Not sure what to do with visiting relatives. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Not sure what to do with visiting relatives. Any advice?

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I am the primary caregiver to my MIL (84). She was invited to a wedding (my husband's god daughter) but we weren't invited. The last time there was a wedding (my husband's niece) I got MIL ready, bought the dress, tailored the dress,got her dressed, hair and all ( I was concerned about her in pictures) This wedding we went to, but we were outcast and SIL took all the credit for MIL's appearance. It's been six years since that wedding and the family ties have not gotten better (actually worse). The dilemma is, MIL flooded her home so she is staying with us and the home is not safe to use. The relatives originally were going to take over the caregiving for that weekend and stay in her home, but now are not sure what to do. I said that we made plans and they are welcome to MIL but they are not welcome at our home, especially if we are not there. You see, regardless we are still taking that weekend, I have a very trust worthy caregiver available. SIL point blank said so MIL can't go to the wedding if the home isn't ready. I again explained that they were welcome to pick her up before we leave and bring her back when we get home, but if they can't make that happen then I guess, no she can't go. SIL explain that she would remain hopeful the home will be completed by the wedding (it won't) and she will wait till the last minute to book a hotel. Now I am also the person supervising the completion of the home, SIL knows that. I don't know what to do....What this all translates down to and how SIL will explain it is....MIL can't go to the wedding cause I won't let her.

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Your profile says that MIL has dementia. Unless she is at the VERY early stages of this disease, it may not be the best idea to move her to hotels rooms and out of her environment. It seems to me that (knowing your MIL's condition) it is the inviter's responsibility to make arrangements. Has your MIL talked about this event? Does she even know it is coming up?
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Congrats, at first I thought "what problem does this person have" until the end. I think ur handling everything very well. I would make sure someone else is aware of your plans. Not much you r going to do about SIL.
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Ahhhh, I had the same problem with siblings painting things in a very ugly light when talking to Dad on the phone when he lived with me. It got very ugly a few times, & poor Dad would ask me to give in (i.e., get things out of his house & take them to them) & even questioned me over & over about his money bc of their accusations, to the point of demanding to see his bank statements. Then he would sit in his chair for an hour looking at something that made no sense to him. Some of it still goes on, but at least it's not in my home now since he's in Memory Care. I'm sorry you're going thru this.
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Madzeena, all I can say is that you are the only one who takes care of Mom or really cares what her condition really is like. They just don't know and don't care what the dementia process is like and can't be bothered to find out.

Check Mom out of MC, find a cab that can accommodate a WC or wrangle her into your car "Where are we going? You are hurting me. Who is this man am I being kidnapped? I haven't had my breakfast." Get to the air port find a parking space, wrangle Mom into her wheel chair, push her across the road to the terminal. " Why are we here one of these cars will hit us . Why do they drive so fast?" Find your check in point and stand in line for that. 

Mom drops her purse and all sorts of interesting things roll out onto the floor. People offer to help. " No sir don't touch THAT I"ll get it." get up to the window and hand over your luggage. Mom screams "That girl took my bag and threw it in the garbage"

Oh I forgot the security line, can't remember which comes first as I haven't flown in ten years.

Long line for that of course but finally it's your turn. You try and push Mom through the security gate and all the bells and whistles go off. Step aside Ma'm I will take the lady "And pushes Mom aside. tells Mom to stand up. "She can't" you yell. 'We have to do a personal search she says and you follow her into a side room where she tries to question Mom without success. Mom looks around and decides she does not like the room, she wants her old one back. the official tells Mom to lift her skirt. "Zeena, Zeena" she yells " they are going to rape me they want to see my privates" "What is in that bag" the official asks. "Urine" you reply as politely as you can manage. "Well you will have to empty it You can only take three ounces of liquid onto the plane and the bag says 12 ounces. go to the rest room and come back here"

Off you go and complete the task and back to the room, but by then another victim had been selected and you get back in line and place your purses on the conveyer belt and hold your breath. The official opens Moms bag takes one sniff and snaps it shut!

Now onto the plane but i won't go on to discribe that circus because I have already lost most of my readers.
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MIL does not want to go that is the bottom line. Convey that to SIL. Maybe even get a note from MIL's Dr saying she should not go because of her dementia. Do you or your hubby have POA by the way.
Tell the caregiver to keep all the doors locked so if they show up she can tell them you instructed her not to let them in and slip a copy of the Dr's not under the door, plus a copy of your instructions to the caregiver. If they start to make a scene or try to break in call the police immediately. They have no right to be on your property.

I don't know what your solution to the long term care of MIL can be but clearly professionals need to be involved . look at some of the facilities in your area and visit the one of your choice and have tour and if possible a meal. If you can get MIL to go with you to a second meal that would be good.
This is going to be extremely difficult for MIL and the family and maybe medications may be needed in the short term. If you succeed in getting her into a facility be prepared for them to ask you not to visit for the first few weeks while she gets used to her new environment.

Or you can just go on the way you have been till you are totally burned out.
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Hi Surprise, Thank you, yes I have POA and her son (my husband) is her back up. Your insight gave merit to my line of logic, thank you. Already had to take down Chase for letting them put their name joint on her account. She wouldn't sign the paper cause I wasn't there and my name is on her account as POA. The bank simply complied with their wishes and wrote on the forms MIL and I was supposed to sign "signature on file". Unbelievable, I go to the bank with all the bells and whistles and I'm treated like a criminal. They go with picture ID and a handicapped child and the bank hands them the keys. They are diabolical.
The contractor said it would be a miracle if the house was done by the 15th. So they have nowhere to stay...this is going to be interesting.
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Wow, Lovestinks, I have felt so alone dealing with crazy in denial relatives. There also is a family wedding approaching for us. In DC. We live in Wisconsin. My mom is in Memory Care. I just stuck to a mantra that 'my mom should not go to the wedding.' I sounded like a broken record. In the past three months I've been accused of being too negative, a bad sister, not helpful, selfish, and the clincher was being accused of being a bully. All because I made my mom's well being the priority. Do I feel I bad that my mom can't go to the wedding? Yes. Does she care? No. Most days she thinks it already happened. Being an advocate for my mom is not rewarding -- only exhausting and demoralizing when the person your pushing back against is a family member.
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Lovestinks, you have a crummy set of relatives. :) You knew that. But seriously, if they have a disabled son, they know the ins and outs of getting money out of the government through SSI, disability, etc. With your mom in their possession, they could go to a bad lawyer and get mom to sign a POA to them, so you have no say whatsoever and could potentially never have her back. You'd have to sue to prove she was incompetent when she signed the document. Not cool.

With this knowledge, don't let them in and I would not trust a caregiver not to let them with lots of guilt application. In fact, if you have not taken mom to get a POA naming yourself, do that this week, and go by her bank and get put on her bank accounts - all of them - while you have her out. Banks use a different form that has to be done in the bank. It's a horrible run around, but a huge amount of protection for her to have a trustworthy daughter on them. Does she have an existing POA? Does it name you or sister? If it has sister's name on it anywhere, even as a backup POA in case you can't fulfill your duties, I'd get mom to sign a new POA naming you as primary POA, and as backup, your husband or adult child who has sense about Auntie. POAs can be changed up until the person is incompetent, which is a pretty high standard. Rent a wheelchair to get mom to the atty. Seriously, with the stuff that I read about bad, non caretaker people, I would not put it past relatives who are pushy like this.

Rereading your note about what happened last time there was a wedding, I think they are *playing* you for free housing. Really, this is a God-child and you and your hubby are not invited? Mom can't come unless she puts them up in a room? Phoo. Tell them that mom has changed her mind, that she does not want to go, that no, the house is not available, and  no, they will not be able to visit that day as you now have medical appointments (medical expenses include fees for any of the activities of daily living for someone who can't do them on their own, according to the IRS rules. Thus, an appt to change mother's diaper counts as a medical appt. A stretch of logic, but for these people, fine). Lock the doors and don't let them in.
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So it's been a month. We ended up adjusting our plans so the relatives could pick her up and spend time with her. Unfortunately, it was only an hour or so. They push to get more but I stood firm and finally had our anniversary weekend together. It was wonderful. The house is still not completed. She is still living with us. I have been slowly trying to acclimate her back to her home, with much resistance. I'm working around my schedule and the contractor's schedule. It's murder. Off to do payroll....thank you everyone for your support. I don't have anyone to talk to cause my best friend is her son. Talking with him is hurting him so much, he is not doing well with his mother's decline.
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Try another respite they usually have many minimum stays of a week or two. With the flood her insurance may even pay for it. Then enjoy your weekend plus some. You deserve the break. Then other relatives would be able to visit her there.
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