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I quit my job almost four years ago and have been her 24/7 caregiver ever since; have four sibs; one helps, watches her when I get groceries; no one else will help and I have asked many, many times. Mom is getting to where nothing is left of the person she used to be; she is now angry, verbally abusive, short tempered. I have PTSD (childhood incident), depression and anxiety. I am at the end of my rope, but my savings have long since been depleted and we cannot afford to pay for help. At times I feel as though I will literally go crazy, it is a never ending heartbreak to see my Mom slowly slip away from me. Any ideas for us? Thanks.

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Mama, I'm curious what your plan for your own retirement is if you're not working and have apparently used up your savings. If mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid, there must be assets, which should be used to pay for her care, including of course, respite for you.

No nursing home is perfect. Neither is any school. We send our loved ones to both because the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. If all the nhs in El Paso are bad, perhaps you should investigate the ones that are closer to where siblings live, or in a suburb not too distant from you.

You sound as though you are too tired to think straight. Someone needs to relieve you and soon.
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I read on your profile that you never wanted your mother to go to a nursing home. That is understandable but with dealing with someone who has Alzheimer's and as bad off as you describe, then it sounds to me that you have reached the point both physically and emotionally where you are in over your head way beyond what one person can do. 1/3 of caretakers die before the person they are taking care of. You don't want to end up being a statistic. I think you need to revisit your earlier decision about nursing homes.
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Of course you don't want your mother in a care center. I'll bet you don't want her to have brain atrophy and dementia, either. Unfortunately we can't always have what we want and prevent what we don't want. That is the nature of life, and beyond our control.

If you have been able to provide her with the best care up until now, that is commendable and fortunate. When it reaches the point where the best care can no longer be provided by one individual in a private home, then I think it is still your duty as a loving daughter to arrange the situation so she can get the best care. And that is probably in a care center of some kind.

You say she does not qualify for Medicaid. Have you researched that thoroughly? Consulted an attorney who specializes in Elder Law? If she has too many assets and/or too much income to qualify for financial help, then those assets and income should be used to maximize the quality of her care. This absolutely includes regular respite for you and in-home help. And, it seems to me, probably eventually if not now, a placement where she can get professional care.

It is absolutely heartbreaking to see a loved one slipping away. My husband died at home, after a 10-year journey with dementia. My mother is now in a nursing home, also with dementia. But even while we are heartbroken we need to do the best we can to think objectively about what will result in the maximum quality of care.
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Would your mother qualify for Medicaid?
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Mama3111, you need to go see an eldercare attorney about qualifying mom for Medicaid. You can do something called a Miller trust.

Why haven't you set up a caregiver contract between you and mom? Get the name of an eldercare attorney from the Money and Legal tab at the top. Se one tomorrow.

Everything that you've done so far is water under the bridge. Now you know differently, so take some action.
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If you have anxiety, so will she. So get anxiety meds for both of you for starters. And if you both need anti-depressants, take them. Learn to establish boundaries. Walk away instead of bursting out. If that means moving her to a NH to save yourself, by all means, do it.
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Thank you for your answers, you gave me much to think about. To answer your question, cmagnum, no, she does not qualify for medicaid. While it is true that I am very tired both physically and mentally, I am simply not able to place her in a nursing home...perhaps I will gather sibs again to see if they will help; anyway, thank you.
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Thanks for answering my question. It does sound like now is time or past time for a serious, calm family meeting that will come up with a long range plan that impacts the present for both your benefit and hers. You don't want to join the statistics of the 1/3 of caregivers who don't live longer than those they care for and thus catapult your mom into a nursing home without you to be there as her advocate. Lay out straight factually of how life really is for both you and for her before your meeting with your sibs with no holes bared as far as telling them the whole truth, but don't make any holes while telling them. You should really not be expected to bear this all totally alone form this point forward.
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Thanks again for taking time to answer....perhaps I should add that my last job, after thirty plus years in Social Work, was as a Legal Guardian for Aged and Disabled....so there is not one nursing home (in my city) that I did not work with extensively when placing and tending to my clients. This was not a good experience as I got to see and deal with much more than the average visitor, and I would not be at peace with myself if I ever placed her....the suggestion for consulting an attorney will.be the route to take if the family meeting proves to be just more wasted time and effort....again, thank you.
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Thank you, vstefans, for your input...you make a good point in that as a SW I got to see the not so good side of nh care. My depleted savings, 401k, etc. are now defunct precisely because of my Moms care, and had I been able to foresee the future then perhaps I would not be in this situation, but then that is a mute point, as i am also painfully aware that it is "not good". Also, she does not qualify for medicaid because she exceeds income guidelines by fourteen dollars and because I do not charge her any rent.
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