Oldest daughter won't even call her mother, vary rarely visits and when she does she only interacts with her children. She has stated she has no time to give. She will text, but her mother can no longer read or text in return. I also have told her I do not text. Her texts are no more than three words unless it is to give information of upcoming events for her mother to go to see her grandchildren to play sports or school events. I have told her she is unable to come to these events anymore and since I am the only one taking care of her I can't come either.

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I don't think he is looking for help, he just wants the daughter to take a little time for her Mom. My brother couldn't stand to sed Mom the way she was. But then, he lived 8 hrs away and hardly visited or called. Same with my other brother.

Why, because Mom never expected anything from her boys.
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Well, he did entitle the thread "nonhelpful children." But actually I think you might've put your finger on an issue below the surface. What if the father would like the daughter to be more helpful/engaged *without his needing to say so*?
Is your Wife on Hospice? If so you know you can get volunteers that will come in and sit with her so you can get a break.
What other children do you have? Are they more involved..with you and your wife?
there is not much you can do with the one that is removing herself from the situation. It is possible that she is doing this to insulate herself and it is her way to cope. Not facing a situation can let some people think that it does not exist.
Keep her posted just as you do with the others, send an email rather than texting if you do not text. It is her decision to respond to emails from you or info from others.
I know what this is like and all I can say is when she does "come around" welcome her back. No good comes from carrying anger or resentment.
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Ah, you are retired. Contact the Preacher's Aid Society of New England, (UMC) for referrals in your area. Someone may come out to better assess your needs.
Check your retirement pension and disability for needed services benefits, which may provide in home care.

You do have my concern for the heavy burden(s) you are carrying.

A warning, for caregivers everywhere:
It so happens that the caregiver often passes away sooner than the one needing care. Percent is 35%????
Focus on your health, do not neglect yourself.
Your request for advice has come to my attention. I personally know of a pastor who died of a massive coronary while caregiving his wife. She is still alive, years

How are you?
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Call social services and see what you might be able to bring in for your wife. Also pay for care givers. Why do you expect a daughter with what sounds like young children to be able to provide care? She has already told you she has no time to give. Look outside  your children.
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It's hard to respond to this with so little information. What was the daughter's relationship with her mother before her mother's impairments? What about with you? Are you her father? Are there other children? Do they visit/help their mother?

Many people seem to expect that once a parent become elderly and starts needing help, the adult children will automatically shift into gear and start providing it. It often doesn't work that way, and there can be a wide variety of reasons. They run the gamut from not wanting to see the parent decline to harboring old resentments over childhood grievances or favoritism towards another sibling. You probably won't get the truth from your/her daughter unless you and she have a very good, open relationship. I'm guessing if you're asking this forum, then that is not the case.
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You've caught me at an unusually sensitive moment, when I too am feeling the pain "sharper than a serpent's tooth." It is bad enough to suspect that you don't make it onto your child's top 100 priorities list, without having it rubbed in through invitations to events that you can't possibly get to.

But the actual issue is that you are your wife's primary caregiver and feeling the strain, and more support is needed. A woman with school age children, and those children active participants in what sounds like a gratifying range of interests, does not often have time at her disposal. So your daughter is not the right resource. And the other children? - are they in much the same position?

I hesitate both to mix my metaphors and to quote the bible at you with any "physician heal thyself" thoughts, but surely you of all people must have the right contacts to find better, independent solutions? How long is it since your wife has needed so much care that you've both become effectively housebound?
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As a pastor, you can make a difference speaking to adult children from the pulpit,
(if you are not retired). You can teach about the Prodigal son. You can teach (from a personal standpoint) about a parent's pain, missing their children once grown. And, please teach that people could and should put their technology away often!

As a parent, please join us in our efforts to stop trying to change our sons and daughters, once they have left home. Try changing your expectations, less disappointment for you. Manage the best you can without looking to your children to meet your needs.

Your daughter has stated she has no time to give. My advice is to respect that.

Trust your Lord and Savior to heal that damaged pain in your heart. Of course, pray, but be thankful your daughter has a life, with choices.


You have other children who visit?
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