Not coping with my mothers death.

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My 86 year old mother passed away 2 weeks ago of cancer. I am angry, distraught and confused. She kept saying she was dying but no one believed her, not me, not hospice as her ‘ vitals ‘ were all good. As she faded into insignificance , to a mere 28 kilos, hips protruding, eating less and less, I kept asking, “is she dying?” Or is this the preactive stage- all things I had read on the internet, but I was always told no, and that they would tell us. Eventually I decided to tell my sister to come back from holiday as my mother had to go to hospice and she looked terrible and so sad. Still they did’t know. Thank God my sister came back early because she died 5 days later. My sister said to the doctor that it looked liked my mother only had a few days and he agreed! You can imagine my shock! I feel heavy with grief, can’t eat nor sleep, I know she has died, but I just don’t understand. She was there. Now she is gone.

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You certainly did the right thing in contacting your sister, Maya. It was good that you trusted your instinct that Mom would not be with you much longer.

Hospice is generally more experienced about identifying the stages of dying that most other organizations or individuals. But no one can predict accurately every time. When I called hospice to report my husband's death, they were quite surprised. They thought he would live at least a few weeks longer. Dementia was his cause of death, but an autopsy revealed he was also at end stage arterial sclerosis and his doctor was surprised he hadn't died of that even earlier. My husband died when his body was ready to die, just as your mother did.

I was in college when president JFK was assassinated. It was, of course, constantly on the news. I was angry, distraught and confused. My boyfriend tried to comfort me with "All things happen for a reason." I could have slugged him! Kennedy was there and then he was gone. I certainly knew that death was part of the events of life, but that was perhaps the first time I understood what that meant on an emotional level. I cried for days.

It has only been 2 weeks since your dear mother died. It is perfectly normal to feel heavy with grief, and not be able eat or sleep. You will always miss your mother, but this overpowering emotional response will become more manageable with time. Two weeks is just too soon to expect to feel "normal." Be gentle with yourself.

Eventually your thoughts of your mother will focus more on your relationship with her when she was healthy, instead of the details of her death.

Hospice does offer grief counseling, and many funeral homes do, too. Some people do well with group sessions. Others prefer one-on-one. Do you and your sister share memories and feelings?

My condolences on your terrible loss. And my assurances that this awful heaviness will pass.
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Shane, your story is very similar to mine. My Dad also died in 1965 when I was four. My Mother also never remarried. She brought up seven children all on her own. She died the day before Mother's Day. It will have been three years this May.

The end was horrible. She was not able to communicate at all. But our last words to each other that day on the phone before she became unconscious she said "I'll love you always" That was after I'd just got through singing "You've got a Friend" by Carole King to her.

On Christmas Eve that year I was talking to my niece about my Mom and how loving and kind she was. My niece said I think Grandma always had a straight line to God. Then I said she is probably here with us right now. Then I looked on the music playlist my sister had on and at that moment they were playing "You've got a Friend" by Carole King. I took that as some sort of message.

Time does heal. I know it sounds cliche but it does. Give yourself time and don't expect to feel wonderful in a few days. Let the process happen. It's been almost three years for me and I still fight the sadness. But you will be fine. Keep coming on here for support.
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Maya, my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.

Usually Hospice offers grief counseling, I would give the group you used a call.
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Maya, my deepest sympathy to you and your family. I am glad your sister was able to be there. I lost my Mom a bit over 2 years ago and I have had so many questions run through my mind as to how all that happened and why it happened the way it did. I am just now, after 2 years, really finding peace with my Mom being gone. I do feel she is safe now from all the illness and pushing for rehab, and being bedridden for a year and a half. Please be gentle on yourself, and give yourself time to heal. It takes time. Your memory of her passing will be replaced with happy memories of times before. Please take care of yourself now as you were a good caregiver and daughter to your Mom.
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I’m so sorry about your loss. In my opinion losing your mother is one of life’s cruel realities although it’s a natural progression of life.
It takes time to heal - I know it sounds like a cliche but it’s true.
The mom I lost back then was not the woman or mother I knew. That woman was lost to dementia.
When I feel blue thinking of my mom’s passing, I try to remember the many good things I had learned from her & how she did raise her kids to be self sufficient & independent, as she herself had to become when my dad died back in 1965. My mom was a single parent back when everyone had a spouse & noone ever  expected my dad to get so ill & die ar 43 y/o. She never remarried.
Time does help heal. The first 3 months were the worst for me. She passed at the end of April right before Mother’s Day, and that Mother’s Day was very sad.
I see my mother’s traits in me and am glad she nurtured those (her) strengths & passed them on to me.
After a few months you will be able to accept mom’s passing as part of the Circle of Life.
I know this post won’t get you through these next few weeks after your mother’s funeral as it’s too raw, but you will accept it & the need to move on.
Cry as much as you want. Grieve the way you chose.
You’ll begin to see little snippets of your mother’s input in yourself as you go forward in life.
Our Moms will always be with us in spirit.
I wish you healing. Again it was so hard to accept for me as well, but my mother was 89 & miserable in a NH; her last sister died at 93 3 yrs before her, & then she had several strokes near the end that made her unresponsive and unable to communicate.
So sad.
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I am so sorry for your loss - sending you the big hugs. I had the same feelings when my dad passed away, it was a huge shock to suddenly not hear his voice on the phone or hear him yell at my mom ....anyway, we are here for you.
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Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your mother. I, too, lost a parent recently. My father died the day after Thanksgiving. Even though it has been four months, I feel as if my grief is fresher than ever. We have been so busy that there has been little time to grieve. Now that things are quieting down, the reality of our loss is surfacing. Sometimes my heart aches. And I cry at the drop of a hat. I have trouble concentrating. And I have lost 20 pounds. Sometimes I don't know how I am going to stand missing my dad so much. But I do know that grief is a journey. Everyone travels at their own pace and in their own way. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel your loss. Seek out support groups if that feels right for you and know that, although you must make this journey, you do not have to make it alone. I know that everyone here understands your distress and we are all here if you need us. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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I am sorry for your loss. May God help you through this. I too felt lost in grief when my Dad passed. And now only less than a year and a half, I am only beginning to come out from the fog of grief. I still miss him everyday. But, I am beginning to see a little clearer. It was a shock to me when he passed, unexpected. I kept asking why. But God knows the number of each of our days, and he takes us when he chooses. We don't have to understand, just have faith that when it happens it was meant to be. Grieving is very difficult and everyone does it differently. But you will get through it, and it takes time, and mostly it takes God.
Hang in there.(Hugs)
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Dear Maya,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss.

The same thing happened with my dad. The day he passed my sister asked if my dad might need hospice but the doctor told her there was no indication he would pass imminently. My sister had recently had a baby and thought about coming home but my other sister told her not to. And to this day, I deeply regret not calling her and telling her to come home to see my dad. I saw him and he was so weak but I thought all he needed was rest and left for work.

It is horribly difficult to process how we can be on this earth without our beloved parents. There has been so much good and kind advice already given. Its been a year for me and like Gershun said there are days I have to fight the sadness.

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.
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Thank you to everyone of your replies, it helps to know that others have also gone through this.
I will go to get some counseling, that’s a good idea.
I guess death brings us to think about the fundamental question , which is what is life all about and what happens once you die... I wish my mother had given some sign of having enjoyed her life- instead of only reminiscing about her father whom she hated. It would have been lovely to hear that she had loved certain things.
We were with her for days while she died and kept telling her it was safe where she was going, that we loved her and appreciated her, played her favorite music, that we would be fine. But obviously we don’t really know anything about what happens next, what we will be doing for ever more
Thank you again for your messages
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