Caring for my parents I'm not able to have a love life am I? - AgingCare.com

Caring for my parents I'm not able to have a love life am I?

Follow
Share

I'm 53 my girlfriend is 46 I take care of my parents they like be in my house. I live in a trailer and I take care of there sick dogs and mine. I don't have any time really to see my girlfriend because of all my other responsibilities, so should I just break up with her?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
8

Answers

Show:
My husbands aunt (90) and her late husband were engaged for 25 years. They each had widowed mothers that they were devoted to and decided not to marry as long as their mothers lived. They both were very involved in their siblings lives and helped send younger siblings to college and raise nieces and nephews and they both worked physically demanding jobs. Finally when aunt was in her 50's her mother told her that she should marry. Aunts fiancé mother had died and aunts mother felt sorry for him living alone. So she took an early retirement. Her fiancé was already retired. They bought a nice home and moved in along with her mother. Her mother died in a few years. A few years later her husband died. They were married 11 years. Only within the last few years have I heard her say that she had regrets. She regretted that she was not willing to give more of herself to her husband and she regretted not having a child. She has no regrets about caring for her mother. I knew her mother ( my husbands grandmother) and she was a delight and not to take anything away from aunt, but GM was very self sufficient unlike your parents. She died of a heart attack at 88. I didn't have as much time to spend with aunts husband but if he had regrets I never knew of them. He died in his 70s. Either way they lived full lives that really mattered to many people. Could they have married earlier? I'm sure they could have but they didn't. She's been alone now for 23 years. Does your family know about your girlfriend? Would they want you to give up your personal life? Do you welcome your girlfriend into your home? Six months is not 25 years but it's long enough to be able to have authentic conversations. You know Loving, you matter and so does your girlfriend. Her asking you to set boundaries might feel like more stress but might also be you being uncomfortable with anyone looking out for you. If brother is moving near, hopefully he will be a resource to help you to have some balance in your life. Regardless of what happens with your girlfriend, be sure to take care of yourself and welcome all the help you can get for all your sakes.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Love2016, you have set your priorities. You have determined what your boundaries are. That is certainly your right. Your responsibility is to be totally honest with your girlfriend: "My parents will always come first in my life. I will not be free to commit totally to someone else until they both die. I will try to make time to have you in my life, but that will never be my top priority."

If she knows this, then she can make up her own mind if coming in second best and getting scraps of leftover attention is OK with her. But even if she thinks that is OK, don't be surprised if her interest in being with you fades over time.

Caring for parents puts a strain on the adult child and his or her relationships. We've seen that strain in many posts from married people. No one can give 100% of their attention to their parents and their spouse and children and have enough energy to take care of themselves. In the case of married people the resolution is often to do more overseeing of the parents' care and less of the hands-on caregiving. Since you are not yet married the option to drop the relationship in favor of hands-on care of your parents is less drastic than a divorce would be. Is that the option you want?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Being a full time caregiver for my Mother has brought me closer to God. My boyfriend understands, He says some day we will be together. We talk on the phone every few days. He lives out of town and has a similar life taking care of his mother and himself. God has blessed us so much to give us this time and relationships with our Mothers and family. We are not stringing each other along but praising God. I've just been made an official member of the choir at my church and keep in the Word. My son visits while I attend choir practice, services, attend our house, go shopping, etc.
Mother is going to be 100 this year. We have a loving relationship and a close family with Mother in the center of everything, a son who lives in the area participates. His daughter has 3 children and she is expecting another child. We have 5 generations. We are all loving every moment especially now that Mother is in an Assisted Living facility that welcomes and encourages our participation. I had wanted to have mother come home with me, but now that she is relocated to a very good Assisted Living Facility. I will be forever grateful that my son took the lead in the move. My brother was all for the move and as to the extended family, i.e., a cranky cousin, if he has a problem that is on him.

We have happiness and progress in seeing Mom rebuilding her strength, mind and health. If she regains her independence such as getting out of her wheelchair, walking more with a walker, getting more Independent: she is making so much progress it is all possible. That is all up to Gods will for her. It is my job to stand by her.
After clicking the "post answer" I an never sure that it has posted. It would be helpful if the script would disappear after it is posted. Forgive me if this is a double post.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Being a full time caregiver for my Mother has brought me closer to God. My boyfriend understands, He says some day we will be together. We talk on the phone every few days. He lives out of town and has a similar life taking care of his mother and himself. God has blessed us so much to give us this time and relationships with our Mothers and family. We are not stringing each other along but praising God. I've just been made an official member of the choir at my church and keep in the Word. My son visits while I attend choir practice, services, attend our house, go shopping, etc.
Mother is going to be 100 this year. We have a loving relationship and a close family with Mother in the center of everything, a son who lives in the area participates. His daughter has 3 children and she is expecting another child. We have 5 generations. We are all loving every moment especially now that Mother is in an Assisted Living facility that welcomes and encourages our participation. I had wanted to have mother come home with me, but now that she is relocated to a very good Assisted Living Facility. I will be forever grateful that my son took the lead in the move. My brother was all for the move and as to the extended family, i.e., a cranky cousin, if he has a problem that is on him.

We have happiness and progress in seeing Mom rebuilding her strength, mind and health. If she regains her independence such as getting out of her wheelchair, walking more with a walker, getting more Independent: she is making so much progress it is all possible. That is all up to Gods will for her. It is my job to stand by her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Do you or your parents have the means to get outside help? It would help all of you long term, especially with their needs that are going to go up no matter what you do. It's great that you are helping your parents but you need to take a step back and reassess the situation. I think that is one of the things your girlfriend is telling you. She is also asking you is how important she is to you. You did give her an answer and pretty much said that she wasn't worth much or anything to you. If it continues on like this without making changes, just break up with her, don't string her along, you will just look like a massive jerk.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Well, I think as long as you feel that your parents come first and that you have to do what they want and make them happy even at the expense of your own relationship, then you really can't have a relationship. Your parents could live another decade or more, and how long do you think your girlfriend should wait for you to be willing and able to make time for her? She's not getting any younger either, nor are you.

If I were you, I would set my priorities differently, but you're not me and your priorities seem to be pretty well set. I don't think you need to break up with your girlfriend, but you definitely should be entirely honest with her about where your priorities lie and what the foreseeable future looks like for you and her. If the situation is acceptable to her, it's her choice. If not, she'll take care of the breaking up part herself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My mother broke her back and my father can't walk he is no longer driving they live in my home so I have to run all the errands and take them to drs apts. and  get them dinner when I'm home. I do work a full time job. Also they have dogs that need attention because of having diabetes. My dad has physical limitations because of  a car accident they are 75 and 77 and have been going down hill for the last couple years. I've been living  next to them for three years now. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months and she has said how I need boundaries. They are my parents they come first she just  doesn't understand. She doesn't complain at all. But the last couple months my moms been in and out of the hospital so I've had no time to spend with her. They do not pay me. I pay the mortgage and all the bills but I do have them pay utility's. They were suppose to go in a home a month ago but then my mom Braine her back again I bought there home with the plan that they were going in a home for 24 hour care. My mom changed her mind after the hospital so now  there staying in my house still  and I told them they could stay as long as they wanted rent free. Now my oldest brother lost his job and wants to move on my property and is making lots of changes and it's ok it's what my parents want. I have had to change plans with her a few times to help my dad with the dogs and she didn't say much but I could tell she was a little unhappy. I just don't want to lose her. But I have to take care of my parents and give them what they want. So I am burned out. Is it possible to even have a life life as a caregiver?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Love2016, can you give us more information, such as what are the health issues that require that you be a caregiver for your parents? Are you employed? What type of caregiving are you doing for your parents? Do your parents pay you for your caregiving?  How long have your parents been living with you?

How long have you been seeing your girlfriend? Does she say anything to you about not being able to see you very much? Does she want to help you care for your parents?

More information will help us get a better base for our answers :)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions