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We have just been banned. The power of attorney whose husband is a doctor has accused us of taking money over the years from my adoptive Grandma and says she is agitated after we visit her, neither is true. She is happy when we leave. The administrator at the nursing home has harassed, threatened, and tried to intimidate us on and off since March of 2015. We have contacted State on aging and Ombudsmen, they will do nothing. They have restricted my Grandma from seeing us in the courtyard and her bedroom on occasion to only the common room to keep an eye on us. My Grandma's wishes is to see us throughout the property and she never understands when they would force us and her down to the common area. My Grandma has mild Alzheirmer's. Today my mom was told we can no longer see her. Can they do this?

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GrandmaJoyce, are you still visiting your dear family friend in the common rooms, as allowed?
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Grandma, unless you can prove that thefts occurred via use of a private detective or with documentation that you probably have no access to as non-POA, yes you are stuck. The fact that APS unfounded the complaints against you is helpful but does not necessarily directly translate into evidence you could use if you take the matter to court.
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Basically, you have no rights in this matter. You are not family. You are not legal guardians, you are not designated to have any involvement in this.

Accept what those who do have these legal rights have allowed you, Actually, you have no choice,
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Churchmouse, Yes, we find it unbelievable that a nun would do this but we believe she was the one taking from my Grandma because money would come up missing and some of her medication. It's not surprising, I've been mistreated by many more people in the church that said they were Christians than non-Christians. Hard and terrible to say this, that this would be the case, me being a Christian myself. I've called the police, there was no reports, only investigations by Adult Protective Service a couple of times, that the nun called them on us. They investigated and found nothing, they never even talked to me or my mom. I called them to find out what was going on. The whole system is corrupt. It seems people can say false allegations, do whatever they want and you're helpless to defend yourself. The state agency even sides with the POA thinking we are trouble makers now just because we were trying to figure out what was going on and trying to protect my Grandma's rights. We've done everything we can. Even if we had the money to sue how could we ever prove defamation of Character or slander. My mom confronted the Nursing home Administrator the day she was told she could no longer visit and the Administrator denied the things she did to harass us at the Nursing home in front of one of the nurses aides. The whole thing is absurd. Well, the thing we know and hold onto is that God knows the truth and he will take care of it, rather in this life or the next they will have to answer for what they have done to not honor my Grandma's wishes and wants and for how they have done us but we forgive them and pray for God's mercy. Thank you.
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Dear Churchmouse. Yes you are not only old fashioned but also pretty darn naive regarding the integrity of nuns. We don't know the truth of all of this of course and it would likely be impossible to determine which is a big part of the problem for all concerned. But never, never ascribe some sort of divinity to nuns or even clergymen. Thanks.
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As an Ombudsman, I would represent grandma's wishes; the only way I must refuse to help is if there is a court ordered POA or Guardian in place for the patient. So I am guessing this already went to court.
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POA doesnt give that person the power to do that . I just talked to an attorney.You can file for guardianship.Some family members can contest it
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Granted that it is very difficult to prove a negative, to prove that you and your mother did not take money from this lady, you and your mother have been outright accused of theft, have you?

That's a very serious allegation. Would you be in a position to demand that those making it either publicly retract the allegation or prove it?

The thing is, if a nun isn't a pillar of a community then I don't know who would be; so it is not that surprising that the other authority figures in the case - the doctor, the home administrator, the old lady's POA - are inclined to believe what she says. They don't have to be kin, or in cahoots in some sinister way. Wouldn't you take a nun's word for something unless you had good reason not to?

I may be very old-fashioned but I do find it hard to believe that a nun would slander you purely out of jealousy of your friendship. Where else might she have got the idea that you and your mother were taking financial advantage of your friend?

What it comes down to is that you will either have to take formal steps to clear your name - you could sue for defamation, you could go to the police and tell them that this accusation has been made and you wish them to follow it up - or you will have to suck it up.

I do find it distasteful and unfair that these people are taking the moral high ground in one way, by barring you from further contact, but then confining themselves to gossiping about you rather than treating the matter as seriously as perhaps they should. It prevents you from having any way of defending your reputation, which is not right.
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Best you stay away or land in court. I take it she lived with you but you cannot account for her funds. We always tell people to keep funds separate and keep all receipts to avoid accusations.
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Thanks everyone for all the answers. No we didn't adopt each other legally, just symbolically. We used to take care of her. She is like family. The POA is a long time friend of her and we knew her as well, never thought she would do this, keep us from seeing her. We all trusted her, that is why my Grandma gave her POA on the note that she would be able to see us and go out with us. We don't understand all this, it makes no sense. She has no money that we know of. We are not allowed to see her anymore according to the POA and the Administrator. We didn't care to see her in her room but sometimes she would be tired laying down and wanted to see us there. We didn't like that she would be forced out of the room just to see us and she wanted to visit us in the courtyard which has a high fence and we sat right by the door, but that was stopped as well. We felt her visiting rights were being violated and that is why we contacted the state of Texas and the Ombudsmen. They will do nothing to help us rectify the situation. They all believe the POA and Administrator that we took money from her before going into the nursing home. This was alleged by a nun, that we believe was jealous of our relationship with her that use to live in her apartment building. No validity to it at all. We believe they are all friends, for the nun is patient to the POA's husband, which is a doctor. For the last 1 year and a half we have asked the POA when we saw her and she always told us she wasn't doing this. Her husband was having her apparently do it. For he has accused me and my mom on the phone of the allegations. The administrator also has the same last name of the husband. We believe they are related. It's a very hurtful and crazy thing for we just love her and want what's best for her. We are now doing the only thing we can which is to pray for my Grandma. Thank you
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To me "adopted" is just a term being used. I don't think they r related which is probably the problem. I doubt a lawyer can do anything. I hope that a POA gives me the power to ask that a person not be allowed to see my Mom if I feel they r not good for her. Don't think these women have a leg to stand on.
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All EXCELLENT answers. Especially the answer concerning the emotional well being of your Grandma. Your role in this matter is to bring comfort and delight to your beloved Grandma. Transparency and congeniality. It should not matter to you WHERE in the building you are to spend time with her. It sounds as if you will be lucky to spend ANY time with her at this point.
I agree with all the answers. The only thing you need to know going forward is who, if anyone, has Guardianship of your Grandma.
This reminds me of that old question: "What is in the best interest of the children?" Only in this case, it it Grandma instead of child.
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A POA is not a guardianship. Are you sure this person is not her guardian? Only a guardian can prevent your visits in my understanding unless state laws differ on this issue but I'd be surprised if that was the case. If the POA has been activated and is in effect the POA is in charge of the person's finances and if it is a medical POA also her health decisions.
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When you say adopted...do you mean legally? if you are her legal daughter and granddaughter then you should seek an attorney if you feel there is no reason for the POA to prevent you from visiting your GM.. However it is odd that your grandmother would give a POA to someone like her doctor's wife. Either they manipulated her into doing it or there is some truth to what they are saying and there is some financial shenanigans going on. Where were you when your GM signed this POA? How did you not fight it then? I would suggest you try to calmly sit down with the POA and the nursing home administrator and ask what you can do to remedy this situation and see your GM again. They should be reasonable if that is all you want to do is see her.
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Yes.
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Churchmouse has given a well thought-out response.

I suggest that you visit your grandma as often as you like, in the common rooms. Don't discuss the reason for that location with GM. "It is too windy to sit out today." "I always enjoy the seasonal decorations in this room." Give her any excuse if she asks about it, but don't upset her with the "truth." And don't bring it up yourself.

Also do not discuss financial matters with her. Don't talk about the accusations of stealing her money. That is for you to deal with through an attorney if necessary.

GM has dementia. Do not bring up sensitive subjects! Not even if she could have discussed them very well before she went into the nursing home.

When I visited my mother in the nursing home I almost always chose to take her to a common room. Her little bedroom was way to crowded, and it was also nice for her to have a change of scenery. Often a few of mom's friends would join us. I always brought enough of any activity so someone could join us. For example, the ladies loved recipe books, so I'd bring in a big stack of those little booklets sold near the cashier and they'd pass them around.

I can't think of anything I couldn't do with Mom in the common rooms. We colored. She matched up socks for me. She sorted coins. I dressed her doll. Being restricted to the common rooms is not a big handicap.

My advice is to accept that restriction gracefully and focus on bringing joy to your grandmother.
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I'm not sure what "adoptive" means, here. Who adopted whom?

Power of Attorney, as I'm sure you know, can only have been given to the doctor's wife by your grandmother when your grandmother was of sound mind. Your grandmother chose this lady to act for her. Why do you think she might have done that?

Do you really have no idea why the POA and the NH believe you and your mother to pose a risk to the welfare of your grandmother?

Your grandmother has a right to see people if she wishes to; and unless she has been deemed incompetent it is up to her to decide who can visit; but those responsible for her welfare have a duty to act in her best interests, and the NH will certainly reserve the right to eject visitors whose behaviour is a problem. If the POA and the NH administration can demonstrate that their concerns about you and your mother are well-founded, then yes they can keep you from visiting your grandmother. Can they demonstrate that?
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