Not sure what to do about my daughter and caring for my father. Any suggestions?

I want to ask this as gently as possible. Why are you bothered by your daughter, his granddaughter, changing him but are not bothered by your wife doing the same thing? My husband would be equally bothered by his wife or daughters changing his dad's diapers. Is you wife helping in other ways and that is her line in the sand? Or is she refusing to help at all? And if the answer to that question is yes, I guess my next question would be why? Did she not want him to move in? Did she tell you up front that she was against it and wouldn't help? Or is this new behavior and she has drawn that line and is done helping? And again, here I would ask why.
I think as important as it is that you look out for your 18 year old daughter, I've got one of those too, she is making an adult decision about her future AND about what she is offering freely to assist with in caring for your father.
I think it is equally important for you to look at what is going on with your wife and your marriage. You have 3 kids, the oldest is the 18 year old. She is still in active mom mode. Is she working at an outside job full time? A full time stay at home mom to children who need her attention (especially right now with COVID, only a small % of children in our area have gone back to school, many are homeschooling or still doing virtual learning)? Is she trying to take care of children, you, her FIL, and a home? I'd be interested in understanding those dynamics.
My SIL and BIL moved in with my FIL 3 years ago for numerous reasons, mostly theirs at the time. Over time he has become more dependent on them. To the point where he NEEDS them there now. SIL does not work outside of the home, her children are grown and out of the nest, and her main focus is on taking care of her father and the home. She is overwhelmed beyond belief just by his increasing needs (he is a narcissist and will take advantage of anyone). My point there is that she felt because she didn't have any other pressing responsibilities that caring for her dad would be part of her day and it quickly became ALL of her day. Is it possible that your wife was overwhelmed with other responsibilities and had to remove something from her plate?
Your daughter is 18. It is hard! Hard to let someone be the adult we raised them to be because they are still our little girl or boy. But if she plans to be a nurse, she is likely going to see worse. She is volunteering. All you can really do is decide if you need her help and whether you are willing to accept it.

I don't see anything wrong that you did or your Daughter. It would be good experience for her. Just let her know that it her choice and she is in no way obligated if she doesn't want to do it any more.

I know age is no barrier to illness but what else is up with Dad that at 67 he requires this level of care?

I copied with incontinence for 2 years after a complicated labour but managed this myself while doing baby care, paid work & study.

When my grandmother graduated from high school in 1916, she decided to follow her older sister into the nursing profession. She began the classes and she quit two weeks later after realizing one of her tasks would be "wiping old men's backsides."

I congratulate your daughter -- she's already made it farther in nursing than my grandmother did. She clearly has the mind for caregiving and doing what needs to be done. She'll make an excellent nurse.

I find it interesting that you are upset your wife refuses to change your father's diapers but equally upset that your adult daughter is willing. Why do you feel you wife should be doing this.? There is no comparison between taking care of a child and taking care of an adult who is now childlike. And there is nothing owed to a parent because they raised you.

I am more concerned that your father is only in his 60s. Are you ready to do this for another 20 years?

Your wife has a right to refuse to help change your fathers briefs. I took care of my dad for the most part, but my mother cleaned and changed him. I did not feel comfortable with such a task. Yes your daughter is an adult, but she is a young 18 years old and it is her grandfather. I really do not think it is appropriate in my opinion.

If caring for her grandfather does not bother your daughter then I see no problem with it. As said, this is good training. Its not a glamorous job. But, is a very good profession to get into. You can always find a job. My daughter makes a very good wage as a Unit Manager. She is single, owns her own home. Has paid off her car and bought a jeep for fun.

Now your wife...I would not care for my father if he had outlived my Mom. I surely would not have cared for my FIL. I would wash his clothes and cook his meals but the showering and changing of depends would be my husbands responsibility. You have 3 children, I think your wife has enough on her plate. And I assume you both work? Changing a baby or toddler boy is a LOT different than changing a full grown man. And that man not ur husband. Really, think about it. I think ur being unfair here.

"My father doesn't even realize it either because he gets pretty absent minded"

67 is young to have incontinent problems. Have you had him to a Dr for the problem? It could be prostrate problems which you do not want to get worse. If its an enlarged prostrate he could get to the point he can't go. His "absent mindness" sounds more like a Dementia. Have you had him to the doctor for a full physical? This would include labs to determine if something physical is causing him this "absent mindness". There are all kinds of things that could cause this. His potassium could be low. If on BP meds, he may need an adjustment. He could have diabetes. Even meds he is taking could cause problems.

There’s a far bridge between wanting to be a nurse and being one. There’s also a huge gap between being 18 and a granddaughter and helping to change a stranger. This shouldn’t in any way be on your daughter to do. Please be very sure this is what she wants and it’s not that she feels obligated due to seeing tension in the house over it. We see a lot of young caregivers here, they are often resentful over what’s been put on them in a myriad of ways. And please stop the mindset that you’re “returning the favor” in caring for your dad because he once raised you, there’s just no comparison there. Adults choose to have children out of completely different desires than those who choose to care for an aging parent. Instead of just looping your wife in on what’s occurred, how about an honest discussion on how your dad’s care in your home is impacting your marriage and family? I’m guessing you may learn some valuable info

Your tone here is suggesting that your wife 'should' be changing your dad's disposable briefs and your daughter 'should not' be. Changing an elder's disposable briefs goes with the territory for a family who's decided to provide in home care for an elder. Period. Who does or does not perform the duties for the elder is irrelevant. Your wife probably cooks the meals and you don't. You're changing your father's briefs and she is not.........what's the difference? Respect her wishes and be glad that she's agreeable to having your dad living in her home to begin with, that's my suggestion.

As far as your daughter helping out with her grandfather's brief changes, go for it. If she's going to be a nurse, brief changes will be the least of the uncomfortable things she'll be in charge of doing. Trust me on that; my daughter is a cardiac RN and the stories she tells about things she has to do for patients would make you vomit. Literally.

Thank your daughter for her willingness to help out, and your wife for agreeing to this living arrangement. There is no 'drama' here that you're not creating yourself. Let it all go, and all will be well.

As you said:

"...it's just something that needs to be done so that he doesn't run into other health issues."

Provided your daughter and - as far as he's aware of what's happening - your father feel the same, I don't see a problem. And if those are really your feelings on the subject, why do you feel you screwed up in speaking light-heartedly to your daughter about it?

It's quite unusual for a man in his late sixties to be incontinent and unable to deal independently with his own personal care - what are your father's health problems? The reason I ask is to look ahead and question whether his care will continue to be manageable at home.

If your daughter truly wants to help in that way, let her. As long as Dad is okay with it.

You seem annoyed that your wife doesn't help with this. I don't blame her; I couldn't do it either. Poop alone would send me running away. And I don't want to get that familiar with my father-in-law! Likening it to changing baby diapers isn't really accurate. A small baby is much easier to change than a grown man. Baby pee and poop aren't the same amount as a grown man!

Bear in mind it's YOUR father. Not hers. If you want your father living with you, then you are the one who should do most of the the caretaking (and accept help when it's offered).

If your daughter is planning to become a nurse and is comfortable assisting your dad, that’s great. If your wife stated she is uncomfortable assisting with the changing of dad’s of undergarments, then please, respect that. Everyone has very different levels of providing care to others. Think about yourself cleaning up your mother in law? Think about cleaning menstrual fluids? Could you easily do this? Please, have an open mind and respect your wife’s comfort level with these very personal matters.

This might be something you should discuss with your wife and your daughter.
If your wife has no problems with your daughter changing a brief and if your daughter does not have a problem then I see no need for worry.
Anyone that is going to enter Nursing School will probably have to take a CNA course (99% sure it is required here in Illinois) so as 18 she would have to put time in doing clinical work and that might mean changing briefs, bathing as well as all the other "scut" work.
Now I would draw the line if your father started behaving in a way that might be aggressive or sexual in nature. That can be common for some forms of dementia. But if he is compliant there should not be a problem
If at anytime it becomes unsafe for your daughter, or you then you have to adapt.
Gait Belt to help with transfers. As he declines a Sit To Stand to help make it safer and easier for him as well as anyone trying to transfer him and then the Hoyer Lift when he can no longer support himself.

"...My father doesn't even realize it either because he gets pretty absent minded..." I'm confused about what you are saying here. Does your father not realize that his granddaughter is changing his diaper??

Your wife is entitled to not wanting to change an adult diaper. Your daughter, on the other hand, wants to become a nurse and it's a part of her future profession. I don't see what's wrong with an 18 year old who wants to be a nurse helping change his diaper. It's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal including with your wife. Be grateful for the help.

Avitonn, it would be helpful if you could provide a little more info about your dad and situation: what is his cognitive/physical level of functioning? What is his diagnosis? Did your wife agree to have him move in with you? Was this before you had your own kids together?

Your dad doesn't sound too functional at 67 so have you thought through what the care arrangement might be in 5 years when he is even less functional and his care is more intense and your daughter the aspiring RN may be out of school and in a job with her own family? I'm wondering if your wife doesn't feel comfortable changing a grown man's incontinence briefs (as opposed to a woman's)? I wouldn't like it much... Just a thought.

In any caregiving scenario transparency and respectful, positive and informative communication is very key to keeping everyone on the same page and maintaining domestic peace. Your daughter is very sweet to help but please remember that your wife is priority over her and your father. If this caregiving situation is putting strain on your relationship you should work to solve it so it works for everyone. Blessings!

Sounds like you've raised a very caring and loving daughter, that she wants to be able to be able to help you out some, as she sees that your fathers care is all falling on your shoulders. You should be proud. She's old enough to decide if it's something that she wants to do or not, and you are right, it is good training if she wants to be in the nursing field. Don't discourage her, just tell her how much you appreciate the help.

Welcome to the Forum.
I see no problem whatsoever for an 18 year old woman, especially one who intends to be a nurse, helping your Dad with a change. I stress the "helping with a change" because at 60, even if Dad is failing (you don't tell us about his diagnosis and prognosis; he is quite young) he should be encouraged so much as you are able to REMAIN INDEPENDENT so much as he can. There are some pull up products that may enable him to handle some of this himself with reminders. I am a nurse. I was born with the destiny of either nurse or undertaker, because I was always into this caregiving, or into burying whatever small animal I found dying. I was never bothered by what a nurse deals with every single day. If Dad is comfortable and if daughter is comfortable (and I would speak with both of them) then I am perfectly fine in my own mind of your daughter doing this loving assistance and care for her grandpa.
Tell your daughter good luck. I started slow.My training as a CNA was free and I loved it. I went then to LVN (or LPN as it was called in Illinois. Finally on to RN. I loved the career.
You didn't screw up at all. This is a family giving care to a beloved member.It's OK if your wife doesn't wish to participate in certain things if she is uncomfortable. I am certain with cooking and washing and cleaning she does QUITE ENOUGH, right?
Good luck.