and not a servant and a punching bag.

409 Ranch

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yay!! good for you!
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WELL DONE YOU!!! First rate balance-striking - we can watch and learn! x
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I have come to this site on three occasions and everytime it has been a blessing. I know many people go through simular trials everyday and I know I will always get a honest answer.
I decided to wait until he realized he needed me more than I need him. He called me this afternoon and needed me to do something. No apology, but I didn't expect that anyway. I put some money in all three of his accounts and and putting the remaining amount in a savings account for when he needs it. I called my Husband and Brother and they both agreed this was the best way to handle. He will get in trouble later and I will have the money to help him then. Dad is not stupid and he knows how to push my buttons. I just need to learn not to show it when he does. I am taking back my life. I will be there when he really needs me and he knows it. I will be a daughter and not a caregiver. When the time comes he needs more permenant help, we will liquidate the estate and make sure he gets the best care possible.

Thank you everyone, from the bottom of my heart. Just having someone that will listen means the world to me. May God Bless.
409 ranch
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You have received some very insightful answers from Countrymouse, LadeeC, and ladeeM. Set the money aside in a separate account. Continue building and maintaining your independent life. Accept that this is the way Dad has always been, and the chances of him changing now are slim. It is your own behavior that you can control, and it sounds like you are taking charge of that.

Stay strong!
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The first thought that occurred to me was he is making you dance the dance he has orchestrated your whole life.... if it were me, let it go for awhile... like others have said.. secure the money, and just wait for awhile.... you may be sending a mixed message also.... I want my life back and you in it also.... he doesn't understand this part..... apparently it's all or nothing for him... at least for right now..... he KNOWS you haven't abandoned him... that is noise going on between your own ears..... it's part of what keeps you hooked into his games.....

Do a little more for you, and a little less calling him.... it has a balance... you just have to keep seeking it.... and guilt is not love.... guilt is guilt..... sending you lots of hugs and a bag of chocolate while you are deciding what to do, or not do, next.
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Hmmm .. several thoughts occur to me. Maybe I'd put the money in a trust fund, or something secured, where he is the sole beneficiary and/or has signature rights. Or, maybe I'd get a certified check, send it with a letter explaining my actions.... and copy it to the other family members so that they knew what I was doing. I'd also probably never touch a penny of his money again.
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It's only week two. You're correcting a lifetime's habitual behaviour towards people who stand in your father's way. What's the rush?

Keep your father's money safe and separate, ready either to be returned to or spent on him, then wait and see. By all means continue to try to contact him; but you're dead right to stand your ground, and in any case you're going to need to take charge at some point so you might as well make a start now - don't you think? Good for you, hope he calms down soon.
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