No help from siblings. Can anyone relate?

Ann Reid gives good advise… my in laws were of need of help… I resented immensely the thought of my retirement ,that I worked for 50+ years to go down the tubes. Even if I am not directly involved, it will impact my home. They needed assisted living… not me, being called up in the middle of 5he night to cleanup the ugly mess around the toilet…(yes , done that)

it sounds like it’s time…

BrendaLee,

Pretty much anyone who has ever had to be a caregiver to an elderly parent can relate to what you're saying. I sure can.
It's very easy for people to just say put the elderly person in a care facility and be done with it. They don't know that there may be reasons and circumstances for why that isn't happening. Some caregivers are in need and struggle financially. Handing over a property to pay a nursing home or AL for a few months before Medicaid kicks in isn't always the answer. Helping the caregiver out with some of the responsibility works too.
It's totally understandable for you to have resentment towards your siblings who do nothing and don't help with mom at all.
These kinds of brothers and sisters are always the first ones in line with their hands out when it's inheritance time.
You are your mother's only caregiver. Her will should reflect on you as if you were an only child. My mother's certainly does and I would not have it any other way. You're what is keeping her out of a nursing home. I am too.
Hire some private pay caregivers a few hours a week to help you out with some of it and pay for it out of your mom's income. Even if she doesn't want it. Do it anyway and she will just have to adjust. Then start withdrawing cash from her accounts and put it into a safety deposit box at the bank. There's no reason why you should be doing it all for free. If you're planning on living with mom, don't do it. If you do please never buy that BS line about living rent-free with room and board being a fair exchange for 24 hour caregiving services. That's not a fair exchange. It's indentured servitude very much like slavery.
Let your sisters enjoy their vacation homes. There's nothing you can do about that and you can't force them to help. When there's no inheritance for them they won't be so happy.

You have POA. You have a serious, debilitating, chronic illness.

Your mother’s care is too much for you to physically manage. That has NOTHING to do with who or what your siblings are, or have.

YOU have the wherewithal to find a cheerful, pleasant, nearby facility where she will enjoy the company of others, place her there, ignore her tears and protests, and after she adjusts, visit her often.

She may attempt to guilt you into doing what you’ve been doing previously. If she does so, AFTER YOU HAVE FOUND HER NEW RESIDENCE, ON THE DAY SHE IS MOVING, you will say “Mom, I love you too much to continue to require you to live within a situation burdened by my physical limitations. We will enjoy each other much more when I can come to see you in your new surroundings”.

You will hug her and tell her you love her, and you will go home and begin working on making YOUR LIFE pleasant and calm and as healthy as possible.

Your siblings aren’t responsible for you. YOU are responsible for you. You have paid your dues. Now do what is best for YOU. No anger, no comparison with your siblings, no reason to be bitter, no reason for resentment. YOUR TURN.

No one likes to hear this but we all have choices. You just made a different one than your siblings. Their financial status or personal lives should have no bearing on the situation. The only person truly responsible for your mom's care...is your mom. If this is getting too much for you, you need to have a discussion with her about outsourcing some assistance. Blaming your siblings does no good nor is it fair. How many times have we had someone on this board upset because they were Voluntold they were becoming a caregiver and we told them to politely say no.

FYI I am an only child so everything fell to me. I learned early on to have boundaries and only do what I felt comfortable doing. Sure my boundaries were pushed at times but for the most part I held firm.

When I said momma didn't like it" moving to assisted living - that is a true statement. She doesn't.

Feeling your pain! Many of us have been in your shoes. I was the primary caregiver for my mom for 15 years in my house. I barely had any help from my siblings. It’s really hard to deal with the emotions of these situations.

I am sorry that you are struggling with this situation. I hope things improve soon. Take care.

Can you temporarily move her into your house, sell hers and either place her in a facility or hire more aids to take care of her in your house ? My heart hurts for you. All my siblings did was criticize every thing I did for my mom.

Yes!! I can completely relate and was, in fact, going to post something similar until I read your post. My only sibling lives out of state. He has a family and goes on several trips per year.
My mother moved in with me 5 years ago and I do everything for her because I don't have a family and she cannot live on her own, neither physically nor financially. I have no support, as we have no family nearby to help. I have a full time job and run home to care for her after work. She has an aide that comes a few hours a week.

I recently messaged my brother, saying that I am going to need to cut my hours at work because I "can't do all of this anymore." The answer I got back was "do whatever you think is best." When I've brought the subject up before that Mom is one step away from a nursing home, he didn't seem to think that was a bad plan. I don't want her to go to a NH for several reasons, the least of which is the COVID situation.

Anyway, I was thinking about emailing him again to get some support, but I know nothing is going to change, so then I think "why bother." So basically I have no suggestions to offer, but I will follow this thread to see if anyone else has some words of wisdom to offer.

Does she live with you or do you live with her?

How long have you been her caregiver?

How did it happen that you agreed to be her sole caregiver?

Are you her POA? HCPOA?

I hope you won’t waste time and energy by falling into bitterness and resentment. It’s akin to drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Your siblings have chosen not to be involved for whatever reasons, and you’ve chosen to take on this role. You need more help to sustain this and be successful. My dad hired a helper for himself, part time, and she was a godsend. Look into getting help, or considering if your mother’s care is still best in a home environment, and let go of wanting your siblings to change. My siblings were barely there, and often resentful when they were, I learned quickly not to rely on them and to accept their choices. I wish you peace

I am too in the same situation and provide care while I am a five hr drive away. Not sure of your mommas financial situation but if she has the money you need to hire people to help you and pay for it with your mommas funds. That is what I do because I do not get any help from my siblings. Also that means less inheritance for them. That is all they care about anyway.. When momma fell and suffered hemotomas she went straight from rehab to assisted living. She didn't like it and nobody else did because they couldn't take advantage of her so easy. But it was easier on me to take care of her.. If momma does not have the money make calls to churches or maybe the senior center or somebody to see if you can get some help or at least a break.