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Sister demanding I drive down from out-of -State, pick up my Alz Mom from Assisted Living facility and bring her to my house for Xmas. Couple things... we (my husband, children and I) have already made plans to visit the weekend after Christmas. Also the last time my Mom traveled she was extremely confused. Wandering around my brothers house and saying she wanted to go home. I’m afraid that
My Mom would wander out and fall down my stairs. I think she would be miserable! She didn’t even like to visit my house when she didn’t have dementia! Am I off base?

My sister and I already have a strenuous relationship. She is determined to micro manage my relationship with my Mother. I help as much as I can being that I live 2 1/2 hours away. My Mom was only diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last month. She has been in the assisted living facility for a month and a day.

How do I handle my controlling sister without getting into a fight?

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The relationship might not change, but your attitude can. Think about why she's trying to dominate you and how you feel about it, and how you respond. Follow Kimber's advice. You don't need to let her dominate the relationship, but you're the one who has to stand up to her.
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I think I'd tell Sis that it is NOT recommended to take AL clients "home for the holidays" because it increases their confusion. I'm sure mom's AL has lots of nice activities planned; tell Sis that there is NO need to feel guilty that mom won't "be someplace" for Christmas. She's right where she needs to be.

Your family's journey with dementia is just starting; sets boundaries now and pay sis's guilt driven antics no mind. Try to understand that controlling behavior usually comes from place of anxiety.
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I don't have a problem telling her when I will visit. I just can't give her the exact dates for the next 6 months as she has requested. I'm coming out the weekend after Christmas and I told her I would come out in January to help pack up my Mom's house with my Brother and am waiting for a date from them on that.
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Also, Lolo, don't every time she's crabby imagine that it's really all about anything you've done or not done. She probably would like everything to be mapped out and organised and predictable, and finds it frustrating when they can't be or anyway aren't or anyway don't turn out exactly how she'd like them to. Tough, that's life!

But you can quite easily do some of the things that would help (why wouldn't you tell her when you plan to visit?) - just don't always feel you have to jump to order. Being supportive and sympathetic doesn't mean you always have to agree or comply.
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Yeah, you are right. I have to let go of the hope that she and I can have a close relationship.
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She doesn't have to control you - it sounds like you need help with boundaries. When she starts in on you "i have already told you what we are going to do, i'm not willing to discuss this further. It has been nice talking with you" and HANG UP. You probably listen to her berating you and try to justify yourself hoping she will see things your way.

She isn't going to change - so you need to. Role play (my therapist was great with this) calmly stating what you are going to do, do not get into further explanations that can get argued away, and hang up if your sister starts in. Good luck!!
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I've been on this merry-go-round with her forever. Always hoping the outcome will be different. Its the definition of insanity.
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Let your sister micromanage anything she wants while you and your family plan on doing what you were already going to do. Your sister needs to be in control and it probably drives her to fits when she can't control something. She's like the director of a play and everyone else are actors. She wants everyone in their place, she arranges the set to suit her design and when people don't want to be treated that way the play doesn't come off very well and sister gets upset. But this is all HER stuff, not yours. 

Take care of your family, do what you want to do on Christmas, and let your sister twist in the wind if she wants to. That's HER option.

And if bringing mom home was not a good idea previously don't do it again. You're allowed to NOT do what your sister wants you to do. If you two have trouble communicating stick to email.
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Tell your sister you've got things handled. If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to come over. You don't want confrontation. Your mom won't know the difference holiday or not.
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I know... my sister and I have ALWAYS had a love/hate relationship. So obviously that isn't going to change now. I guess I REALLY don't want to fight with her and become estranged but sometimes feel its unavoidable.

She paints me as the neglectful daughter and I don't feel like that is fair. I haven't earned that label. I love my Mom and I want to come and visit her as much as I can. My Sister is demanding I come out twice a month and give her my dates in advance. I have been out to visit my Mom at least 5 times since this past September. We had quite a few crisis with my Mom and getting her into Assisted Living. I was there whenever I was needed. So my feelings are hurt now at being treated like a dead beat.
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Your controlling sister... Does your sister have control of your car keys?

No. So she can demand all she likes, you will not be driving down to collect your mother.

You have come up with a sensible and better plan, to visit your mother at the ALF, which a) suits you and b) MUCH more to the point will not disrupt your mother's new routine during this crucial settling in period.

So for those two excellent reasons, just say no.
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If Mom is in a good care community which is meeting her needs and she has only been there a month or so....personally taking her out for an extended period does NOT sound like a good idea. She needs to adjust to her new home. This is like visiting a homesick kid at camp - it just makes the homesick part worse for the camper and they won't adjust. Stick to your plans for your visit after Christmas. As far as fighting with you sister....it takes two. One to "pick" and one to "bellow". If you don't "bellow", I imagine her "picking" will decrease.
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