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I live 3 hours drive away and she never goes out of her house except to go to Dr's appointments. She walks around her house but otherwise can hardly walk. Carers attend just to get her up in the mornings. She moans there is nothing to get up for but is uncivil on the phone, which I find unpleasant. She thinks the world of my brother, and moved to be near him.

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miopus, imagine if you were watching the Super Bowl, the teams are tied, with just 5 minutes left on the clock... I bet you wouldn't want someone telephoning you at that time, either.

And your Mom is right, at 91 there isn't much left to get up for.... imagine not being able to hop into the car to run errands... imagine all of your friends, siblings, cousins had passed on due to age, etc.... imagine every muscle aches when you get up in the morning.... and food doesn't taste good any more because your taste buds are gone. Getting old isn't fun.

If Mom is focused on her horse race, let her enjoy it. You can easily call back later.
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Try to distance yourself from her as your mother. To me it is obvious she is inconsiderate and rude. You need to do more outside of your family to gain a sense of perspective. That alone will prevent someone from getting to you when they are so clearly being obnoxious. She will gain respect for you when you respond appropriately, which could be merely not having any response to her behavior. Family button pushing and reacting is established early and becomes unconscious.
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Aw. I know it's kind of tough but the folks above are right - you've gotta toughen up. Try not to take it personally. And take some distance for yourself when you can. Just keep telling her you love her and to let you know if you can do anything for her - and then you'll know you've done all you can. My loved one has said some things that used to send me to another room to weep and now I just laugh or say "Well, THAT'S not very nice!" And it all blows over. Don't let someone else's unkind behavior or words affect your own self-worth. Even Mom's. Hug for you.
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Ha Pam.. Sure bets!
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Tell her to put her money on Seabiscuit or Man O' War.
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An other thought: Be glad you don't live with her 24/7...
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My best advice is grower thicker skin BECAUSE it will get worse..

From this point on everyting is about her. The sooner you realize it the smoother things will go.. She's old, confused and needs your support.. Hugs
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If I live to 91, I will also be busy picking the grey horse right before post time. For most 90 year olds, it seems the rude crustyness sets in. Smile because at least there is one thing she is still passionate about. Do not take it to heart, they are always the nastiest to those who are close and pick out somebody else who walks on water. Hang in and don't beat yourself up!!!!
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Don't take this personally. Your mother may not be able to focus on multiple issues at one time, and horse racing is something that distracts her (unless she's losing money on the horses!). For some older people it's difficult to balance multiple trains of thought and conversation.

Just learn to roll with the punches. Ask her which horse is her favorite, say you'll talk to her later. Her "curtness" is more likely a reflection that she feels pushed and challenged to refocus when she's not able to than a direct hostility toward you. You just happened to call at horse picking time.
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