Family of resident does not want resident in memory care visiting with caregiver live in girlfriend . A notice of no trespass was issued to caregiver so families can decide best interest of resident. No time span has been given? Resident’s last conversation with caregiver was that he loved her and could not be with another resident bc of his love. He did become anxious during last visit with girlfriend and mentioned family members name. Resident was taken by caregiver to nurse whom indicated resident had an anxiety attack. Caregiver/girlfriend waited for results and resident kissed caregiver:girlfriend goodbye appearing and stating he was ok. Resident is strained between girlfriend/caregiver and family. He was isolated from caregiver before admission and Caregiver’s phone number was blocked/diverted , no photos or mention of his relationship with girlfriend/caregiver were given and he was placed in a memory care unit. Resident sent caregiver:girlfriend a video of where he was with him in the video shown sending it to caregiver. Caregiver tried to visit and was told family said no, caregiver called ombudsman and visit 4 times in which family told resident of their disapproval causing a strain on resident. Caregiver took resident to treatment to inform that resident stated pictures and cards sent from caregiver were torn up for resident to forget caregiver. We would see each other in May if family approved . Family did not approve in May, June and July, month of residents birthday caregiver asked Memory Csre staff that said caregiver could visit if resident was amenable then the above anxiety happened when caregiver informed family of resident not being able to have a relationship with another resident bc of residents love for caregiver. What should I do ? I love him, he loved me?
I recommend a visit with an attorney. There, options can be discussed.
You knew you were hired to be his caretaker, but you allowed yourself to develop feelings for him? At one point you said he was "like a baby" to you because you took care of him for so long. This is not normal. The family is right to keep you away from him, and it sounds like they might have to get an actual restraining order. I would really suggest that you get some psychological help to process your situation and move on.
There is (apparently) no formalized relationship under the law to protect you/or"caretaker": no designation as legal significant other with POA.
You were considered a "hired" caretaker, apparently, by the family at best, or a person who "took advantage" of their fragile loved one at worst.
They have apparently decided that your visits now constitute a danger to their loved one, who is agitated and torn and upset by them.
And apparently the family is now in charge of the loved one's decisions by law and through the powers of POA or Guardianship.
You certainly are free to consult an attorney about all of this, but I think it a hopeless case. You/or "caretaker" were, as you term it a caretaker. The loved one no longer needs a "caretaker" because the loved one IS in in-facility care, and the management of said care seems to be legally in the purview of family members at this time.
You might want to suggest supervised visits so that you can build a trust with the family.
That said I do have other thoughts.
If you are going to continue to have a career of caregiving you HAVE to establish boundaries and adhere to them,
You can not have romantic relationships with CLIENTS / PATIENTS.
If you ever find yourself getting involved in that respect you have to step away and resign from that JOB.
Establishing boundaries is important to protect yourself from accusations of financial, emotional, and yes even physical abuse.
As to this particular CLIENT / PATIENT...he is in Memory Care. He will forget you eventually just as he will forget others in his life. I suggest that you allow his memory of you fade gently and not in midst of family arguing. Move on with your life but please learn from this, do not get this involved with a client.
please advise
That is different from what you wrote above. I'm not trying to entrap you, just to show that in his decline he has had conflicting feelings regarding you and your relationship so there is at least some validity from the family's point of view for letting the relationship go.
In 14 years together there was time to get legal documents and financial paperwork in place that would have given you rights in this situation, even without being married. But for whatever reasons, you and he chose not to do this.
I understand your sadness and your sense that this is unfair. Fourteen years is a long time, especially with the work of caregiving that you did. It must be quite heartbreaking. Unfortunately with no marriage and no legal arrangements in place prior to his placement in memory care, your only alternative would be an expensive lawsuit and it might be difficult to even find an attorney who would take the case. Maybe over time his family will soften their hearts and appreciate all that you did for him. In the meantime, I think you need to accept the reality that the relationship is over, and work through the grief. I'm sorry your situation has ended up this way.
in response to your response of 9/21/25, I want you to know that you may have misunderstood my report from June 2025. I had written this message request looking for support when I attempted to visit as he snd I agreed in May. Remember, our first visit was January 7, 2025 after the Ombudsman had met with him. I previously was informed I was disallowed visitation bc family did not want me to. He left 8-11/25. His phone was blocked from me, no communication or correspondence and knowledge of his whereabouts was given to me, isolation , I called Alzheimer’s hotline daily , nightly for guidance . I cared for him since 2017 diagnose , with him 24/7. We love each other. I broke the block while out of country November 2023 and he told me he loved me, missed me and was in a nursing home and wanted me to visit . I returned home and was told no, I was also told that the facility took out an Abuse Prevention order. I called Elders Affairs and reported abuse of me and was directed to report abuse of him, I did, but cancelled bc I didn’t want to cause upset to his family or him, even though I know it was I. His in best interest, I wrote a 6 page type written letter of apology for words that I had spoken to their father that I should not have. I prophetically begged for forgiveness. I miss him I love him and I k is from our lady visit that he loves me… feelings were felt. Words of love said. I attend support groups, zoom seminars, and belong to an online support group for LBD . I don’t know what to do . He will surely forget me without contact I am 71 and he is 74. I am not sure if religion has Nything to do with it? I had brought a crucifix to put in his wall b. He asked for one and rosary beads… the priest and I prayed over them Blessed them and I gave them to him at our last visit the reason I am not allowed to see him at this time is because the family wants me to refrain . I am not sure if a Notice of No Contact still exist? I only want him to know I love him and will always. I want to be with him through this, please advise.
I believe in prayer. Hopefully your prayers will be answered. I have always looked at my life as a learning experience. What does God want me to learn from this. Right now I am going thru something asking that question and the answer I got was I was not the one who is suppose to learn something, the other person is. So, I am waiting patiently (which is not one of my virtues) to see where this will lead.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/can-family-members-keep-me-away-from-my-dementia-loved-one-if-we-are-not-married--i-had-been-his-pri-494165.htm
I am sorry you are going through this. Who has POA? If someone in the family, he gave them full control to make decisions for him when he no long can. You may have been his Caregiver before he was placed but unless married, you have no rights. The POA has the ability to have you trespassed. Not sure if a lawyer can help if this man has been declared incompetent to make informed decisions.
I did report my being abused and advised to report him also but declined and withdrew.
Just to be able to visit your partner? I agree with others who have suggested this is something for an attorney to review.
Also, please note that we are well aware we are only getting one side of the story. The family may have legitimate reasons why they are blocking you, and you are not disclosing all the facts to us. We often read posts by family who are trying to protect their LOs from golddiggers and partners who don't understand dementia and whose visits just upset the LO and prevent them from adjusting to their new facility care.
If you have a good, strong case, and money, then a lawyer will be able to help you. But this may result is a fight for guardianship for your BF. Also very expensive -- and you need to be careful what you wish for: you will be taking care of someone with progressive decline and wind up having no life if you think you will provide 100% of his care (and he doesn't have a the funds to pay for aids when you eventually become burnt out).
Please contact an attorney.
I Am not sure if money is their concern to get mine? I am financially secure. He had a house in Florida mine was near his family in Massachusetts. We have been spending winters in Florida and summers in Massachusetts. I was promised to buy the house we shared in Florida bc I became attached to the neighborhood and lifestyle , but when he declined family reneged . I was then promised the vehicle we shared that belonged to him but it was given yo a grandchild . I ended up buying my own house in the same neighborhood and car.. only it was his dream to retire their with me.. and it became my dream … that I can’t seem to get there . I bought in 2023. Him and I stayed at the place we had been sharing December 2023 until August 11, 2024. My place remained empty.
The family will tell people that we fight and he needs peace. He never once told me he was unhappy, sure we had differences .. I was with him 24/7… I attend support groups, follow LBD online zoom presentations , see a psychiatrist , follow dementia quoras daily and have been I. Therapy the past few months. I will pray … I don’t trust anyone