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Dad died 2009. We had excellent parents and they just don't help they barely visit, they r mad because years ago my parents made me POA of all there business and told me not to share the info with them its in writing. I think thats why they won't come. And I'm the only girl. But my parents told me you are the most responsible. It makes me sad and angry.

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Sorry I didnt stay on topic and this was long, I just got Full inside thinking of the foolishness.
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Freflyer, thanks and I did try to have a sit down with them so many times I lost count. I want them to know the funny thing is if I shared it with they would declare I cohorts my parents. Trust me I would take of my parents period, heck there my parents. Years ago my dad had 8 houses, I was the on collect the rent, served evictions, clean the homes, everything when my dad called my brothers they would always come a day late. So each year my dad would sale a property for one dollar. He would ask the oldest first then the youngest, no one bought the property but me, now they r still. Understand t his I have a good job, 401k 457k rot acc and I retire in 4 years with a pension because I listened to my parents. I paid and sent them on cruises, vacations because they took good care of us. One last thing my 2 youngest brothers are the worst and they are elders in a church, my parents sat us down and explained to us they r getting older and tired my brothers never listen. Understand this my parents had good jobs retired the whole nine yards but with there money I pay 4 people to come in and care for my mom while im at work where do they think the money is coming from. Now I asked those of them that r laid off if u watch ur own mother while im at work I while pay u good but they think I should just give them the money. I really believe also my parents knew that due to having so many brothers I never took no crap from them or their wives. I allow them to visit but I had to start telling them if u dont come at the time you say you coming, DON'T COME! Its disrespectful to mom cause she is trying to stay woke to see you, SHE IS OLD AND ILL! and its DISRESPECTFUL to ME. I also have things to do. One time I over heard my dad tell my mom that they never had to evict me from my parents properties, I paid my rent and bought the properties also I never took any mess from my brothers and she was always fair. So im angry at their ignorance and only c a ring about one thing money and not MOM....God has truly help me care for both of them now its just mom and she gets everything and more. If she see it on TV and I can get it ITS DONE. Sorry so long
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Dezzie, welcome to the not so equal world of caregiving. If there is a family of boys with one girl, guess what, the girl is the chosen one to do all the caregiving. Aren't we lucky :P

I remember reading on the forum here where a parent had their son be the financial power of attorney even those he had a history of not being able to handle his own money, but the parents wouldn't choose the daughter who was an Accountant. That was just how it was, stereotypical thinking only males know how to take care of money. And only females know how to take care of people.

Glad the newer generations are being cross-trained.

And I can see where your brothers would be upset that you weren't giving out information, even though your parents told you not to. I would try to mend those bridges and start handing out bits and pieces of what is going on with Mom.
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The big issue with me and her is the money that mom and dad had came to me. I used it to pay off their house. She can't understand that. All she sees is I got the money she should get the house. How can anyone not understand that. If I had kept the money and she paid off the house I could understand her thoughts buy that is not the case
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I am sorry. New to this. I guess you can tell. I see it now. Hope it makes some sense.
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I will try again
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Gardenartist I did answer your question but don't see it
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Gardenartist you are right. No provisions. When my mom passed away everything went to dad. My dad did do a will but the house was to go to both of us. It did. My name is on the title but I can't sell without her and I can't evict her. It belongs to both of us. She won't sell because she has nowhere to live. I on the other hand have a home.
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I guess I skipped to the end before giving the middle. My sister and her husband did nothing for my dad after losing my mom and sister. My dad wanted to stay in his home after my mom passed. He wasn't able to do the things like remember his medicine. Eat etc. I was working, my sister didn't. I went three times a day to my dad to make sure he ate and took his meds etc. I ran 24-7. Why couldn't she help? The night my dad passed away I called my sister to let her know. She screamed a vulgar word. I told her it would be okay. She said no I just stubbed my toe getting back in the bed. Wow
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My post was directed to LosingMyMind, not the original poster.
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How did your sister "end up" with the house? So your sister's living in the house that your mother's funds paid off? Why?

Is she paying 1/2 of the maintenance costs?

What provisions did the Will provide as to paying off the house and/or sharing it with your sister?

I feel as though something's missing in the steps that were taken after your mother's death.
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God this is my life. Amazing. I lost my mom and 48 year old sister 2 months to the day apart in 2008 then in 2009 my dad. Mom and dad left me executor of the will. My only sister left hates me to this day. She says that she loves me but she or maybe her husband can't get over them leaving me in charge as they call it. I have never met anyone that really has a clue what I am going through. My sister ended up with our parents house. This is after I used what money was left to pay it off. The title however is in both our names. She feels I should sign it over to her because I got the money that was in our parents checking account. That money was what paid the house off. Shouldn't the house be split? I am so upset and feel alone.
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Dezzie, tell them as much as you can about how Dad's estate was settled and what provisions were made for Mom's long-term care. Update them on her health issues and how long she can remain at home and what kind of care she needs, like aides or RN's. Certainly invite them for Thanksgiving if only to make Mom happy. Mend fences. Build Bridges.
Remind them about her birthday and suggest what they can give her. Even if it is just a phone call, it will brighten her day.
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My inlaws lied to all us "kids" so we wouldn't find out the truth about their living situation. Truth was never discussed in my husband's family. Everything was always picture perfect. I am not that way and when my inlaw's personal finances started going downhill quickly I inserted myself into the situation and had a meeting with my husband and his brothers. I told them that if they don't get involved and come up with a plan for THEIR parents that I would call each of their wives and we would. Us "kids" started emailing one another and talking about my inlaws and their needs. It wasn't always pretty but it was honest. I was tired of my inlaws keeping secrets because it made things harder on my husband and me, who were their primary caregivers, later on. Inform your brothers about the reality of caregiving for your mom. Perhaps they'll show the woman some compassion and respect and pay her a visit. If you never get a reply from them just keep writing to them so they can never say they didn't know what was happening. I wish you lots of luck!
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CWillie makes a very good point, addressing an issue that's posted on repeatedly on these forums.

Sibling relationships are so often fractured either before, during or after caregiving. Sometimes they're just not repairable, and sometimes it's best to just look at the situation realistically and dispassionately, then move on. You can't change other people.

I would also ask what it is that you want from your siblings, and if there's any likelihood you'll get that. If not, be thankful that you've provided care when necessary, recognize that your siblings have their own issues, and remember in the long run that you were the one who stepped up when the need existed.

If you feel you need some validation from them, that's an entirely separate issue.

Accepting other people's limitations and how they affect us is so often a challenge in life, made especially more so when caregiving obligations aren't shared among siblings.
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Dezzie, what exactly is it you want from your brothers? You made the choice to bring your parents into your home, since you have POA it will also be up to you if you feel you can no longer care for your mom and need to place her in a care home. Your brothers presumably have their own families and obligations, and the reality is that many families are not emotionally close no matter what the caregiving situation is. It is also true that often the task of keeping family ties falls on the women, how often in the past have you gotten birthday cards or family news from your aunties or mom vs your uncles or dad?
I think you need to make peace with the way your life is instead of fantasizing about how it could be.
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You are in a hard position. Was there a good relationship between your Mom and the siblings before you brought them into your home? Was it a bad scene when your father passed?

It is so stressful and hard when you feel like you are the only one "holding the bag". Elderly parents can be so "cagey" about sharing financial details. Is the situation such that you could extend an "olive branch" to your siblings and give them a report of what is really going on? Ask them to come over during Thanksgiving weekend? From their perspective, they might feel like you are keeping secrets and of course that would make them defensive towards you.

All I am trying to say is that sometimes it IS healthy for families to be open about things even if the parents were very closed up people. Might be worth a try.
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You're not wrong for being angry at your brothers but that anger isn't going to help anything least of all you. What about sending them an email? A brief message that says something like, "Hey, why don't you come by the house this weekend for a quick visit. We'd love to see you." ?

Reach out to them, see what happens. If they reply that they can't make it for a visit then move on. At least you will have tried. Let them stew in resentment and anger while you get past it and stop letting it affect how you feel.

I'm sure you've told your siblings that your parents requested that you not share the details of the POA with anyone. I have to wonder why your siblings are upset with you? You're just doing what your parents asked. If your siblings should be upset with anyone I would think it would be with your parents and not you.

I understand your sadness and anger at the situation. Try to mend fences with your siblings, be the bigger person and reach out to them since they won't reach out to you. If they continue to stew in all of this and keep their distance at least you will have tried.
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