I'm not allowed to visit my long-time lady friend of 20 years in an Alzheimer's facility. Any suggestions? - AgingCare.com

I'm not allowed to visit my long-time lady friend of 20 years in an Alzheimer's facility. Any suggestions?

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I turned over the POA to an attorney my lady friend suggested several months back since I could not handle the demands of 24 hour care. At first, he (as guardian) had 24-hour caregivers at her home. Two weeks ago, I was notified that she was admitted to an Alzheimer's Unit in an email. At first, I was told that I would be allowed to visit after two weeks; then it was extended for another two weeks. Today, I received a letter from her Guardian saying that, after speaking with her physician, I am permanently banned from seeing her without a valid reason. When she passes, I am the executor of her estate and have all responsibility for her funeral, etc. I am devastated that the Guardian would pull such a stunt. I can not prove or disprove his claim that he spoke with the doctor overseeing her care. He may have just done it to keep me from seeing her. I am the only person who will visit her. Her son and sister care zero about her. I am disappointed and perplexed. Any thoughts, suggestions, etc., would be very much appreciated.

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This must be devastating.

If it helps, as an outsider I would say it's probably nothing personal. Not on the guardian's part, anyway. My first guess would be that your lady friend - bear in mind she is demented - has been saying things that have led her physician and the care team to believe there is a safeguarding issue. It could be allegations of, oh heaven knows, a sexual or financial nature, or an end-of-life wishes nature, or goodness knows what-all. And you have to grasp that it isn't so much that they necessarily *believe* her as that the nature of the allegations means that they can't ignore them.

But meanwhile your lady friend is without the benefit of your company. And that's not good for her, either - it's just that it's a lesser worry for them than even the merest possibility that she might come to harm on their watch if they let you into the facility.

I am guessing, because I've never tried this and I don't know how the systems work in your area. But you could raise a safeguarding issue of your own, because your lady friend is being socially isolated. You would need to do this diplomatically and constructively, because after all your aim is to continue to work with these people - you just want to be allowed to do that.

Go to a lawyer for advice on making a formal complaint and requesting information concerning any allegations made about you. Guardians operate under judicial supervision so your friend already has a file open on her. Be prepared for what might be inside it - partially true or not, you might be horrified by what's been said.

When you say you could not handle the demands of 24 hour care (we've all been there, no one is going to judge you for burning out), did anything happen that could have come back to bite you?
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Excuse me? That word "banned" has been bandied about way way too much, imo.
Is it a legal term? I think not!
When I was "banned" from visiting my uncle by the abusing bully now living in his home, my uncle phoned me and said to come over anyway. Just come over!
Test the waters, go there with flowers.
A legal term would look like a properly served restraining order, filed with the court, ordered by a judge.
You are the executor, you have official business.
She can tell you if she doesn't want to see you, right?
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I am going to have someone I know to "attempt" to see her after the "she can see nobody ban for 30 days" is lifted. He/she can report back to me on her mental state, physical appearance, etc.
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First of all it is not unusual for a facility to discourage visitors for a new patient. The idea is that the patient needs time to settle in and get used to their new "normal" After all they will not be leaving the facility unless they need hospitalization or moving somewhere similar.

Have you considered that after a 20 year relationship your lady friend may not want you to see her in this condition? I am sure it was shocking for her to see the condition and behavior of some of the other residents. if she is still cognizant enough she would have realized what may lie ahead for her. As a younger woman she will probably have many years to spend in this place however good it is.

When i see these kinds of questions on this forum my first reaction is always. "Follow the money" is there any possibility that the guardian is misappropriating funds?

When you handed over control to the guardian did you move out of a shared home? Were you allowed to see her while she was receiving care in her own home?

I would be very interested to hear more of the background to this story. You lady friend is clearly financially secure otherwise she would not have been able to afford 24 hour care or a Memory care facility that can afford expensive security.

Were you able to spend time with her when she was still at home?

Sorry to sound so negative when you are so troubled and I do sympathise but I am an old lady with a nasty habit of looking under rocks.
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I wonder if they are afraid that your friend will ask for alcohol (since you say that she drinks too much wine before leaving home. How did she get it?) and it will be hard for her friends to refuse to bring it to her. There could be any number of concerns, but, if you think that after awhile that she is settled in and want to visit, I'd consult with my own attorney. They can make inquiries from the Guardian and/or her attorney and see what the real concern is and if it can be worked out. Sometimes, it doesn't have to go to court to get resolved. Communication may be able to sort it out and come to a resolution. It might be worth exploring, at least to get some answers and maybe and agreement. I'd be careful about just taking the word from a lay person about legal fees. You can get the consult and let the attorney quote you fees and explain the options.
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Huck,
Your story sounds a lot like my Mothers's and her gentleman friend's situation. I will try to no make this too long.

Mother's gentleman friend was not in that great of shape himself. He was beginning to show signs of early dementia himself. Being in Mother's constant company was beginning to be too much for him. He could not accept that her family could not get the Drs to "fix" her. So he broke off the relationship with my Mother. That day my Mother began crying nonstop. We got her into her Dr. She was sent to the ER. She was evaluated in the ER and admitted to the Geriatric Psychiatric floor within the hospital. Her diagnosis was a Psychotic Break and a Severe Depressive Disorder in addition to her unspecified Dementia. Mother told the Psychiatrist "something" horrible about her gentleman friend. The Psychiatrist could not tell me what the "something" was but I was told to change the locks on Mother's house and there was to be "no contact" until my Mother was stabilized and could make a decision for herself.

Mother was stabilized after about 14 days but fell numerous times while in the hospital. She then went to inpatient physical rehab for 100 days then became a Patient of the Nursing Home.

It was all a very sad situation. My sister and I were very fond of my Mother's gentleman friend. But, we, myself and my sister, and the Psychiatrist had to consider whatever the threat my Mother expressed to the Psychiatrist as real even though it may have come from a broken place in her brain.

Eventually, The gentleman friend was allowed to visit Mother in the Nursing Home. During one of his first visits he brought my Mother a pocket knife for her to keep "for her protection". An aide found it. There were lots of meetings and discussions. The facility wanted the gentleman to visit Mother because he was so fun and lifted Mother's spirits so but his son had to accompany him and be present at all times.
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Veronica91

I spent every day looking after her and even visited daily after the in-home 24 hour caregivers took over. I had one of the caregivers terminated after she showed me videos she had made of previous clients in states of undress; drooling, etc. I mentioned this to the court and no action was taken with the Police though it is a felony. The legal system folks are all in bed together so I'm back to you can't fight City Hall in some cities.

My friend was still in her beautiful home until she was yanked out on a whim by the guardian. Neither myself, her sister or son were notified.

After discussing this my my family and friends, I am not willing to keep fighting the visitation issue due to my own health and an aging mother and aunt to take care of to boot. You have to pick your battles. Is my death from stress and fighting this forever, along with my other health issues, worth it? How will I be of good to my mother and aunt if I'm deceased over this. I can't help it if she has a sorry family.

Yes, I could do lots of things to keep the pot stirred. My best friend finally said, "You've got to let this go. You should just remember her and all the good times you had until she acquired this awful disease. She is not the same person any longer and is a shell of herself."

While it breaks my heart, and there have been many, many tears and lack of sleep, I just retired and want to have a few good years left before God comes calling. I have a moral and ethical responsibility to take care of my mother now. My lady friend has a sister and son who have treated her like a piece of concrete and just want money, money, money from her.

I hope that EVERY penny is spent on her health care. Her son fought for guardianship and lost to the attorney aforementioned. What does that tell you about him? He owed her half a million dollars and there is a lien on her home due to his shenanigans.
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Do you know the name of the facility ? How is the guardian being compensated? If you suspect financial abuse by this guardian you might contact the ombudsman or APS
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Veronica91:

She called me every day for the first week until they took her mobile/cell phone. I'm sure she has been asking for me constantly. That is probably why they don't want her to see me. I got that from a caregiver who stayed with her until they cut off the care-giving during the acclimation to the facility.
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Sounds fishy... if she has any significant estate, her son may be behind all this. Possible he got her or the attorney to make him executor. You might want to see if you can get a lawyer to send a letter to the guardian lawyer and request an explanation and confirm you are still executor. Who is paying for that guardian lawyer anyway? My guess would be the son or sister are after her money and you are in the way.
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