Hello. First-time poster here; not in the US. I hardly know where to begin, but here goes...
Nine years ago, my husband's mum was put on a ventilator and was expected to die. She pulled through, so we sold up and moved back to my husband's county, as he's an only son. He got another job but I didn't, thinking that I would look after my MIL for her last few months. Two years later, we'd built our dream home in the same village as my DH's home place and, five days after moving in, my FIL had a heart attack. Both of DH's parent's moved in with us. DH has an Aunt, who is widowed, childless and difficult. Almost without my realising it, I was given 'jobs' like collecting her pension, cooking, cleaning, etc. These 'jobs' got more personal and she was very belittling of me. When I tried to express my dislike, DH explained that she was elderly, had had a tragic, childless life etc...
This went on for seven years. Then, two years ago, my FIL died at home of kidney disease in April. That October, the Aunt had a suspected stroke and moved in with us. Things got harder. I felt like I was failing. I saw a counsellor.
Last October, I lost the baby we'd tried for years for. The next week, I was Matron of Honour to my SIL, with my six-months pregnant sister as the other attendant. Lots of people knew about the baby, but not about the loss. It was hard.
In January, Daddy got sick. Then Mammy had difficulty swallowing. Mammy was kept in for a biopsy and I brought Daddy in to visit Mammy and get his test results. We found out that Daddy was dying on the Monday and then Mammy died on the Sunday. It doesn't feel real, even now.
The Aunt was in the hospital for Rehab that she refused to comply with while Mammy was dying. I visited her on the way back from seeing Mammy. Once she was home, and immobile, my MIL had three successive hospitalisations of acute COPD exacerbations, which ended in her death last month.
Which brings me to today. When I began to care, I was a chatty, open, loving person. Now I am silent, angry every moment of every day, hateful and depressed. My doctor has prescribed sleeping tablets and anti depressants and I must meet with a counsellor.
My question is this; is this my life now? Is this who I am now? I feel that there is only death and pain and loss in my future and I'm so hollow inside that I don't really care. I'm afraid for my Daddy and for myself. I feel like the woman I was before caring has died too and I'll never get her back. Everything is so bleak and difficult and I can't even call my Mammy anymore to cry and be comforted and have her good advice.
I found this forum looking for advice on dealing with grief, so perhaps Mammy was prompting me to ask you for advice, as she can't be here. Please help me.