Is it normal to miss my mom so much in Assisted Living? - AgingCare.com

Is it normal to miss my mom so much in Assisted Living?

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I am lost without my mom. She is in Assisted Living. I was visiting her in the morning, come home, then went back in the afternoon. The head nurse said I need to go just once a day, so I have been trying to just go in the afternoon. My mom just waits for me, I feel so bad and miss her. Am I crazy??

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Thanks Tomatilla,

I hope I stay in the mood I am in, I really need to work on taking care of myself. I retired four years ago, me and my husband were travelling, and then he got sick and then my Dad died. My husband still is having health issues, that is emotionally draining also. I have no children. So hopefully now I can take care of myself and get back to my life.
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maryann, when I first left my mom in the assisted living facility and drove home. I did not cry. I was relieved. I was relieved for her getting care from a professional but friendly staff. I was relieved because I knew I would start getting sleep again. I was relieved because I knew that I could travel and go on vacations again. I was relieved for my marriage. I was going to be able to finish a few classes and get back to work. And, I could always visit whenever it was a good time for her and for me. And, the thing that I see you finding out, you can take care of yourself again, That is so important. You do not want to be one of the caregivers who is outlived by a loved one. It happens. I will remain in the caregiver support group. They are family and we let it like it is to each other. That is priceless. Slow down and take care of yourself. Here's a {{{{hug}}}}. You deserve it.
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Yes, I agree, I do appreciate people telling me like it is!! I may get hurt, but it is the only way I can grow from this experience. I know this is what is best for my mom, some days are better than others for me. My mom has been like this for awhile, my dad took care of her, so I don't know if she had dementia or if it was her ocd or depression, or all three. It's been a journey, thanks so much for this site and everyone. Yesterday I left my mom and went shopping, made me feel better. It's been running back and forth between my mom and husband, needed time for just myself.
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Sometimes you have to take care of yourself. I miss my mom being at home with me. She has dementia, bur she loves me and wants me to feel better, finish school and get back to work. She knows that she will be taken care off and that I will be over frequently and so will my husband and son. Hard decision--my family (most of them) and my friends, and my doctors--they are supporting me. I appreciate them for telling me like it is.
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debrowsley: Are you an only child? Are you married? Do you have children? I can understand your feelings about a loss of history and those who shared it with you\, meaning your parents. I might feel that loss more keenly if, God forbid, I was to lose my husband. I was with my parents for 18 years, but I've been with my husband for 39 years. He knows me, warts and all, and we have grown together through difficult times and good times. He is my best friend.

I'm 63 years old now and I understand that we come to this earth, we live our lives and we pass. Some will remember us, but they will pass too as well as those behind them.

So take every opportunity to live now. Nature takes it's course and people pass on, some more gently than others. You have one life, so don't worry about the history. Live in the present. Take a walk and look around you at the birds, the sky, the trees, the grass and remember that the one who created all of this, also created you. By creation, you are connected to all living things. You are part of this spirit of life and renewal. You are never alone.

Love and Hugs, Cattails
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debowsley,

My mother's vascular dementia and while she knows me, she is not able to really hold much of a conversation.

Her decline is sad, but eventually I will be a senior citizen and decline myself just like I saw my grandfather, grandmother and great aunt do. However, I don't feel any lost of my history or my identity. Anyhow, there are parts of this section of my history which are better off lost than hung onto.

My dad on the other hand appears to be just starting some signs of dementia, but more so his total loss of strength. That is sad, but their also I don't feel like I'm loosing my history or my identity. I've taken his slides from our trips over the years of 1961-1983 and made a movie of them using microsoft movie maker.

That is a part of my history and identity, but not all of it for since my mother and father divorced when I was three, I've had to become more of a survivor and in my teenage years created an unofficial family which helped me survive.

My current history and identity is more rooted in the now of being married and having two sons who are in college trying to find their way as well as enjoying what some call the empty nest syndrome which my wife and I are actually enjoying being a couple on our own again for we never stopped being a couple while raising our children which some couples do.

I'm sorry for your losses and the early grief that you are already dealing with, but you will survive it all and come out a stronger person than you were before this transitional phase of life. I wish you well. I'm not saying that it is going to be easy, but I am saying that you will be ok.
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I miss both my parents. They have dementia, and my father does not even know me. My father and mother both live up north now, where it is not easy for me to even visit. I will get my chance this summer, but I know I can never go back to the relationship we had when their memories were intact. I am losing part of my history and identity in the process of their losing their minds. This may not may not make sense to people who have not been through dealing with dementia. I would spend every possible minute with my mom if I could.
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Maryann, it sounds like your mother is good at emotional blackmail which buttons were placed inside of you as a child, most likely so she could press them in adulthood to make you feel like a child once again and responsible for how 'mommy feels'. As I've suggested earlier on some thread and you have agreed, I still believe therapy would help you greatly.

I agree with cattails and I also think it is time with your mom now where she needs to be for herself, that you now take some time to take care of your self and that you and your husband find ways to spend time together wherein you both agree to set the boundary of no mom talk at those times. I realize that is going to be tough, but from a husband's point of view, it can be very helpful to the relationship. You mom has people taking care of her. You did not cause her to have OCD nor did you cause her to go to the hospital those four time, nor can you control her problems or fix them. She must take responsibility for her own feelings. You can't, as some say, feel her feelings for her or mirror her emotions right back at her as if they were your own for they are not. On the other hand, it sounds like your husband has just you, but it sounds like emotionally you are somewhat enmeshed with your mom. There a therapist would be most helpful. I suggest finding a licensed clinical social worker type therapist for to me they have good training and they have their feet on the ground. Please, take care of you.
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Maryann: You can't save everyone. This has been a hard year for everyone in your family. You don't have the power to change the past year, but you can get some help for yourself in coping with your current and future circumstances. I would suggest that you find a good therapist to help you navigate the issues you face and all the feelings you experience.

I've gone back and read your other posts. I'm sorry your husband suffered a heart attack and that you are so pulled between your mom's unhappiness and your husband's health issues.

You are not responsible for your mom's unhappiness. She is in AL because she needs professional care. Is there any medication that would help her anxiety? Possibly, at this time, you would benefit from some medication to help your anxiety.

I hope you can get some sound guidance. My heart goes out to you. Cattails.
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Yes, I have always felt guilt with my mom. My mom suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder and was hospitalized four times. I didn't go in the morning and just in the afternoon for the last two days, and now she is not eatting and is starting to get weak. The aides said it is hard for her to get up to go to the bathroom. My husband is sick also, been such a horrible time.
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