Not wanting to visit my Mum anymore in a care home. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Not wanting to visit my Mum anymore in a care home. Any advice?

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I'm now fed up, I have dealt with my mum's affairs for the last four years, without any help from my one sister who lives abroad, now my mum is constantly leaving me phone mesages, trying to make me feel guilty because I have not been in for the past 2 weeks, I feel now I have had enough of emotional blackmail, I also have my life, work full time how can I send pocket money in without visiting, I'm just sick of the response when I do visited. Hello Stanger, leaving messages like am I I'll? I'm now fed uo" please help!

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Thank you all for your replies. This is a great support site! Thanks for the options it makes you realise how much people go through, my phone has been switched off for most of the weekend! I think my number will be changed again due to the emotional abuse, and also. An 88 who goes on Facebook, yes she can successfully write on her own wall about me! Another put down! So she may be blocked. If this continues, I have changed my settings so she can not see my posts!
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Visited my mother today ... agitated, tho barely able to speak, on about going "somewhere else" to live (can't even sit up,demented and in diapers), wants money to make phone calls ... can barely speak, reckons a long ago friend or a brother in law (now 80) she hasn't seen in 40 years, 3000 miles away, will take her in and care for her 24/7.

She wants my phone number ...nope, got rid of it long ago ... actually just changed the number and made it unlisted as her daily screaming abusive calls drove me into a nervous breakdown 18 months ago.

When I visit I bring chocolates ... about all she'll eat ... open apple juice and bottled water and leave. She was concerned about having no cash on hand. She doesn't need it and has $300 in the office at her disposal ... I filled her coin purse. Most days she just sleeps all the time but today agitation and crazies ... there's a man who came to visit with me sleeping under her bed, wondering how her parents are (she never lifted a finger to help them and they've been dead 40 some years).

I've recently become tough and stand no nonsense from her. She's been the mother from hell my whole life. I despise her and just wish she'd die but these evil old monsters just hang on and on. Visit if you wish, ensure she is safe and cared for and get on with your life.
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I know you will cave in and go back to see her, but do what worked for my sister in law. Take someone with you. Ma always puts her happy face on for visitors, but emotionally beats her daughter to a pulp if nobody is with her. As long as there is another person there, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
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Make your visits fairly regular (it sounds like you are satisfied with the care she is getting, so you don't have to visit irregularly to "watchdog" it) and absolutely non-contingent on Mom's calls. Once a week might be fine. Short and sweet might be fine. Sometimes having "chores" to do for her can be the purpose of the visit and also help keep it focused and not turning into a big complaint session for her and guilt-fest for you.

Do something you CAN do that she will like, that won't bankrupt you in either time or money, or emotionally. Forget about sister, just do what works for you, and if there is any chance there is some little event or something Mom would enjoy and let you make a good memory instead of all the fussing and fuming, go for it.
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Your mother harasses you because she knows she can get away with it; your other sister isn't even close enough to visit, so harassment would be ineffectived.

Take Windy's advice and find ways to offer support without going to visit her. Given that she's so rude to you, I don't think it's beyond self respect to tell her the next time she makes a snide remark about leaving messages, not visiting, etc., to just very, very sweetly say something like (a) she hurts your feelings so much you don't feel comfortable visiting her any more, or (b) your doctor said that her negative comments are causing you emotional upset....just something to throw back her criticism right in her face. Play her game, but distance yourself.
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Thanks Windyridge, yes it is certainly looking that way more and more! Thank you.
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Make it very clear to her. If she treats you like crap, you ain't coming back. You can arrange with the facility for petty cash and other needs with little or no interaction with mom.
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