Is it normal to feel guilty for placing Mom in a NH?

I think it's very normal to feel guilty about placing a parent in a nursing home. When my dad went into a nursing home after living with me for years I felt very guilty. He didn't spend a lot of time in his room and when I'd go and visit him and finally track him down I would see him, sitting in his wheelchair, as I approached and the guilt would almost knock me over. I knew he was where he was supposed to be. He was very sick and I couldn't care for him at home anymore but logically knowing he was where he could get the best care didn't help the guilt I felt. He's been gone now for over a year and when I sit and really think about it that guilt still comes up, even now.

I realize we all probably go through the *if only I could have done more* for our parent(s). We need to keep reminding ourselves that we are not Superman or Superwoman.

Looking back on caregiving, now that my mother has passed away, I tell myself, "My mother was dying and then she died...and in between I did all I could do to make her feel comfortable and loved." If we can say that about our caregiving--whether that is in our homes or placing them in a facility when the time comes--then we can have peace. We do our best and that's all we can do.

Was her level of need sufficient to place her in a NH? Was she still cooking for people and able to function on her own? I'm not sure I understand.

If not, and she is not able to function on her own, then she would be better served in a place that meets her needs. I'm not sure what that need is, but some people need Assisted Living, some need Memory Care assisted living and some need nursing homes. Have you determined she is in the proper place? If so, then I would allow that to provide me with confidence that I did the right thing.

I understand that sometimes we have to grieve the loss of someone we once knew because they are not able to function or behave the way they used to be. That's sad, but we can gain strength and piece of mind that they are where they will be the most cared for.

Maybe she can make or frost cupcakes or cookies, or participate in some smaller version of what she used to do. Maybe things have gone downhill too fast and she realy can't. It is always sad when the matriarch has to give up on some of the family traditions, no two ways about it though. We brought holiday meals to my Mom when that's all that was possible. She enjoyed them and we have the pictures to prove it. Sorry you are facing this first Christmas without Mom being the good old Mom who could do it all. I know you will pray and think and come up with ways make the best possible season out of it somehow.