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I am lost without my mom. She is in Assisted Living. I was visiting her in the morning, come home, then went back in the afternoon. The head nurse said I need to go just once a day, so I have been trying to just go in the afternoon. My mom just waits for me, I feel so bad and miss her. Am I crazy??

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debrowsley: Are you an only child? Are you married? Do you have children? I can understand your feelings about a loss of history and those who shared it with you\, meaning your parents. I might feel that loss more keenly if, God forbid, I was to lose my husband. I was with my parents for 18 years, but I've been with my husband for 39 years. He knows me, warts and all, and we have grown together through difficult times and good times. He is my best friend.

I'm 63 years old now and I understand that we come to this earth, we live our lives and we pass. Some will remember us, but they will pass too as well as those behind them.

So take every opportunity to live now. Nature takes it's course and people pass on, some more gently than others. You have one life, so don't worry about the history. Live in the present. Take a walk and look around you at the birds, the sky, the trees, the grass and remember that the one who created all of this, also created you. By creation, you are connected to all living things. You are part of this spirit of life and renewal. You are never alone.

Love and Hugs, Cattails
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If you have the time to visit your mother twice a day I think you should see her then. Your mother seems like she is an important person in your life. She may not always be with you so your time with her is very important. If seeing her twice a day makes you and her happy, enjoy being with her and sharing the special times you have together. I just lost my mother and miss her so much, I would enjoy visiting with again.
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My mom has her mind, is very nervous and just lost my dad in October. I get tires of hearing comments from the aides, one told me I should get a bed next to my mother, I baby her too much. My mom is in a wheelchair and has trouble walking and going to the bathroom. Wish people were more understanding.
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Maryann - realize that both you and your mom are going through mourning - it's only been like 6 months since your dad died. Difficult for all. Anxiety is normal.
Plus the transition to a whole new living situation.

About the AL staff, from their perspective they have a set routine and instead of having 1 resident (your mom) they now have 2 to deal with. They are trying to wean you off by suggesting you limit your visits.

It sounds like you have free time and are a bit adrift.

My suggestion to you is to speak with the AL activities co-ordinator - see if you can work with her to get things together for activities they do at the AL. This will give you an opportunity to go to see your mom for a brief visit, then go and help the activities gal (right now they are probably doing something for Mother's day) for an hour or 2, then go back and see your mom for another short visit, then leave. You actually help activities gal get stuff done - like sit and cut out pictures of flowers from a magazine for them to use the next day, etc. Then help on activities - this way you can interact with your mom and get to know some of the other residents and help bridge friendships between your mom and the other ladies. It will give your mom a "proud" thing to talk about too. You also get to know what the staff is like and who can be your point person to help your mom best (and who to avoid) and which residents are battle-axes'. Even if you're not an arts & crafts person there is stuff you can help activities with, like lining up the walkers if it's an exercise class or being an escort when they go on a shopping trip. I would do the shopping trips when my mom was in IL and I was in town for a few days to visit - hysterical fun escorting 80 & 90 yr olds some with walkers around Merle Norman & Steinmart. The activities gal is going to have the most flexibility in having a volunteer about. Good luck & keep busy.
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They have no right to tell you when to visit. I would think it would be better for her for you visit more than once a week. My mom passed away in January and I visited her in the nursing home almost everyday. Now, I wished I had gone even more often. I would love to see her now. You go whenever you want!
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Maryann: You can't save everyone. This has been a hard year for everyone in your family. You don't have the power to change the past year, but you can get some help for yourself in coping with your current and future circumstances. I would suggest that you find a good therapist to help you navigate the issues you face and all the feelings you experience.

I've gone back and read your other posts. I'm sorry your husband suffered a heart attack and that you are so pulled between your mom's unhappiness and your husband's health issues.

You are not responsible for your mom's unhappiness. She is in AL because she needs professional care. Is there any medication that would help her anxiety? Possibly, at this time, you would benefit from some medication to help your anxiety.

I hope you can get some sound guidance. My heart goes out to you. Cattails.
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Maryann, it sounds like your mother is good at emotional blackmail which buttons were placed inside of you as a child, most likely so she could press them in adulthood to make you feel like a child once again and responsible for how 'mommy feels'. As I've suggested earlier on some thread and you have agreed, I still believe therapy would help you greatly.

I agree with cattails and I also think it is time with your mom now where she needs to be for herself, that you now take some time to take care of your self and that you and your husband find ways to spend time together wherein you both agree to set the boundary of no mom talk at those times. I realize that is going to be tough, but from a husband's point of view, it can be very helpful to the relationship. You mom has people taking care of her. You did not cause her to have OCD nor did you cause her to go to the hospital those four time, nor can you control her problems or fix them. She must take responsibility for her own feelings. You can't, as some say, feel her feelings for her or mirror her emotions right back at her as if they were your own for they are not. On the other hand, it sounds like your husband has just you, but it sounds like emotionally you are somewhat enmeshed with your mom. There a therapist would be most helpful. I suggest finding a licensed clinical social worker type therapist for to me they have good training and they have their feet on the ground. Please, take care of you.
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Sometimes you have to take care of yourself. I miss my mom being at home with me. She has dementia, bur she loves me and wants me to feel better, finish school and get back to work. She knows that she will be taken care off and that I will be over frequently and so will my husband and son. Hard decision--my family (most of them) and my friends, and my doctors--they are supporting me. I appreciate them for telling me like it is.
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maryann, when I first left my mom in the assisted living facility and drove home. I did not cry. I was relieved. I was relieved for her getting care from a professional but friendly staff. I was relieved because I knew I would start getting sleep again. I was relieved because I knew that I could travel and go on vacations again. I was relieved for my marriage. I was going to be able to finish a few classes and get back to work. And, I could always visit whenever it was a good time for her and for me. And, the thing that I see you finding out, you can take care of yourself again, That is so important. You do not want to be one of the caregivers who is outlived by a loved one. It happens. I will remain in the caregiver support group. They are family and we let it like it is to each other. That is priceless. Slow down and take care of yourself. Here's a {{{{hug}}}}. You deserve it.
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Thanks Tomatilla,

I hope I stay in the mood I am in, I really need to work on taking care of myself. I retired four years ago, me and my husband were travelling, and then he got sick and then my Dad died. My husband still is having health issues, that is emotionally draining also. I have no children. So hopefully now I can take care of myself and get back to my life.
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