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Where do I start! So, my mom was diagnosed with having a complex MBI, back & neck injury. She can’t walk on her own, has to be holding onto someone for it. Frequent dizziness. Can’t stand or sit on her own, balance issues. Hunches over a lot, can’t fix her own posture. Sometimes she can lift her head up a little but she forgot how to straighten her back. Has charley horse, insomnia, and moves in her sleep so much that at night I get called every single hour if it isn’t every half hour, or minutes divisible by 5! Just to adjust her position, stretch her leg, flip her over, maybe even walk her, or (and this is definitely by each hour) take her to the bathroom. Did I mention urge incontinence? She’s been getting weaker, but she weighs nearly 60 pounds more than me and I am.. small. I’ve been at this for months so I have gained muscle, but not enough that I can lift her too much.
Been caregiving since spring, can’t say I remember anything before July because that’s the time I came back after a 2 week long vacation that I planned months in advance without the situation having been this severe. Couldn’t go a few days without being guilted by their calls. Turned into an adult this year. Pandemic & mom was a recipe for getting held back, so I haven’t graduated. Can’t attend regular school anymore, let alone make time to do simple assignments. My family only consists of my mother, older sister, and my sister’s partner. (Nobody else if you don’t count in-laws.) The latter 2 work night shifts at grocery stores. I’m unemployed, don’t know how to drive, how taxes work, what resources to look into since I can hardly do complex tasks… If it’s not executive dysfunction from depression alone, I suspect myself of having undiagnosed ADHD. We’re also uninsured. Given this background, I’ll explain what I go through.
Every waking hour = tending to my mother’s needs. Only if my sister isn’t gracious enough to bestow approx 2-5 hours of letting me sleep, if she sees herself capable of it. I take naps between intervals of tending to mom, switching out one need of my own for another, if not rest it’s eating, calling a friend to stay sane, can’t shower for too long, I forget to brush, etc. This small apartment belonging to my sister is NOT fit for mom in her condition, I can’t shower her without it being a life or death situation from lack of balance and my sister refuses to get a bench cause she says mom needs to stand up more and sounded like I *want* her to stay the way she is by sitting. You know how insensitive that is?! She reeks and when my sister offered to help me with the showering, she didn’t help at all. I got forced to do it that day alone while sis recovered from COVID. (But she was clearly well enough that all she could’ve done was put on a mask around us.) My mom is hardly active anymore, sitting around using her devices, mainly this big TV in her room that she’s barely a few feet apart from. I tried managing her nutrition and keeping her away from devices (doctor’s order, too,) but she was so whiny about me trying to detox her from sugar that I didn’t fully win, we compromised by only keeping *most* sugary things out of the way. Still doesn’t count as detox. Still looks at her devices daily. No one really listens to what I say, no matter how right I am. Toilet clogged, I said it was the loose handle and sis refused to call the office for a week. I was right. Dishwasher clogged, my sister always says “it never cleans well,” I tell her to rinse off food before sticking dishes in, she didn’t. They don’t care about the little things I suggest to make recovery smoother, they like to forget the point if it doesn’t help enough. Mom is stubborn and my sister.. is not very bright. She left me to take care of mom for two weeks alone too. Big difference leaving 2 grown women to do this VS. me, only having emergency contacts. Real telling that I did better than them.
All of this I put up with, and my tolerance fluctuates. Don’t know what to do!

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With Moms problems she needs to get Social Security Disability or at least SSI. My suggestion is to call APS. Ask if they can come in an evaluate the situation. Seems Mom needs more care than you or sister can handle. Maybe they can set you up with resourses and get things in motion.

A teenager should not have this type of responsibility. You have a right to have an education especially in these times.

Don't be surprised if a Nursing Home is recommended. Medicaid may pay for it in ur case. It may not be a permanent thing but may help Mom get her mobility back. She will get physical therapy and you will be able to get some sleep and graduate.

Please, do not allow your Mom to take over your life, sister's either. There is help out there for her and hopefully APS will help with that.
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My main thought reading about your situation is, save yourself.

Yes, try to figure out how to get the system to help your mom, then leave to make your own life, which you have a right to do. You are being dragged under by drowning people and you need to save yourself.
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I know you wrote a lot already, but we need a little more info in order to give you some practical guidance:
- how old is your mom
- how are you and your sister? Are there any other family living nearby?
- What state do you live in
- do you live in her house/apt or does she live with you or some other arrangement
- Does your mom speak English
- is your mom on SSDI (social security disability income) or what is her source of income?
- you say she is uninsured yet she has seen doctors: is she going to the ER for her medical issues?
- have you or anyone else contacted your county's social services to get in-home assessment for help?
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nekurasamurai Sep 2021
1. late 40s
2. like i said, us three are the only family, only in-laws nearby would be her partner’s sister & the husband. my sister seems fine might be troubled over finances and balancing her work with this but while i am getting numb im in a cycle that goes from being irritable > upset with everything, bordering on unstable > too exhausted to care > repeat. i know my sister tries but she can be insensitive and is in the mindset that it’s mom’s fault when she physically can’t do something + assumes she’ll get better before winter so she doesn’t fully accommodate to her needs, deems it to be “too much”
3. we live in alaska ^_^;
4. my mom and i live in my sister’s apartment
5. yes
6. says she can’t apply for that, dunno how it works, she’s relying on unemployment funds but it might come to an end soon
7. ^ & doctor she sees that specializes in brain trauma specifically only does about $230 a visit, somehow been affording that. real doctors shes seen on employee health insurance that she no longer has, and afterwards saw no one until i came back and even then it was only a chiropractor
8. not at all and im not sure its an idea my sister would consider
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I would recommend calling a state social worker to come and observe and see what can be done to help.
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To address ONE issue; your mother shoukd not be hanging on the someone else. She needs to walk with a walker.

Can you get her doctor to order a PT evaluation and get that in place?
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nekurasamurai Sep 2021
we have one but the place is too cramped for her to really use it
i could ask, unsure if it would be affordable and he’s already been looking into other options for her recovery, we just can’t do them as they’re expensive for us
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