I can not get sibs (3) to agree to meager compensation I first asked about over a yr and a half ago (then $200/wk for live-in caregiving except for an outside 40-hr/wk job). I left a job in another state on a FMLA 5 yrs ago to help my mother. After numerous failed attempts at reasoning with them (and countless hurt feelings), a cost benefit anaylsis of the savings my presence/sacrifice has been to Mom, I can not get them to agree to meet with a mediator because they've continually dismissed my requests to greed. Very recently they agreed to paying me under the table (to avoid taxes) but no retroactivity. I explained that that would be fraud. They have since pulled that off the table.
And most recently they agreed to try, for the first time in over a yr and a half, to chip in and help out with Mom in 4 hr shifts M-F, 5 - 9 pm so I can have some time off after my 9-5 outside job, and some coverage on Sundays. Saturday coverage is still mine bc no one wants to give up their Saturdays. It's about 40+ hrs that they've agreed to help cover. This attempt started on December 15th. I am covering almost half of those 40+ hrs as well as overnight coverage. It's been tense and awkward, but they are trying, right?!
My question is, since I have gotten NO WHERE in trying to reason with them, it was mentioned earlier, elsewhere on this website that one could sue the estate upon her passing. Is that even possible? Is it possible without a caregiver agreement in place (they've refused that idea completely for various nonsensical reasons)? This would be my LAST resort, but might alleviate some of my stress and help me maintain focus while she's still with us.
and to your point (good point I hadn't thought about!) -- there might not be much left in her estate either. hmm ... is that why bros are being so unreasonable?
I kind of doubt you'd be successful. You've continued to do this without getting paid, without having a contract or agreement, without any amounts being established. Since you could have declined to continue in this unpaid role at any time I don't see what grounds you would have to insist on money later. If your brothers had promised to pay you and had failed to so, yes, that seems like grounds. But it sounds like they have told you all along you should do this "for love" and that your compensation is room and board. They are living up to their end of the deal. What would you sue them for? Being insensitive jerks?
But I am definitely not a lawyer and my opinion means nothing in court! I urge you to see a lawyer, now, not wait until your mother dies.
But I'm afraid what the lawyer told you is true ... you have no grounds for suing because you have no agreement. In fact, you have lots of evidence that they did NOT agree to pay you.
What I think you should do (just a personal opinion, based on my own views and philosophy) is to move out. I know you say you can't afford to, but consider all options. Find someone who is looking for a roommate. Consider a boarding house or the Y. Consider a second part-time job. Write to your brothers that as of such-and-such a date you will be visiting your mother twice a week as a loving daughter, but not as a caregiver. They will need to arrange for her care. Maybe that will open their eyes. Or maybe not, so you must be prepared to act on your threat.
What is going on here is not unheard of, and it always makes my blood boil. One family member does all the work so that the others won't have their inheritance reduced. Balloney to that scene! But you made the mistake of starting doing the work before clarifying the financial expectations. They have very little incentive to do the right thing. They have you over a barrel.
There is probably an agency in the nearest city that can counsel you about housing, and give you suggestions about things to try. Call the United Way offices and they will be able to direct you to no-cost or low-cost help.
As long as you are dependent on living in your mother's house, your brothers don't really have any reason (except decency) to be fair to you.
To glad -- I got another response from the avvo website that I will definitely look into! It sounded more encouraging that the first responder and I know it varies from state to state and hopefully I stated it concisely enough in the character-restricted space! But the response incl this:
statutory provision in the Probate code to address the circumstances you describe but it does not become available until after the family member passes and applies only to assets that are a part of the decedent's estate. I have added the probate practice tag to your question so the appropriate local attorneys may offer their input through this forum.
It was very nice of responder to tag it more appropriately! Will keep you posted.
Just so you know ...
You are trying to set boundaries, but the bros see themselves in the driver's seat. As long as you are a permanent resident of that home and have no where else to go, then they are right, you are powerless. If you are serious about wanting this to be fair, move out. Get paid for what you are doing, but by someone else's family who will appreciate you.
If you do file suit, they will fire you and throw you out of the house. You will claim that is your permanent residence so you can't be thrown out, and that will invalidate your entire case. You are in a corner. I'd walk away so I can come visit mama sometime and enjoy life again!
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