My mom is 91 years old and until June of this year lived pretty much independently in a sr living apartment. She kept falling broke a hip and now at nursing home since she was there for short term rehab for the hip and for her safety is there permanently. Shes had 2 stokes in the past also but still lived on her own. In June she fell 4 times in 7 days and was in the ER 4 times. I go visit her every other day and almost every visit ends up w her mad at me "for putting her in this place" .I'm the only in the family that even comes to visit her as I have 2 brothers that don't. Today, for Christmas Day I brought her a traditional Christmas meal and desserts and gifts and she ended up ruining it by saying she was moving, asking me why I put her there telling me her son's don't visit her cause they dont won't to be associated w me putting her in there and so on . I pleaded w her to make today be a good day but she just kept going on and on so I left. I have decided I dont need to stay and take that. My other brothers agreed she needed to go to a place where she got more help and wouldn't be falling all the time. Everything decision I've made for her medically and financially ive informed them about and ask their opinion . No matter what I do for her she throws it in my face. I also do her laundry for her vs the facility doing it too. I don't mind doing any of things for her or even visiting her but I refuse to be guilted by her. Today was ruined by her and possibly the last Christmas I will have w my Mom. She also goes on and on about putting stuff on my dad's grave. I did it for Memorial Day basically to get her to stop but told her I don't do that as I remember people for when they were alive and not buried in the ground. She goes on and on about it but never once picks up the phone to ask my brothers to do it and when I tell her to call them about it she acts like she doesn't hear me or understand me.I know she has memory issues but I honesty believe she is being very manipulative also. I feel bad when I leave but feel I need to still stand up for myself and not be guilted or manipulated into what she wants She can't live alone due to she can't walk or stand long. I know she's having a hard time accepting this move. I have thought of not visiting her as often. Maybe if she sits there alone w no one she realize what she's doing to me. She also had a chance to move to a memory care place w more of an apartment style setting and she refused. So no matter what is offered she refuses. When I try to give her options or solutions to any of her complaints she refuses them. Nothing makes her happy.
In the last years of his life, my brother, who died in ALF at 85, said "You know hon, it's a bit like the army. I don't much like it but I make the best of it".
Mom decided that she's gonna make the worst of it.
So be it.
Get on with your life.
Let mom know that your visits don't seem to make her happier, and you are therefore going to cut back on them and do things that DO make you happy, because you
ARE RESPONSIBLE for you OWN happiness.
Now get to it.
As for your brother saying to change facilities so your Mom will fall less. Your Mom is going to fall no matter where she lives. She could be in a room full of doctors/nurses/aids and still fall. It happens so quickly.
My Mom was a major fall risk, as she could no longer remember how to stand/walk but she was determined to get out of her reclining wheel chair. The only thing that slowed her down was when a nurse put a pillow under her knees. Mom would try to pull that pillow out but it was almost impossible. Whew !! That helped.
One of the things I learned from my relationship with my mother at the end of her life is that you cannot make a 94 year old "happy". This stage of life is not a happy time, it is a time of great loss and impending death, and there is no fixing this. I also realized that I was not responsible for my mother's happiness or lack thereof. It was up to her to have a decent attitude about her life in the nursing home. She died last year in the facility. She was angry until the end and took a lot of it out on me. In looking back, don't have any regrets in how my family handled our mother's end of life.
She can stew in her own juices for a while. You did a what was best for her with input from your brothers. You really don’t need to explain to us— we get it and support you.
My MIL meanwhile was hysterically crying (I made a post in discussions) and it’s been chaos. Someone will need to call her to soothe it over (it was just a mess anyway and then add in her component and today fell apart and now she is alone for Christmas), but no one wants to deal with the horrible toxicity that is coming their way.
It’s probably going to be me who gets it (and it’s fine because I have heart failure so she knows I will stay super chill because I can’t invest any emotion into it) so I’m waiting for like another hour hoping she has worn herself out by then and can receive the information.
Meanwhile, I’m sure she will tell everyone how horrible we are. (It was just bad luck for all that this year happened this way).
is this a drastic personality change, of has she always been difficult?
I'm so sorry for how your Mom is treating you and all the frustration you are experiencing with your brother. There's a popular saying here on this forum, that dementia means there is no more happy for that person.
I think educating yourself more about how dementia changes our LOs and strategies to engage with them will help you. I learned a lot from Teepa Snow videos on YouTube.
Tell mother you're leaving the moment her histrionics kick in, and you'll be back when shes in a better mood. I did that myself enough times to where she'd stop carrying on if she wanted company. Simple enough. We shouldn't have to become upset and unnerved because they are old and unable to live alone. We didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we sure can't control it or we would.
Dementia creates a no win situation for all concerned. Don't jump down the rabbit hole WITH your mother. Come up with strategies to protect yourself. And realize you'll STILL cry on the way home. I know I did.
Best of luck to you.
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