I turned over the POA to an attorney my lady friend suggested several months back since I could not handle the demands of 24 hour care. At first, he (as guardian) had 24-hour caregivers at her home. Two weeks ago, I was notified that she was admitted to an Alzheimer's Unit in an email. At first, I was told that I would be allowed to visit after two weeks; then it was extended for another two weeks. Today, I received a letter from her Guardian saying that, after speaking with her physician, I am permanently banned from seeing her without a valid reason. When she passes, I am the executor of her estate and have all responsibility for her funeral, etc. I am devastated that the Guardian would pull such a stunt. I can not prove or disprove his claim that he spoke with the doctor overseeing her care. He may have just done it to keep me from seeing her. I am the only person who will visit her. Her son and sister care zero about her. I am disappointed and perplexed. Any thoughts, suggestions, etc., would be very much appreciated.
God bless you. There are still some good folks left in the world. Not nearly as many as 50 years ago, but some.
The guardian has full control of her life. He is an attorney and her legal representative. If he is in "cahoots" with the facility physician, they can deny anyone access by using the excuse that she is easily agitated, blah, blah, blah.
Nobody, even family, is allowed to see her for 32 days. Doctor's order's...wink, wink, grin, grin.
You couldn't come up with a Lifetime Movie any odder than this situation. Very, very sad for everyone -- myself, her sister and her son.
Now, as for the POA situation, it sounds like someone scared you into signing over the financial matters to them, this happened to a friend of mine regarding POA of his mom. The nursing home bullied him into signing over the POA financial matters over to him, they just kept harassing him until he gave in and gave them what they wanted. I would've gotten some legal help and I would've sent a cease and desist order from my lawyer or even the judge, which is something you can probably get help with if it's not too late.
If you really didn't want to release this and your loved one really wanted you to have it, you really need to get some legal help on this one also. As long as this person was of sound mind when they set everything up, those arrangements should be protected by law, so don't back down for a bunch of big shot bullies who only want money
I really, really appreciate the very kind comments you have made today regarding this situation. Shelly may be right on all counts. I think I must come to peace with the whole situation. I believe that the majority of ALZ folks are in a living h*ll and don't know it. I would rather have anything, and I mean anything, than that.
For example, my dad had 12 brothers and sisters. All have died of various forms of cancer. All I could reason and talk about old times until the end. Perhaps not the last two weeks of their lives, but for long periods. That is why God created morphine, dilaudid, opiods, etc. At least you can knock the pain back if you still have your mind.
Most ALZ patients die due to aspiration from eating or pneumonia -- as part or separately from the disease. Again, give me cancer any time over ALZ. Not that I'm ready to go now by any means.
All I know is that I have had many friends and family members tell me that you did everything you could for her the last two years. I wore myself out looking after her. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. As bad as I hate to say it, she is exactly where she needs to be.
However, the way it went down left a lot to be desired. Yes, I could say four letter words and keep letting it eat at me. It will not change the disease for the only woman that I've ever truly loved more than anyone except my mother.
Again, thanks to the two of you for your kindness and thoughts. I'm glad, or actually disheartened, to know that I'm not the only one going through this. However, each case is unique and this one would score out a 11 on a 10 point scale with 1 being low and 10 being high -- for stress and dysfunction.
spending money fighting City Hall. I would pursue options mentioned in previous posts. After the experience with my neighbor I eventually received a call from her "long lost" family apologizing for the misunderstanding and thanking me for my help with Margaret. They were told lies by a lady I contacted to ask advice about Margaret's situation. I bet you'll eventually find out who caused this. Always remember that you did the very best you could. That's all that can be asked of you.
#1 The Alzheimer's patient has gone down hill.
#2 Possible erring of the facility
#3 Speak to the director
I received a certified letter that I am NEVER allowed to visit her and the staff/security has orders not to let me in...period. That rules out going with her sister who hasn't seen her in two years. Lots of compassion from her, huh? Facility is brand new and five star. Guardian could still be getting kickbacks from the facility and "recommends" his patients there.
Guardian will not respond any longer to me and told me he doesn't have to respond to me since I no longer have any standing. I hope he and everyone in his family winds up with Alzheimer's someday. God acts in strange ways.
Ask that a FULL reason for your exclusion be given in writing & that the fact you are not family or married should not exclude you ............. however given new laws etc maybe you could claim 'partnership' which sometimes doesn't mean that separate addresses are an exclusion - check this out this way -
FYI as executor I think you have a right/duty to know she is maintained to the standard she expressed to you at an earlier date when you did a casual conversion about this - hint ... hint
Maybe lawyer has her in substandard facility or one that will only answer to him so that he benefits monitarily in some way - check it out for her sake as much as your clear concious
I appreciate all of your concerns. She had the will enacted, and filed in court, before all of this sordid mess started. Once the disease was diagnosed, she could not change her will; medical directives, etc.
I've discussed this with an attorney and he has had experience with these issues. He said that I will be spending a LOT of money with likely only a one or two percent chance of winning visitation rights. Plus, her guardian/attorney can have continuance after continuance in court to run up my legal bills. After all, I am not married to her or a blood relative.
Nor does it seem to matter that I'm the executor of her estate along with her sister.
No. Not possible.
The OP is the patient's executor. The patient is no longer able to make a will. The OP therefore will remain executor. And in any case there has been no suggestion that the attorney, appointed by the courts as the patient's guardian, has any such design or intention.
This situation is quite tragic enough without looking for sinister ulterior motives on anybody's part. It concerns a comparatively young woman, 68 years old, with an early onset diagnosis 2 years ago, who is now experiencing extreme mental distress and is in a specialist locked facility for the treatment of moderate to severe Alzheimers Disease.
The best thing to hope for is that this phase of her illness will give way to a calmer one which may permit her family and the OP, her close friend, to visit her. That's what I'm praying for, anyway.
She called me every day for the first week until they took her mobile/cell phone. I'm sure she has been asking for me constantly. That is probably why they don't want her to see me. I got that from a caregiver who stayed with her until they cut off the care-giving during the acclimation to the facility.
I spent every day looking after her and even visited daily after the in-home 24 hour caregivers took over. I had one of the caregivers terminated after she showed me videos she had made of previous clients in states of undress; drooling, etc. I mentioned this to the court and no action was taken with the Police though it is a felony. The legal system folks are all in bed together so I'm back to you can't fight City Hall in some cities.
My friend was still in her beautiful home until she was yanked out on a whim by the guardian. Neither myself, her sister or son were notified.
After discussing this my my family and friends, I am not willing to keep fighting the visitation issue due to my own health and an aging mother and aunt to take care of to boot. You have to pick your battles. Is my death from stress and fighting this forever, along with my other health issues, worth it? How will I be of good to my mother and aunt if I'm deceased over this. I can't help it if she has a sorry family.
Yes, I could do lots of things to keep the pot stirred. My best friend finally said, "You've got to let this go. You should just remember her and all the good times you had until she acquired this awful disease. She is not the same person any longer and is a shell of herself."
While it breaks my heart, and there have been many, many tears and lack of sleep, I just retired and want to have a few good years left before God comes calling. I have a moral and ethical responsibility to take care of my mother now. My lady friend has a sister and son who have treated her like a piece of concrete and just want money, money, money from her.
I hope that EVERY penny is spent on her health care. Her son fought for guardianship and lost to the attorney aforementioned. What does that tell you about him? He owed her half a million dollars and there is a lien on her home due to his shenanigans.
Have you considered that after a 20 year relationship your lady friend may not want you to see her in this condition? I am sure it was shocking for her to see the condition and behavior of some of the other residents. if she is still cognizant enough she would have realized what may lie ahead for her. As a younger woman she will probably have many years to spend in this place however good it is.
When i see these kinds of questions on this forum my first reaction is always. "Follow the money" is there any possibility that the guardian is misappropriating funds?
When you handed over control to the guardian did you move out of a shared home? Were you allowed to see her while she was receiving care in her own home?
I would be very interested to hear more of the background to this story. You lady friend is clearly financially secure otherwise she would not have been able to afford 24 hour care or a Memory care facility that can afford expensive security.
Were you able to spend time with her when she was still at home?
Sorry to sound so negative when you are so troubled and I do sympathise but I am an old lady with a nasty habit of looking under rocks.
Perhaps one thing you can do is write formally to her guardian, requesting that he copy in the facility, stating your readiness to spend time with her should they be prepared to reconsider the potential benefit to her.
I'm not too sure that the fool for a client aphorism applies here. You're not being sued or under suspicion. You're just presenting a petition to be permitted communication with an old friend - all that's at stake is that you end up no further forward. On the other hand you might do better to show understanding of the facility's priorities and not push the point for the time being; but then you can still do that and have it established in principle that you are a trustworthy visitor.
I can't imagine what you're going through, not knowing what's happening to her or whether she feels your absence or what she might think is going on. Are you in touch with her friends or family, for moral support?
Your story sounds a lot like my Mothers's and her gentleman friend's situation. I will try to no make this too long.
Mother's gentleman friend was not in that great of shape himself. He was beginning to show signs of early dementia himself. Being in Mother's constant company was beginning to be too much for him. He could not accept that her family could not get the Drs to "fix" her. So he broke off the relationship with my Mother. That day my Mother began crying nonstop. We got her into her Dr. She was sent to the ER. She was evaluated in the ER and admitted to the Geriatric Psychiatric floor within the hospital. Her diagnosis was a Psychotic Break and a Severe Depressive Disorder in addition to her unspecified Dementia. Mother told the Psychiatrist "something" horrible about her gentleman friend. The Psychiatrist could not tell me what the "something" was but I was told to change the locks on Mother's house and there was to be "no contact" until my Mother was stabilized and could make a decision for herself.
Mother was stabilized after about 14 days but fell numerous times while in the hospital. She then went to inpatient physical rehab for 100 days then became a Patient of the Nursing Home.
It was all a very sad situation. My sister and I were very fond of my Mother's gentleman friend. But, we, myself and my sister, and the Psychiatrist had to consider whatever the threat my Mother expressed to the Psychiatrist as real even though it may have come from a broken place in her brain.
Eventually, The gentleman friend was allowed to visit Mother in the Nursing Home. During one of his first visits he brought my Mother a pocket knife for her to keep "for her protection". An aide found it. There were lots of meetings and discussions. The facility wanted the gentleman to visit Mother because he was so fun and lifted Mother's spirits so but his son had to accompany him and be present at all times.
They are required by law. They can report back to any family member.