My Mom is broke, has dementia and is mean. I no longer want her to live with me and my daughter. What are my options?

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My mother has always been a miserable women. Since my father passed away 17 years ago she has house surfed everyone she knows and has burnt all bridges no one wants anything to do with her. Imposing in my life and home every time she ran out of money or was asked to leave I'd say a total of 14 out of the last 17 years.She now has dementia and her meaness has gotten worse and has made life miserable for me and my 17 yr old daughter to the point we dont want to live in our own house. I have reached out to the local services here in Syracuse NY for help and resources but since she is independent as far as dressing and feeding herself I was told she is not a candidate for a NH. However, she scored to low cognetively for a medicaid assistant living facility. She has no money other than 667.00/ month SS. So I feel I am traped. This is my home and I hate being here. Why is it that no one will help me get my life back. Am I obligated to keep her here and live like this for ever at this rate she might out live me.

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As Pam says - when she is in hospital tell them you can no longer care for her and resist any coercion to take her back She is far too ill for you to care for and I agree that having a 17 yr. old daughter at home should tip the scales in your direction. Good luck.
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Alone1, they will send her out of state if they have to.
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I don't want to add anything except sympathy to all this good advice; just a question - doesn't the presence of the 17 year old daughter strengthen Alone1's argument? Surely the authorities would consider it unacceptable to keep an abusive relative in her home environment?
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If she is in the hospital and you are NOT her POA, you must simply refuse to take her. The county will take over and get her the first Medicaid bed they can find. It may not be close by, but that would be a blessing in disguise.
A PRI test is not a comprehensive neuro-psych exam and clearly that is what she has needed for a long time. She needs a supervised setting to protect her from her own bad decisions. You need to let them do that.
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Alone1, was one of the facilities James Square? I remember some time ago people who had memory issues went there. But that could have changed as who quality and if Medicaid is accepted. The building is located on James Street [from downtown Syracuse, go east on James Street, it will be on your right just past WSYR TV station building, it looks like a 4 story hotel, which I think it was decades ago].

Otherwise, if you hadn't already, contact Onondaga County Council on Aging.

[I am a former Syracusan]. Good luck in your search.
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If all gov't supported routes fail, is there a board and care home for something not too much over her monthly income? Or could she get any kind of community waiver where she would have some supervision in an apartment of her own,and maybe a day program to go to?
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Wow.. these stories remind me of all my issues. My heart says care for my mean, depressed and angry mother but my mind tells me to run. I find myself frustrated and miserable as if all her emotions jumped on me. I miss myself and often wonder where I left myself behind. My siblings are to selfish to help and my mom doesn't have the funds to pay for elderly home living. I often wonder will I smile with serious joy again. I suffered from cancer all last year and my mom concern was what about her well being. I'm tired and exhausted from feeling like alone with these struggles. So glad to find this site to help me understand I'm not alone with elderly struggles.
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I have worked and requested help from the social work of her geriatric specialist MD and she wasnt much help. I had a PRI test done for placement and it suggested an assisted living, but there are only two assisted livings in Syracuse that wil take medicaid and they were the ones who refused to accept her saying she needed a locked unit. I have looked into the department of aging and every where else I could think of for help paying for a facility with memory care because most of them here are private pay. If I take her to the hospital and tell them I cant take care of her will she be able to stay there until they find her somewhere?
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There is no way I could care for my mother in my home. As others have said, tell them at a hospital that she can no longer live alone. But, you have to get her there, first. To the second poster, keep telling them. Do not pick up your mother.
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If she is truly broke, she should qualify for Medicaid, and that should cover an assisted living facility as well. I recommend the course of action another poster recommended. Tell them in a hospital that you cannot take care of her anymore, and a social worker will get involved. There will still be work for you to do in terms of choosing a facility, but there will be a social worker or placement aide in your corner helping you with decision making.
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