Was a caregiver to my sister and Mom, now a caregiver to my husband. My Dad thinks he needs to be cared for. Any advice?

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I need some advice, please. I am at the end of my rope. There is an 11 year age gap between my sister and I. Our father was present in her life and always said she was her favorite (I am so o.k. with that). While growing up, my father was pretty much absent in my life and my mother's. No biggie. My mom made up for it. He only cared about himself-going to the bars with friends, golfing, going on hunting trips out of state, and then he became "depressed" because his business failed and he was left bankrupt. His solution, stay home and sleep or go to his mother's house so she could make him lunch. So who worked and went to school full-time - yep me. My mom was able to find work...guess who had to take and pick her up from work-yep-it started because dad would not pick her up (she did not know how to drive). Everything has always been about dad and he loves to "cry wolf".
My only sister passed away 3 years ago from colon cancer. Her husband and grown children would not accompany or take her to doctors appointments and treatments out of town, so guess who did..my husband and I. During this time, my mom was diagnosed with lung and neck cancer. If it had not been for me, my father would have never taken my mother to the doctor when she began having symptoms. Who took her? Yep, my husband and I. My husband and I talked about it and knew dad would not take care of her so we moved in with them. So, the whole time mom was treated for cancer, I took care of her. I took her to her appointments, treatments, and stayed with her numerous times at the hospital, cooked and cleaned for her, paid her bills, etc. She ended up with brain aneurysms and the cancer spread to her brain and bones. During this time my husband was diagnosed with several diseases and became disabled. I take care of him now (he is no problem at all).
Throughout the years, I witnessed my father verbally and physically abuse my mother. My mother was the sweetest person you could ever meet and always helped others.
When we found out my mom's cancer spread this last time, my father basically told my husband he did not want to have to deal with it. (Dad became quite jealous because we took really good care of mom-nothing was wrong with him). While I was at work, my mom started having seizures and my husband found her. He asked my dad to call 911, dad said she was o.k. The month before she died, my husband witnessed my father calling my mother the "b" word several times. Broke my heart, I can't imagine how she felt. Unknown to us, mom developed sepsis. For three weeks we went back and forth to the hospital to which they said it was COPD. My father would not sleep downstairs with my mom to keep an eye on her (she could not walk up the stairs at that point). So, my husband and I did. Mom ended up at the hospital and had to be resuscitated and put on a ventilator. Mom always told me she did not want to live like a vegetable. Doc told me that if even if she made it through the sepsis, the cancer would kill her. So, who made the decision to take her off life support..not dad..me. It was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done. I did not want her to leave but I was not going to let her suffer. After she passed, dad said to me, "Well, all I have is you". His family showed up but like always, he did not want to deal with them and left me there. Tired of it, I went and grabbed him out of his vehicle and told him to deal with them.
Immediately, my dad thought he "moved" into mom's place..meaning, I care for him now-call in his prescriptions, make and take him to appointments, call and make his reservations for his trips, pay his bills, make him dinner, clean up after him. The only thing wrong with him is high blood pressure & he takes meds for it-it is controlled. He also works and drives. He has "faked" several accidents at home. Of course, they are all done when we are out running errands. Dad has always been an "unkept" person-meaning he might take a bath once a month. His living habits are gross. He likes to cough all over you, your drink, your food, without covering his mouth. In front of other people, he will cover his mouth. He loves to pick his nose in front of you and wipe his finger on things, he leaves the gum he is chewing sitting on the counter, table, etc. He does not wash his hands and will even use those hands to food that we all eat. His body odor is horrendous-mom covered it up good. He has kicked our dog and she now has a bad knee. My husband and I can't take it anymore. We have resorted to living in our bedroom and I am tired of trying to keep our home clean and maintained because my father won't do anything except germ it up. (I inherited my mom's half of the house). I am at the end of my rope. I would never do anything to hurt my father but I avoid & want absolutely nothing to do with him. My mom loved her home and I hate to leave it but I can't stand dad. Advice? Am I wrong, crazy?

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Yes, it makes sense. It drives me insane. I am in my 40's. The kicker.....when I was a teenager he never asked me 20 questions but then he was more concerned about himself at that time. My mother didn't even ask me 20 questions when I was a teen...she knew my friends and that I would always be home at a decent hour.
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Katiepresley, the household has resorted back to *parent-child* dynamics.... one reason for the 20 questions.
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I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. My husband and I thought we are going crazy. There is so much more my father has done...we can't even leave the house or come back without being asked 20 questions...where are you going? When will you be back, etc. and if we run errands and have bags of items, he will go through them. Same with the mail-our Mail!! And the sad part, he will not display his nasty habits in front of other people. We can't have our friends or my in-laws over because we are embarrassed. He has his coworkers fooled into making him meals!!! There is nothing wrong with him and we have a house full of food, I know. I pay the bill.
Thank you, thank you!!! I don't have anyone besides my husband to talk to about this. I am so grateful I found this site.
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Sorry for typo - get him into an institution.
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Your father is perfectly able-bodied - just a lazy spoiled brat who will try to con you into being his domestic slave. Your first responsibility is to your self and your husband. He sounds like a wonderful man - take good care of him and yourself. As for Dad, time he grew up - really in this day and age an able bodied adult should be able to do basic cooking, cleaning, etc. Sounds like he is a real health menace - if he doesn't shape up and take reasonable care of himself, report him as a danger to self and others (his nasty habits are dangerous) and get into an institution. I'd tell him to stop acting like a two year-old. Well, actually I'd say something that I can't repeat on this site.
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Your mom wouldn't want you continuing this situation. She'd tell you a house is just a house, and your home is the apartment that you, your husband and dog move into. If this situation is so bad while he's driving, working and only has high bp, it'll be horrid as he develops health issues. Move out now while he can live independently so it'll be easier to deal with the future stages.

And what seems to be one of the AC mantras....boundaries, detachment.
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You have paid your debt to family and then some. No, this one belongs in Memory Care. Abuse is where you draw the line. Get the Guardianship and get him placed in a safe facility.
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Your dad sounds like he's still a little boy on the inside whose basically wanted to play but not really be involved in the family responsibilities of his life and is angry because no one is left to take care of him when he needs to and evidently is able to take care of himself.

Frankly, you owe him nothing other than respect and looking to see if he is safe and caring for himself. Other than that, it is not up to you and your sick husband to enable his dependency. Since he's able, he needs to take responsibility for taking care of himself for no one is going to be his mommy anymore.

Ya''ll need to find somewhere to go, get out from underneath being in such an emotionally dependent environment of being in his house and take your dog with you when you leave.
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You, hubby, and your dog need to move out of your parent's home. Give your Dad 30 day notice and start packing. If your Dad is able to drive and go to work, he is able to learn how to clean, do laundry, get groceries and heat up a meal for himself.

From what you described, I hate to say this but he was a spoil brat who was angry at his wife because she became seriously ill. Sad to say that all started when he was growing up with his own mother spoiling him. You need to stop the cycle.
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