Planning on not having a funeral or memorial service. - AgingCare.com

Planning on not having a funeral or memorial service.

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Should I let the family know ahead of time or let them find out afterwards? As guardian, POA, fulltime caregiver for 6+ years for my mother who has dementia and end stage kidney failure, I have decided I am not going through with the traditional funeral/burial drama.

Background: Ten living children (40s-62); mother is 78. Spent $15k in guardianship court to fight for mother because the majority wanted her in state care. Spent $30k in civil court trying to reclaim mother's house from youngest daughter who forged documents to claim property. All of the court battles have left a bad taste in the family because they lost. In four years, since guardianship ruling, many have not called or visited her. Now that it appears we are coming to the end of this journey, it was stressing me out thinking of the funeral (whether there would have to be security there). Whether the police would be called, again. I can't go through with it.
I found peace in making the decisión and shared the plans with mother. She is in agreement know it has been just the two of us the past few years.
There was a burial policy we jointly contributed to for over 8 years. Was cashed in by the same greedy daughter who stole the house.
They all expect me to pay for the funeral since I am the caregiver and have so much money. Right! Was planning to go through guardianship court to ask judge for recovery of policy, but after a blizzard of text messages calling me every name in the book, I have decided to handle things without the court.
Plans are for cremation with a memorial page on funeral website with pictures, videos and obituary.
I don't have the stomach to deal with mother's siblings, nor her children, neither her church.
If they can't visit her in 4+ years, why should they be given the opportunity when she is on her death bed? No, I plan to help her live life to the fullest everyday with great expectations until she decides she is ready to go.
Many will feel I am wrong for not giving them a public forum to showout with drama. I don't have any cut cards and my filter has been permentantly removed. I am not the one for bs nor drama.
Guess I have kind of answered my own question here though it has been therapeutic writing about it.
Caregiving 24/7 is no joke. Dementia is not your friend. We have gone through the nights of no-sleep, walking outside at 1am saying she's going home, falls, difficulty swallowing, incontinence, inability to wash/clean ones self, putting objects in mouth not food, ER visits, IVs, lab tests, urine samples, bloodwork, vegan diet, liquid restriction, protein restriction, annual guardianship court filings, and on and on and on.
Still, I won't complain. Do it all again. Wouldn't take anything for my journey now. For such a time as this, I was created. I know that when God gets through with me, I shall come forth as puré gold. No resentment, no hatred, no anger, no regrets. I am a visiting ángel entrusted with the care of my mother. Her happiness and well being are my only concerns.

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Cremation is the way to go. If you decide to have a service in the future, then that would be up to you. I'm sorry for the decline of your mom.
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Thanks Veronica,
Hadn't thought about them holding a funeral service on their own. I guess it would be more of a memorial service without the assistance of the mortician, unless they rented an empty casket for show. The whole thing in the African American community is one big drama show. I will not participate.
Mother's youngest brother passed last year Sept 19 after being in our home for hospice care. She is the oldest sibling, her oldest younger sister passed two years ago Oct 2.
Both services included drama, from the selling of CDs by her BIL who released an albumn to questions on where mother would dit in the seating order (which should have been a no brainer being the eldest).
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Thanks CWillie, good recommendation on wording. Will keep that in mind!
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You mean should you tell them before her death? Since they really have no say in the matter and it will only cause more drama I don't think you have any obligation to include them in your plans.
As for after, I've read plenty of obits that state "as per xyz's wishes cremation has already taken place and there will be no funeral service". Just put it on your facebook page or wherever such announcements are made in your area.
And I'm sorry things turned out this way.
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I totally support you. I think I would go as far as not to let them all know until after the cremation then offer to share the ashes and then if anyone wants any kind of funeral they are free to go ahead and arrange it.
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