Follow
Share

A little back story first. Mom been living with me for 15 months. Since then, I left my job and health has suffered. Mental and physical.


On the other hand hers has improved and her domineer ways with it.


So, here we are and she has been given the key to newly redone apartment. I just don't have the strength or wherewith all to help her move out.


She has someone moving the heavy stuff and the small stuff but she is dragging her feet big time and using this last bit of time to guilt trip, manipulate and use me until she's gone.


Leading questions and so on.


Her self centeredness is at it's peak. I'm just biding my time at this point. What else can I do?

Find Care & Housing
Awww, so sorry. But sooner than later on those Boundries. Baby steps. If she can drive then u don't need to be doing for her. 😊
There's a lot of posts about Narcissistic parents and how to handle them.

Keep us updated on how things go.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

JoAnn, she drives. In fact she has been driving for a while. She also has SS income and pretty much is self sufficient. The only thing she won't have is me to harp at.
I don't see vegging for a few days, I see her creating some kind of drama to get some attention though.
And she is a whiz at losing her phone, or leaving it in her car or just not getting up to look for things. She really likes being catered to.
She has been parentifying me for years and/or infantilizing. (Two big terms used when you have a narcissistic parent). She has some kind of personality disordered that her sister and niece refuse to accept.
Anything done for her has to be done on her terms and any rejection means a blow up.
I am ready for at least one night of not having to have my brains picked and some quiet. But it will take a while for the boundaries to set up.

PS She has already started b*tching about me coming over to help her with her meds or bills. And it hasn't even happened yet!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Rbuser1
Report

When it's all over you can take a BIG breath and let it out. Get your self a glass of wine and big pc of chocolate cake. Veg out for a few days. Don't answer the phone. Then establish boundries. If its a Hud complex there is probably transportation to shopping and appts. Find out what they do for residents. If no transportation, then Office of Aging maybe able to help. Even for info on resources. She should be able to get help with electric and food stamps. Find out if any grocery stores deliver. Tell Mom you need a break.

Maybe set up one day a week that u take her shopping and run errands. I am sure you realize with this personality you need to set boundries for your sanity.

New year maybe new job. I think it would be a good thing. Then u can say "sorry Mom, new job, can't take time off".
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Reading your question, I am thinking about my own children.
My mother is moving here to Montana to be closer to me. Although she is moving into a retirement village, she is very much like your mother. I think we have to set boundaries.
I have always thought that children are supposed to grow up and have lives of their own.
Dig deep and get her into the apartment. The guilt trip may be easier to handle if she's not right on top of you. And you are more likely able to handle helping her if you can have some peace once in a while.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to xrayjodib
Report

Wave bye bye and get on with your life
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to PandabearAUS
Report

lealonnie1, yes prayer works. As does words of encouragement from this forum.
As for her last digs-yes she still needs to put me in my place. FOG.
take care and I'm glad to be back so thank you!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Rbuser1
Report

She's likely getting in her last digs & parting shots, needing to have the last word, so to speak. You can pray....that always keeps me calm. And count down the minutes/hours until she's in her own place & you are smelling the sweet aroma of FREEDOM! Sending positive vibes your way.........this is over soon! YAY!

PS: Glad you are back!!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

RBuser would she let you set up auto bill pay for her? Have you heard of PillPack.com? These will help you to help her but at a distance and reliably.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Geaton777
Report
Rbuser1 Jan 9, 2020
I have some of her bills on auto pay and then a few I send checks to. I don't even mind that part of it-it's something I can actually do to help. If and when she starts talking 'funny money' and accusatory-then I will rethink that bit of help. I also would actually do her checks from my house and then just go over there and go over it with her so she will see what I did. She is more self reliant than she lets on.
Same with the meds. I've heard of Pillpacks, it's something I can look into. She doesn't fuss at me about doing her meds, so again-it is something I can do without much hassle. Thankfully.
(1)
Report
AlvaDeer, that is my plan. She knows it. I will stick to it. She has someone set up to move her things. This is happening Saturday. As for her smaller items, boxes etc I offered to help with that and she said no, I don't want you to hurt your back and in the next breath she wants me to go with her to pick out an area rug and that's ok for my back. I have to laugh at her caring nature.
So, in response to that-I backed off on helping altogether.
She has people who she can pay with other things. My offer to her was to help with mailing off her monthly bills, and med management-which is doing her weekly pill box. The limit with that offer is-I can't manage when and if she takes them like she should.
Thank you for your reply. I'm sure I will have some stops and starts through this transition.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Rbuser1
Report

Pay to have this done and it is over. Beg, borrow, steal the money and get it done. And then it is done. I am so relieved you are on your way. And DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN. Whatever the answers are, they don't include moving in with you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Rbuser, are you grudgingly helping her because she has no other family willing to help? Is her apartment a senior independent living one? I'm trying to get info to assess what your options are -- and you do have options -- but you need to be willing to act on the options. No one controls you unless you allow it. You can step back from this relationship for your own sake, but only if your are willing to put up and stick to boundaries, as she will try to continue to treat you poorly. If your mom has enough money to live in an apartment, she has enough money to hire someone to help with the rest of the moving efforts, and then her care going forward. I'm sorry you left your job for this, as I would suggest you go back to work and tell your mother you NEED to work to support yourself, therefore you can't help her nearly as much as you've had in the past. Having a job *that you like* will refresh you, give you an outlet and give you perspective on yourself. The only defender of your boundaries is you, and you need to show your mom where they are. I wish you wisdom, courage, rest and peace in your heart!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Geaton777
Report
Rbuser1 Jan 9, 2020
At this point Geaton, I have had to put the brakes on what I will and won't do to help. No, there is no family to help with any of this, and she has made it plain to me that she doesn't want them to because she worries about their 'health'. Those are her flying monkeys, the ones who she runs me into the ground to. No matter, that won't be in my face anymore at least not as much.
I think about a job and work that I like but, and I am getting emotional thinking about this, I'm not sure I can handle being back in the public. This depression is doing a number on. It's not to say that I won't climb back out of this place I'm in. One of the things dear Mom has insinuated is that I will be coming to her for $$ in a matter of time and I would rather eat a fire ant.
Oh, and this apartment isn't independent living. It is a HUD apartment complex that she had lived in for 20 years prior to being displaced. Everything has been replaced with all new, well everything. Kitchen appliances, stack washer and dryer. All of it. She is extremely fortunate to be able to go back there. But given her attitude of entitlement-not sure if she realizes it.
(2)
Report
A question has come up: "What else can I do?"

Have your own home draped for termites tomorrow. Stay with Mom at her apt
overnight?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Sendhelp
Report
Rbuser1 Jan 8, 2020
That is something that won't ever happen. Stay with her at her apartment. NO WAY.
I pledge to never live with her again.
Termites are a non issue.
thanks for your reply.
(4)
Report
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter