Dear Aging Care friends,
I don't know what to do. As I have previously posted my parents live in assisted living. I am now catching up on their medical appointments that were canceled or postponed due to Covid. We are making some progress but my father has POA for may mother's healthcare and will not sign it over to me because she is his "responsibility". Which would be okay if he would actually follow through with the task. He only schedules appointments for himself and only takes care of himself. If I don't step in nothing will be done. Her glucometer(?) was not taken to be downloaded in 21 months. Neither one of them sees this as a problem. I now seem to be caught between the ALF and their doctor. I have told the doctor that I do not have legal authority to make decisions for my mom and they seem to not acknowledge what I am saying and forward all questions to me instead of my dad. Yes, my dad is clueless. The Doctor wants me to deliver verbal orders to ALF because she can't get hold of anyone there at ALF. (I am not joking.) I refused and gave the doctor the fax number at ALF nurses station. No other physician has ever requested anything like this before. The nurses at the ALF say that they have tried to get hold of the doctor but there is never a response. So now it is just "he said/she said". I would appreciate some good advice. Should I consult an elder care attorney? I am starting to get a little scared for myself. This is a mess.
Thanks,
Vel
Does the POA list a successor? Have you seen the document?
My dad is pretty set on the idea that he is in charge. I make the appointments for my mom because he doesn't always follow through. I have no problem taking them to their appts. now that everyone has been vaccinated. They both need help. I am not sure what to do because if I let my Dad go in exam room he just takes over the appointment and makes everything about him, instead of it being about her. After all it is her appointment. No one's ever said to him to be quiet or please stop talking etc. What goes on in my Dad's appointments I don't know because he is extremely secretive.
What I wanted to convey is that I think the doctor was wrong in saying what she said to me... I worked in health care for a long time. I know what can and can't be said to a patient's family. I have been considering guardianship for a while.
If Mom has Dementia she cannot assign you as POA. If she is your Dads and Dad is competent, he needs to assign someone else. As Alva said, you would need to apply for guardianship to override Dads POA. Does the AL have a Doctor associated with them? Dad may want to change over to that doctor.
This doctor is out of line for even communicating with you if you Mom has dementia and your Father is in charge by POA. You are right to refuse to do anything. You should inform her that your father has POA. If she cannot deal with him she should report this case to Adult Protective Services, something that YOU can also do. Tell the doctor not to call you again. Any doctor who asks you to give her verbal orders to another entity is so out of line that her license would be ripped out of her hands in a single second in my state.
So now you have a father who is apparently competent but will do nothing in charge of a mom who is not competent. My only advice is to call APS and report your Mom as a senior at risk because of your father's non cooperation in her care while he is current POA.
Meanwhile decide if you want guardianship. It is going to be a huge job. And perhaps costly to get. And if you father fights your getting it you may never get it. Sadly, there may be little you can do here if you cannot reason with your Dad. Be guided by APS.