Now that all of the hard work is done, my sister wants to undo all we have set up for my dad by sabotaging and making untrue accusations. What do I do? - AgingCare.com

Now that all of the hard work is done, my sister wants to undo all we have set up for my dad by sabotaging and making untrue accusations. What do I do?

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My Father and Step Mother lived in AZ. In Nov 2017 my step mother had a large stone break loose and crash into her Pancreas destroying it and putting her on life support. I am married, my last child just graduated from HS in May. I supported Dad long distance through struggles loneliness and stress, waiting for him to tell me he was ready for me to travel to AZ. My Dad thought she was improving one day and accused the hospital of trying to kill her because they were poor the next. A health care friend helped get her moved to the best facility in Scottsdale. They determined her prognosis was not good. contrary to what my Dad wanted to believe. Showing signs of dementia, his memory was terrible and bill collectors callied his house 24/7, because at 76 he had never really had to care for himself. My Step Mother has two children and several grandchildren. The health care facility had no clue because none of them visited or called. They thought I was my Dad's only child for the same reason. My father finally asked me to come out in May. For 2 weeks I stayed with him and worked remotely. His house was a disaster. Three year old expired food in the freezer, refrigerator and pantry, rotten food that had turned to liquid bacteria on the pantry floor. The bathrooms hadn't been cleaned in months. He allowed their small dog to urinate and defecate in the guest bedroom so long it was ground into the carpeting. The house was closed up and saturated with cigarette smoke, dirt and dust. As a pack rat, he had hundreds of magazines from 1970 to present that he never read, broken and unusable items filled drawers and closets, etc. During my stay I cleaned and threw out old food, had carpets cleaned, disinfected everything while working a full work week from 0300 to 1100 M-F to be available for appointments the rest of the day. Medical appointments, bought him new shoes, new clothes and had difficult end of life conversations with him, got his legal paperwork drawn up for POA both medical and financial and a living will. My brother lives in AZ and has no relationship with my father or me. I have a terrible relationship with my narcissistic, abusive sister, but advised her of Dad's situation if she wanted to work together for his best interest. She told me no in a very vulgar and demeaning way and advised me she didn't have any money. I told her he needed more care than just money. Dad shows signs of dementia, forgets to take medication, angry outbursts and can't manage money. When meeting with the Doctor and care givers, they pleaded with me to help my father understand the severity of her condition. Her body was failing on all levels, they were treating her for painful infections constantly. She was a strong and proud woman. I knew there was no way she would want to live on a feeding tube, ventilator, unable to talk or go outside, laying in bed with a tv screen shoved up to her face 24/7. When I visited her she was very happy to see me. I showed her pictures of my sons and the most recent paintings I had painted (she was my biggest fan). I read to her and did crosswords in front of her (her favorite). I told her I was taking care of Dad and she was very thankful, mouthed she loved me. I told her I was there just for her and asked what I could do to help. She darted her eyes toward the ventilator and squeezed them tightly in sadness. I asked her if that thing bothered her and again she squeezed my hand and her eyes tightly and nodded. I asked her if she wanted me to do something about it and she nodded, mouthed thank you and she loved me. I tried to get her kids to come from California and they were too busy. They made terrible accusations about me on Facebook and the doctors of killing their mother. We gave them ample time to come to the hospital but they didn't. My father didn't want to be in the room while they removed life support. I convinced him to stay. I told him he could go out to the waiting room if he wanted, but I promised her I would hold her hand and be with her every step of the way. They moved her bed to the window, per my request so she could see the trees and blue sky (she loved animals and nature). She passed within 15 minutes after disconnect as my Dad and I held her hands and each other sobbing. I took care of the death arrangements alone and a small balloon ceremony with just me, Dad and the dog. I had to move him to Kansas, got him an apartment he could afford and set up doctors, health care plans, got him glasses and prescriptions, etc. We brought the belongings he couldn't live without, furnished his apartment and clean weekly. This whole ordeal cost us 7k. I cook his meals 4 times a wk, pay bills and give him spending cash. I got my sister to take over the house cleaning. She uses the time to criticize and sabotage Dad and my communication like an ex wife trying to poison children against their father. She used to accuse my Step Mother of trying to kill him, so they did not get along. What do I do?

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Yes exactly Lorraine2. People tell you what you want to hear so I don't really talk about it much. But when yall going through the same things say something it has a lot of weight. He is doing well as far as I know. Happy when I talk to him on the phone. Loving his home cooked meals. But I am sure my sister will contact me soon with how miserable he is soon. It might take another 2 weeks for her to visit, but I am sure I will hear about it. Be well. :)
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Dear vickyann ;I know right I just love this ,it's nice enough to hear from actual people who are liveing in the same situation as we are.... I hope your Dad is doing good .
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I love this site. Thank you for taking the time to respond with your personal experience and making me ask myself certain questions or learn from what you have shared. Priceless.
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Dear vickyann; sibling rivalry runs skin deep , you did the right thing getting all the help from your family that you can .You are only human,you can't do everything you are NOT a robot ,you are a Good daughter! let your sister say whatever she wants .....YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU,no matter what anyone says!!! Some times others have to insult people because they are feeling soooo GUILTY for not always doing the right thing..So know in your heart that YOU ARE GOOD !!!! P.S.that is why I do not go on face book it's just a bunch of Drama!!
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Dear vickyann; sibling rivalry runs skin deep , you did the right thing getting all the help from your family that you can .You are only human,you can't do everything you are NOT a robot ,you are a Good daughter! let your sister say whatever she wants .....YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU,no matter what anyone says!!! Some times others have to insult people because they are feeling soooo GUILTY for not always doing the right thing..So know in your heart that YOU ARE GOOD !!!! P.S.that is why I do not go on face book it's just a bunch of Drama!!
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I have been guilty of that kind of "selfless" thinking on occasion too and it never did turn out well.

You do realise that your dad will get worse and need more care eventually, don't you. Do you really think that your sis is up to this? It sounds like she is somewhat narcissistic - certainly has some strange views about family. Does she want control of him?

As POA you are bound to act in his best interests, as well as according to his wishes. If his wishes, as you interpret them, are not in his best interests, I think what is best for him trumps what he wants. We see many here who work against the wishes of their parents in order to place them somewhere safe and where they are well cared for. Their care is what is most important.

The switch from being a daughter or son who acts to please a parent, to being an adult who acts in the interests of another adult, a parent, who is not capable of making good decisions for himself is not easy or comfortable. But, the point comes where we have to do it.

I have a sis who likes to bad mouth me and interfere, though she certainly would not do any work. My mother is narcissistic and she and sis side with one another, yet mother appointed me POA medical and health. I have had to make decisions that went against what both of them wanted at the moment, but they were in my mother's best interests,. There was flack which was stressful, but whatever. I knew then and know now that I made the right decisions. I keep contact between me and my sis to a minimum. I don't need the abuse. All the best and let us know how it works out.
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I think you already know what you will have to do and that is place Dad in some kind of custodial care. presumably he has little money so he will need Medicare. You clearly don't want the responsibility of 24/7 care in your home and that would not be advisable anyway. Your sister will soon get tired of the full time responsibility so plan for Dad's next step after that.
Usually when relatives want full responsibility it is because they want control of the money so having POA make sure that does not happen. Make her provide bills etc for everything she spends before you compensate her. You will need that evidence for Medicaid anyway.
Your step mom sounds like an angel but clearly was not functioning too well either if she let the house get into that condition. You certainly did the loving thing by her. Being on life support is no fun for anyway even though it is always a difficult decision to turn everything off.
Don't do any thing in a big hurry the pain of your step mom's death is still very raw.
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Bless you for what you do. Your story is almost a mirror image of mine. My Dad and his wife lived in Missouri, and I live in Arizona. His wife had a lingering illness and the day she passed away, Dad was in intensive care with Pneumonia. I moved Dad back to Arizona to live with us. He has been happy with us for 4 years and is now 96-years-old. No help from my siblings. I just try not to think about them.
Blessings,
Jamie
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Your siblings need a dose of reality. Your sister needs to be placed on as his immediate full time caregiver. That would probably last two minutes, but it needs to happen. Those who spend no time with aging folks are the most critical and clueless.
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When she said no, I left it up to her. I see her as a "Facebook moment person". Pictures and statuses show what a caring, loving human being she is...even if those closest to her believe it is incorrect. I think I brought her into it, because I felt my Dad deserves a relationship with anyone that wants it. When we were young children she vied for my Dad's attention. I think he benefits from as many people that want to give him attention for whatever reasons, whether noble or shallow. For years she just said, I want Dad to come live with me so I can take care of him. I am a writer, a painter, a photographer and very interested in the Music community. I have been a parent since the age 19. My youngest son just graduated and is off to college. Taking care of a parent was never my goal. She accused Marlene for years of trying to kill my Dad. How? I don't know? The data suggests she was the main reason he was alive. He reversed diabetes under her care and despite the abuse from him and everyone else, my Step Mom held steadfast. My Dad loves all three of us I think, no matter what we do. At least I would if I was a Dad. I want my Dad to be taken care of. I am bold enough to know that I have followed his wishes even when what he wanted wasn't possible and done what was right even when it was his last resort. I am weak enough to know that if she now really wants him to live with her I will probably let it happen. I think being his POA i'm a fighter for what he said he wants even when he doesn't remember. Her house might be better for him than living on his own? Confused.
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