How do I say no to giving care to my in-laws?

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) I know you feel you are between a rock and a hard place, and in many ways you are. Your husband does seem to have unrealistic epectations of you. Could you, for a while, a couple of weeks or so, document what your days are like, and that you are responsible most of the time? Document when the caregiver does not show up, and when your answer for help from your husband is that he is too busy. Sometimes people will "get it" better when they see the realities in black and white. Also speak to your doctor about how this is affecting your mental and physical health,.and see if he will back you up in that this is too hard for you, and even give you somethiing to help you through this, though meds are not necessarily a permanent answer, they may help tide you over.. Can you find out if there are any other caregivers who could be hired who are more reliable? I agree with others that a facility may be a better option. Have you researched what is available in your area, and what is affordable? I know that seems like a lot of extra work when you are already overwhelmed, but it is towards the purpose of relieving the burden in the long run. In time your inlaws' health will only get worse. Does one or both of them have dementia, and or other conditions like diabetes, heart disease?
I do think you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your husband, and state that, for you, there has to be change. I think he may get a better grasp on things if you have this information in writing for him to look over - maybe even before your discussion. Some people understand when talked to about abstracts, and some need something more concrete before they understand. I am not against the idea of you taking a break for a while, because then your husband will experience what you go through. I am sure he is having some feelings about the whole situation - not wanting to fail his parents, but he needs to appreciate that he must not fail you either, and if it comes to a choice, you come first. Marriage counselling is a good idea too, and could be part of what you present to him. If he won't go, it still will help you to go alone, as you are about at the end of your tether. You say your 33 yr old marriage was good up until now, so it is not something to be thrown away without doing all you can to solve the problems. These are just suggestions we all throw out. You know yourself, and your husband better than anyone else does. Do what feels right to you, and let us know how it goes, My hopes and prayers are with you. (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) Joan

I agree that it would be helpful if you and your husband could have a heart to heart talk about the situation. I also believe (and know from personal experience) that taking a break from the situation (if possible) - does make a difference in helping the husband understand all you do and help him to appreciate you. The stress will certainly affect your health and your husbands health in the long run.

There are no easy answers, but don't think throwing away a 33 year marriage is worth it; but I do agree if you feel like running away!!!

Many of the elderly accept the changes in their lives without expecting everyone around them to be as accepting. Better to be proactive now in planning their care needs and what you can and cannot undertake, for whatever the reasons. Being a caretaker is not for everyone; and there is nothing wrong with that.

Overseeing their care in the form of a facility can work out quite well. Good luck to you.

Do they live with you? If they don't, you have the right to just say no. If they live with you, it gets a bit more difficult.

I disagree with the others that you should take a vacation from your husband. You do need to discuss with him the things that you have said here and let him know your limits. It is strange how it is almost expected that female in-laws will step up to the plate when it comes to elder care. I have seen it here in my home. My mother believes my SIL should do more. She excuses her son because he is too busy, but she resents his wife. It makes no sense. I tell her that SIL is not her daughter, so does not owe her anything. I have not really been able to get the point over to her about the SIL, so my mother stays full of resentment.

Do you work at home?

Just let your husband know what you are willing to do. 33 years of marriage is too much time to risk on a temporary problem. I know that he is also stressed out about the situation. I hope that you'll be able to find something that works out for everyone. Just hang in there. It will work out.

robi, I agree, it's time for a vacation. You said on another post, that your kids are all living out of the area, so can you go stay with one or more of them for awhile? Maybe you could babysit the grandkids (if you have them of course) and give your kids a chance to get away by themselves at the same time. That's a twofer right there! Also, sounds like you're a lot more mad at your husband for dumping his folks off on you, and not asking? After all, they are really 'sick' but your husband has full control of his faculties , so that's an issue.
I understand your husband wanting to honor their wishes and NOT be placed in a care facility. But his first commitment is to YOU (his marriage) and his kids, not the parents, so he's dropped the ball there I'm afraid. Why do people automatically think that they have to have a parent LIVE with them in order to 'take care' of the folks when they get old? Either way, it's still taking care of an aging parent no matter how you look at it.

Maybe a shortterm break is just the wakeup call your husband needs. Is there someone you can visit for a few weeks, while hubby takes over the full range of responsibilities for his parents? A trial separation may help you both see the issues more clearly and provide a background for working on addressing them in the future.

Is there an out of state friend who is always urging you to come see her? How about a sister or cousin? Does a friend own a lake cabin you could borrow for a week? If you stay in a few different places for several days each, you could have time to recharge your batteries while husband gets a realistic look at caregiving fulltime. (I think I'd try to avoid involving the kids if possible.)

Marriage counseling might be a good idea.

Tossing out a formerly good marriage without a lot of effort to salvage it would be sad. Give a trial separation and counselling a try, first.

Are your in-laws living in your house? What is the nature of their impariment?