I just became caregiver for my 85 year old father after the doctor DEMANDED that he not live alone anymore.

My father and I have never had the greatest relationship. Though I love him (more because I'm SUPPOSED to), he's Narcissistic (confirmed by professional) and grumpy, and demanding, and ... MEAN. He has run off all of his ex wives and other children - 13 to be exact, yet for some reason, I got stuck with caring for him.

This is the first week, and it had been tough. Between him screaming at me for taking him from his home, and holding him hostage in mine or taking him from the toxic "friend" that was taking money out of his bank account and stealing from him and being called selfish. I am DONE!

I spent my whole childhood taking care of him (he's been legally blind since I was born), and I finally had found the courage to start living for myself. Though I have lived 1.5 hours away from him for 10+ years, I had finally made peace with the fact that it was OK to not want to spend extended time with an old ungrateful grump and had reduced my visits to 3 a year.

My life was just starting to make sense. On the verge of moving in with the most wonderful man I've ever met and starting my own law practice.... things were good. Then BAM!!!! His COPD and Congestive Heart Failure got the best of him.

So... not being cruel and put him in a home, I did what was best for me...moved him to my city. Since then I've been called names (by him and the LOCAL relatives that didn't want to accept the responsibility) and I've just been so ANGRY!!!

I didn't tell the man to smoke himself to oblivion, and now he's suggesting that I move back home where HE's comfortable. Whining: What about me?!?!?!

I'm sure it's very hard to lose independence and be sick, but I feel like he brought this on himself. If he hadn't pushed everyone in his life away (he really is MEAN), more people may have stepped up to the plate to help him!

AAAAARRRRRRGH!!!! I didn't ask for this, and the more he gripes about my house being too fancy or too hot or too cold or me being fat (at 121 pounds) or not cleaning the house properly or wanting to go home, I just get furious.

Then I feel like this terrible person for being angry.

Is this normal?

Sorry about the rant...

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
If you feel so against caring for him, that probably isn't the best solution. I'd make some phone calls and see if you can't find some help in caring for him. There are agencies out there, some are private pay, and some are used by Medicare. If he doesn't want to be alone, perhaps he needs some company or a caregiver of sorts.

Not everyone can be caregivers. Not everyone wants to be a caregiver and honestly I think that not everyone benefits from having a loved one as a caregiver especially those who are not really the easiest to get along with. I'm lucky in that most of the time, my grandma is not angry or complaining a whole lot. Other loved ones are not like that at all and are hard to be around much less care for.

You aren't a bad person for not wanting to care for him. Just do your homework and check around to see the options for getting some caregivers or even a senior living area or something. There are tons of options out there for him that don't include your house or you giving up your life.
Helpful Answer (1)

No he can't be alone, but nobody can force you to take care of him. If he was a vet, call the VA. If he is poor, call the county office of the aging.
You are not a terrible person. You're just someone who can't say NO.
Helpful Answer (3)

I think what you are feeling is normal. There are many here who are taking care of narcissistic parents. I assume that you have durable and medical POA for him?

You can find a lot on this site related to the subject of narcissistic parents.

I do wonder why didn't you put him in a nursing home?
Helpful Answer (3)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter