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I am her daughter, primary caregiver, "P.O.A", and one of four siblings ages 40-59. i live 10 minutes away from my parents, I am married to disabled retired husband of 25 years. Daily I visit my mother at her home and we have "discussions" of possible border line "abuse" my mother is receiving from my father. None of my siblings visit,call,send a card, nothing. I am almost bleeding out of my eyeballs crying about their lack of care and support. My father was raised in the south and was also shown abuse from his parents when growing up. So, obviously, I as well as my siblings were raised in a very physically, and emotionally abusive environment our whole lives while living at home. Mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer Dementia Parknsons Disease about 8 years ago. Also has many other health issues that are being maintained by my support or her medications. Dad has been very supportive caring for her with me over the last 7 years or so. Within the last 6-7 months, he has been away from their house more often than none, and mom tells me he also refuses to help her with meal prep., help her clean up, change her clothes, help her with dentures, make or pour her coffee or drink or food at meal time anymore. She is only able to be mobile with using her WALKER whenever she is up and around the house due to her late stage Alzheimer Dementia along with Parkinsons tremors and loss of balance and weakness. Both of them only have medicare coverage and have a very low fixed disability income per month. I am asking if anyone who has experienced this type of situation wth a non-supportive parent or spouse has any information as what my next steps or course of action plan should be to possibly transfer her to a memory care facility of some kind. She HAS BEEN in and out of hospitals and nursing homes and rehab centers over the years, then she returned back home after her "recoveries". I am unable to move her in to my home, but I am not sure when,how,who or what I should contact to get information on transferring her out of their home, get financial assistance to cover the cost, and what legal right I have over my father if this becomes a power struggle with him since he has all control over their bank account and finances. Im continuing to support and check in on her daily which seems to help give her piece of mind during this time.

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Thanks to all of you in response to my mothers care above. I have experienced instances where my father "has had a few", as he puts it, returns home then falls asleep. My mother tells me on a daily basis that he is away from the house more often lately than not, she is very aggravated and concerned about this as well as me. I am cntacting an elder care attorney this week to find out what legal steps and rights my morther and I have as a choice. After all of the important legal information is obtained, then I will sit down with both parents t discuss our options for my mothers future care. Thank everyone again for your thoughtful suggestions.
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Good points jeannegibbs,
I suspect that when a senior has previously used good judgment and reasoning and then they don't......there may be an explanation for it. They could have some mental decline that is impairing their judgment. I'd explore that with dad. Maybe, he needs help too.
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If Dad has been cooperative until a few months ago, what changed then? Is he showing other signs of some kind of a mental health problem? Is he drinking or using drugs? Does he need some kind of help?
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I would consult with an Elder Law attorney who is well informed about Medicaid and any Medicaid Type state programs that might pay for AL or MC. They should be able to explain how they determine eligibility of spouses, regarding income/assets. AND what your rights are regarding getting mother placed, once she qualifies. I'd have this information when I informed dad that mother needed to being placed, due to her increased need for care.

If he is not properly caring for her, as you describe, my immediate and top priority would be to get her to a place where she can receive proper care and protection. Dad leaving her unattended for any amount of time is unacceptable. Except for the early stages, it's too risky to leave a person with dementia unattended. Having the POA may help you in your quest.

Dad may agree or not, but, I'd be calm and blunt about what was going to happen. He could be cooperative or not, but, I'd get my home to help she needs, regardless of the measures I might have to take to get them. She is in a very vulnerable position. I'd be her advocate.
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If she can get around with her walker then I don't think I would describe her as late stage, believe me she has a long way to go.
To apply for medicaid you are going to need to be able to have access to her financial records for the past 5 years, that could be problematic if they hold joint accounts and dad won't cooperate. The whole process sounds complicated under the best circumstances, so you may want to consult with an attny who is an expert on medicaid and the application process. You may more easily gain his cooperation if you make this into a fact finding mission "just in case" or "for when the time comes".
Beyond that, have you picked out a facility? I understand it may be more difficult to find one if you don't have the money to private pay for a while before medicaid kicks in. And is mom willing to make a move?
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I think sometimes the married spouse goes into denial about their partner.

I had noticed that with my Mom in regard to my Dad... Mom would hand Dad a "honey do" list still thinking he can climb ladders, do electrical repairs, do lawn maintenance even though he was in his 90's..... I know my Mom didn't want my Dad to go outside with his rolling walker, like what would the neighbors think.... [sigh, they probably would think it was about time he got one of those walkers].

I knew it was time for my parents to move into senior living, but my Mom didn't want to hear about it... maybe in a few years.... oh right, maybe when they are in their early 100's she will say it is ok to move [rolling eyes].

There isn't a whole lot we can do until a crises hits home. For example my Mom fell and had to spend her last three months in long-term-care. After she passed, my Dad decided it was time to sell the house and move to senior living.

Therefore with your parents, maybe your Mom could apply for Medicaid, where Medicaid will help out with payment of care, either limit care at home, or full-time care at a nursing home. Your Dad would have no choice but to allow half of all he owns to go to Medicaid.
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